He gives a grimace and his voice is empty. ‘It’s hardly anyone else’s is it?’
‘And does Pixie think that?’
He shrugs. ‘You saw Pixie. She’s fiercely independent, she takes ownership of everything including this. But I’ll always know that if it hadn’t been for me she’d be okay – I’m always going to carry that guilt.’
His face is so sad, I want to wrap my arms around him and not let go. ‘But wasn’t it just an awful accident?’
He sighs. ‘Whatever you call it, she was twenty-six, she had her whole amazing life ahead of her – and now she doesn’t. She won’t ever trek in the Himalayas, or run the mothers’ race at sports day, or walk down the aisle like every other woman does. And I won’t ever forgive myself for that.’
I’m swallowing back my saliva. ‘But despite all that, she really is going to have the best wedding day.’
‘I hope so.’ He dips for a pebble and throws it into the water. ‘That’s all down to you, Milla Vanilla, I’ll never be able to thank you enough. And I’ve had such a good time with you these last few weeks putting it together.’
I shrug. ‘Happy we could help.’ I don’t need to be a mind reader – I can sense from his hesitation there’s a ‘but’ coming.
He throws another pebble. ‘That was okay, somehow, because I was doing it for Pixie.’ He frowns. ‘I’d never be comfortable enjoying things that much for myself though. The only way I can live with my conscience going forward is by making sure I never get too happy.’
Here we were, two broken people washed up on the same shore. Except, after weeks of hanging around with him and having the support of all my friends here, I’m almost mended. While he never will be. I’m staring up at the hollows in his cheeks, the darkness of his eyes, that tousled hair blowing, tangled with salt from the breeze off the sea. His beautiful tanned wrists sticking out from his rolled-up shirt sleeves, his strong hands. And I’m aching to grab those long, lean fingers, smother those scuffed knuckles in kisses. I want to wind my fingers through his hair, slide my hand up inside his shirt, and pull him towards me. And not let go until I’ve pieced every bit of his very broken soul back together and made him whole again. However long it took it would be worth it. Because that’s how much and how deeply I’ve come to care about him.
I’m squinting into the sun, trying to work out where he’s going with this. ‘So what are you saying?’
He blows out his cheeks. ‘Well, you sound like you’re almost ready for your dogs on the hearth rug.’ He clears his throat. ‘This is me explaining why I never will be.’
My heart is breaking for him. ‘Because this is so big and awful you won’t ever be able to let go?’
He nods. ‘Exactly. If I ever thought there was the smallest chance I was falling in love, I’d have to walk away.’
I swallow hard. ‘Great.’ Seeing as he’s staying around until next year, it’s obvious that me feeling like my heart’s going out to him has to be one-sided. But wasn’t that my unconscious brain’s plan all the time? To fancy someone unavailable, to prove to myself that I still could. I just never counted on the fancying part getting so intense. I make a mammoth effort to move this on. ‘So long as Pixie likes mini sandwiches and jam scones and cupcakes and castles, she’s going to love what you’ve put together.’
My distraction has worked, because he pulls a face at me. ‘I still haven’t found the right cocktails.’
I feel so inadequate on every level. For totally failing to help him out of his emotional chasm. For being helpless to change anything to make life better for Pixie. So all I can do is check. ‘Apart from the alchemy with the gin, is there anything else you’d like me to do for the wedding?’ I pick up the doll and let Merwyn tug it as we start to walk along again.
Nic throws his denim jacket over his shoulder. ‘Actually, I’ve been thinking about Pixie’s blue dress.’
I’ve been thinking about that too. It’s a measure of how in tune he is that he’s picked up on this. ‘Indigo is unusual, but when a bride decides to break with tradition it’s helpful if her family respects that choice.’ I have to ask the biggie. ‘How does your mum feel about it?’
‘She knows Pixie’s head-strong. It’s not so much her – I’m remembering how fabulous Cally looked when she came towards us down the aisle in her lovely white dress.’
I have to agree. ‘She did look amazing.’ It feels so special that we both shared that moment. And not that I’m in any doubt, but it shows one more time how thoughtful and in tune with his emotions Nic is. And what a waste and a damned shame it would be for him to live a life where he closes them down.
Nic nods. ‘There was no doubt, and no half measures with Cally. She didn’t look like she accidentally got lost on her way to a prom. Categorically, the only thing she was there for was to marry Nigel.’ He pulls a face. ‘It’s a shame for Ewan and Pixie to miss out on that just because Pixie hates the idea of being the centre of attention. I thought maybe you could help?’
‘Me?’ My jaw’s dropped so far it’s practically on the sand. ‘It depends on why she’s gone for the blue. If it’s always been her dream it’s completely different from her wanting to wear it so no one looks at her.’
‘When Pixie comes to the shop, maybe you could check that out. Persuade her to think about whether she’d rather be a proper bride? It’s a once-in-a-lifetime moment, I’d hate her to throw it away.’ He’s taking in my hesitation. ‘Jess did say you’d tackle any job?’
I’m groaning inside simply because I already know he could be asking the impossible with this. Then I remember – he’s not just a very good friend I’ve grown to rely on more and more, he’s here for professional reasons. And he really needs my help with this. ‘Leave it with me.’ I’m not holding out much hope, but I’ll do my best. ‘So long as I get her on my own for a casual glance at the shoes, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to have quiet word.’
He comes in and gives me a squeeze. ‘Did I ever tell you how much I love you, Milla?’
‘No, but I told you that the day you pretended to be my fake fiancé and lent me a T-shirt.’ I force out a laugh, try to make it ironic. ‘Not long now.’
He grins. ‘When it’s over, I’m hoping I’ll know so much you’ll take me on as a wedding consultant.’
I laugh. ‘You’d have to get the right qualifications.’ Seeing as he was so generous to me earlier, I’m happy to return that. ‘Truly, Captain Kirk, you have to take the prize for the biggest turnaround in the history of weddings. In the end, you’ve astonished me with your aptitude for the business.’
‘Thanks for that. I have to say, I had the best teacher.’ He sends me a wink. ‘I’d better get on, I’ll leave you and Merwyn to your walk.’
