‘That’s a shame, I was enjoying the other one, Star-girl.’
‘I saw you singing along toFrozen.’
He lets out a sigh. ‘I wondered when we’d get onto that.’
That’s the thing, saying he was singing along is understating hugely. ‘Put it this way, with you there joining in, Olaf and Sven were finding it hard to get a word in edgeways.’ I give it a few strides along the sand for that to sink in. ‘Unless you’re one of those people who has total language recall, you only get that word perfect from watching a film a gazillion times.’ I stop and turn to look up at him. ‘So which is it?’
He lets out a breath. ‘What comes after a gazillion, then?’
‘Fuck knows.Maybe a trazillion? Why?’
‘As an approximate guess,that’sthe number of times I’ve seen it.’
‘Oh crap.’
‘That’s not the right reply, Ivy-star, this is where you’re supposed to ask mewhy?’
His voice slides so deep it’s making my ear drums tremble. There are the same lines on his face I saw earlier in the day, and seeing them sends my stomach plummeting to my knees. That box of DVDs. Keef treading on eggshells asking if we could use them. Was it really only earlier this afternoon? Today seems to have gone on forever. And there’s just this void of tragedy opening up in front of me. He was adamant he didn’t want kids here, and yet he knows his way round a pushchair back to front and it’s not because he’s been a mother’s help. And he can’t stand Christmas. And his house is stripped bare of anything personal. I’ve walked headlong into this one and there’s only one way out.
My scalp is tingling, and my heart is stone cold in my chest. But most of all, I’m really really kicking myself for being so wrapped up in my own dramas that I’ve failed to notice his.
‘You’ve lost a child haven’t you?’
He’s biting his lip. ‘Yes … and no.’
‘Why didn’t you say?’
‘It’s not as bad as you’re thinking, she’s in London with Gemma. I just haven’t seen her since January so it feels like she’s been gone forever.’
He and Gemma had a baby together.It’s been staring me in the face, but I chose not to notice; as the truth finally hits it winds me like a kick in the guts. That’s so much deeper and more complex than being a boyfriend and girlfriend who split up. I’m swallowing back sour saliva and cursing myself for the pangs of jealousy stabbing in my chest. That it was Gemma, not me. That he’ll be tied to her forever now. I know there’s nothing rational about the thoughts my mind is throwing up. I drag myself together, and work out the proper reaction a normal, uninvolved person would give.
‘But that’s almost a year.’ As I say it, I can’t hide my horror. ‘That can’t be right!’
He shakes his head. ‘At first Gemma didn’t want her to get upset by seeing me, and it’s ongoing, I’m the idiot for letting it slide.’
‘Does she have a name?’ I don’t want to push him. But at the same time, I’m desperate to know all of it. Right down to the very last detail.
‘Arabella, after Gemma’s mum, but Abby for short.’ His voice is wistful and faraway. ‘Saving you the next question, she’s almost six.’
‘That’s pretty.’ I’m trying not to think how cute and perfect a mix of him and Gemma will be. And doing the maths. They didn’t wait long after they got together, that shows how mad about each other they were, how committed, how head over heels. You don’t have a baby unless you’re all of those.
‘It’s all such a mess. And Gemma insists Abby’s very settled now. The last thing I want is to upset her because I’m selfishly wanting to see her.’ He closes his eyes. ‘But I miss her so much – for four years she was the reason I got up in the morning, although to be fair I didn’t usually have a choice, she’d be prising my eyelids open. She was such a live wire, her smiles brought the whole castle alive. I can’t tell you how empty my life is since she left. How pointless everything feels.’
‘And you put everything of hers away?’
There are deep lines on his face in the shadows and he’s come to a halt now, staring out around the curve of the bay to the lights of St Aidan, clustered in the distance. ‘Gemma literally cleared the place out when she left. The few things Gemma hadn’t taken went in the coach house, because I couldn’t bear to see them. The only thing that escaped the cull was the shelf of colognes in the bathroom. And the cupboards in the kitchen. The colognes came from Gemma’s sister – don’t ask me why they’re still there.’
I have to say. ‘I did notice those and wonder.’ It’s not the time to ask which he uses. I’m not sure I even want to know any more. It’s so much him, it wouldn’t be right on anyone else.
‘She’s a fragrance rep, hence the collection.’ He takes a breath. ‘I threw myself into work to block out how much I was hurting. So long as I don’t allow myself to think about it I can manage to function on a basic level.’
I know exactly where he’s coming from there, I’m very familiar with that. Burying the pain. Carrying on as if nothing had happened. Toughing it out, making myself so busy there’s no cracks for the past to break through into the current reality. At least this explains why the carefree guy I met that day in the chalet went away and came back so changed.
‘So long as I bat away Gemma’s demands, I can just about get by. Some days I almost convince myself that part of my life never happened, that this is all there ever was.’ He runs his fingers through his hair. ‘Then Christmas comes along with a whole heap of memories and expectations and makes everything a gazillion times worse again …’
He’s so broken, my heart is aching for him. ‘I’m so sorry. And then we come crashing in with all the kids and make it harder still. If there’s anything I can do to help …’ There won’t be.
‘You did mention …’ he’s looking down at me, his gaze steady in the darkness ‘… the last time we were on the beach …’
