He clears his throat. ‘It’s much worse than that, Milla.’
‘Worse – worse how?’
He blows out a breath. ‘By the time I realised what was happening was more than over-excited male hormones with a mind of their own, it was too late … I’d already fallen in love with you.’
‘Excuse me? When was this?’
He’s shaking his head. ‘By Cally and Nigel’s wedding I was already in over my head. I tried to deny it, I went away and tried not to come back. But that didn’t work either.’
The unnerving thing is, he’s not talking about it like it’s anything good. Or even anything that actually involves me in the emotional sense at all. ‘It needn’t be a problem.’
He picks up Trump and hurls him along the beach. ‘If you’re saying that it’s because you have no idea how I feel about you. And why should you? That day on the beach when I tried to explain why I could never allow myself to be in love, I knew there was only one way out.’ He lets out a sigh. ‘So the thing is … I’m solving it in the way I always vowed I would if this ever happened to me and I couldn’t shake it off – by going away.’
I try not to let my legs give way. Then gulp in a breath. ‘But …Snow Goose… the harbour …?’
He blows out his cheeks. ‘Don’t worry,Snow Gooseis staying. You get to keep your permit.’
I can’t believe he thinks that’s all I’m interested in.
As he goes on his voice is more level again. ‘My friend’s parents have a yacht moored up the coast north of Sydney waiting for their retirement. I’ve agreed to go over and skipper it for them until they feel more confident sailing it on their own.’
‘Sydney … inAustralia?’ If I’m screeching, it’s because that’s a hell of a long way to go. I try to sound bright. And interested. ‘So, how many weeks will that take?’ If there’s a good side to this, at least he has no idea how I feel.
Nic’s voice rises in frustration. ‘Milla, this isn’t ten days in the sun. This is me removing myself from the problem until it goes away.’ As he stares out to sea, he’s calmer again. ‘I’ve agreed to six months initially. With an option to extend.’
‘Great.’ What else is there for me say? And I do it very brightly.
‘I’ve sorted the business here to carry on without me. It’s a traditional yacht, with no modern technology. We’ll be totally off-grid. Unplugged and out of reach. There will be absolutely no opportunity for me to relapse.’
Oh my days. Fuck, fuck,fuck. ‘Even better.’
‘I’m just really sorry … for involving you, for not telling you earlier, for being such a screwed-up mess … for all of it …’
I blow out a breath. ‘There’s nothing to apologise for. It’s not as if you ran out on me and broke my heart or anything hideous like that.’ Any collateral damage is all of my own making. That much is obvious; he’s kept this completely to himself. Fought it every inch of the way. He doesn’t ever intend this to involve me. And if I begged him to let me in, I’d be setting myself up for the biggest fall.
He shakes his head. ‘If I’d hurt you as well as all the rest, I could never have lived with myself.’
My mouth fills with sour saliva, and I swallow it away. All the more reason to show him I’m completely unscathed. That’s how I finally know what I’m feeling for him is love – because my overriding feeling, all I want, is for him to be okay. And my mind is racing. To think there was once a time I fleetingly imagined he might help me move on. Although again, this kind of explains what I was picking up on, thinking it at all. And back then, I knew I had to steer well clear because I couldn’t face bumping into him afterwards. But suddenly he’s taken that out of the equation.
He’s frowning again. ‘I know I persuaded you to have fun rather than keeping our distance. That was a bad call on my part, so I’m sorry for that too.’
I give him a hard stare. This is so screwed up, I need to take it a little bit further. ‘You were playing a very dangerous game there.’ I’m not going to mention the bit about making out for Phoebe’s benefit, because that was such a good call on his part and such a help to me. But the rest … I have to ask. ‘What if I’d fallen for you?’
His face pales. ‘Seriously, look at me. There was never any chance of that.’ There’s another long pause. ‘But when you really love someone, all you want is to do the best for them. All along all I wanted was to help you to believe in yourself again, to get you to realise your worth, to see how wonderful you are. I want you to have the future you dreamed of, even if it kills me to think I can’t be part of it. But, believe me, you deserve someone so much better than me.’
In my head, I’m playing Russian roulette. Either way, I’m going to get the bullet. That Nic’s going is certain; nobody’s going to talk him out of it. I can let him go and always regret it. Or I can snatch one more kiss before I wave him goodbye forever.
But even as I stare up at the anguish in his face, I know I could never manipulate him like that. As I let out a sigh, it’s for everything that didn’t go our way. But more, it’s for this lovely, selfless, deserving human who works so hard for everyone else, who will never feel it’s okay to be in love. And how hopeless I have been at changing that. I’ve let him help to rebuild me. And sure, I’ve helped him with Pixie’s wedding, but on a personal level I’ve done nothing to help him at all. Unless you count causing him to run to the other side of the world. As I look up at the shadows on the face of this guy who despises himself too much to ever accept he’s worthy of being loved, my heart is breaking for him.
I clear my throat. ‘It’s ironic. Everything we’ve done together these last few months has allowed me to heal. Even better than that, I’ve become a whole new version of myself. I’m not that old scaredy-cat I used to be. I don’t want to hide. I don’t feel worse than everyone else anymore. I can hold my head up. I’m happy to be me.’ It’s not lost on me that a lot of that has happened with his support.
He reaches out and brushes the hair off my face. ‘Of everyone I know, you’re the one who most deserves to be happy.’
I step towards him, and slide my hand over his cheek. My main job here is to reassure him I’m okay. ‘That’s the funny thing – I’m actually fine as I am, I don’t need any more than I have now – but thank you for helping me. I’m just really sad the last few months haven’t done the same for you.’
His laugh is hollow. ‘I’m too far gone to save.’
He might be right, but I have one chance here to open his mind. ‘You’ve been so busy working on your escape plan, I think you’ve missed the bigger picture.’ It looks like this is down to me, so I brace myself. ‘You do know Pixie hoped that planning the wedding would cure you?’
