‘She bought a sledgehammer from B&Q, flattened the lot on the drive, then sent me the bill for the clear up.’
‘WHAT?!!!!Oh my, I’m sorry, that’s so awful.’ At the same time, I don’t understand.At ALL. ‘But why, I thought you said you were still together.’
He blows out a breath. ‘I think what actually happened was you asked if we were still in touch, and when I said “yes” my answer was an ironic one.’
‘Sorry? I was a bit confused before, but you totally lost me there.’
He drags in a breath. ‘It’s true, Idohear from her most days – but lately that’s via her solicitor. We’re wrangling over property. And the letters are at best unpleasant and often hideous.’
‘Oh shit, that’s awful.’ I really don’t want to stick my nose in here, and if I’m secretly whooping inside because she’s out of the picture, that’s not what I mean at all.
‘We never got married, I always hoped that if we parted we’d be civilised. But whatever we agree on, she always comes back for more.’ He shakes his head. ‘But listen to me, you know how hard it is, I don’t have the monopoly on dark times, you’ve had a break up too.’
‘I did, but we were less entangled, we didn’t have our own places.’ The easy break up was the plus side to George and I not sharing anything. When he left, he literally walked out with a bag and his boxers, because everything else was mine. I’d actually bought most of his clothes and his undies too, but it wasn’t like I wanted to keep them.
As for Gemma, I only had two weeks with her. But anyone who filches a mountain size Mont Blanc chestnut meringue one day, and a whole box of my macaroons the next – and then lies about it – is hardly going to be straight in a split up. I shrug. ‘Isn’t she a lawyer, too …?’
He lets out a sigh. ‘Exactly. That’s a good life lesson there – never break up with a barrister.’ The hollows in his cheekbones are more pronounced than ever. ‘That’s how this whole Christmas let fiasco happened. I got yet another demand for cash I didn’t have, and an estimate from a solicitor to deal with it and in a very rash moment I threw the castle onto Facebook for a ridiculous amount that would cover the lot and more.’
I pull a face for everything he let himself in for. It was one desperate moment, and he didn’t deserve all this. ‘Six seconds later, you were committed … and you’ve been kicking yourself ever since.’ It’s not even a question. We know he has, we’ve all felt his pain and lived with his misery. But at least this explains it.
He shrugs. ‘Pretty much.’ Then his mouth twists. ‘It’s not all bad.’
I laugh at him. ‘By the end of Christmas you’ll have had the kind of free adverts you could only dream of for your gin, I suspect you’re going to eat your own weight in Scotch pancakes and possibly nut roast too. And after this lot, stag parties puking up and wrecking the place will be a walk in the park.’
‘You could be right.’
‘At the risk of sounding like Keef, you’ve got three choices – give up, give in or give it all you’ve got. But I get why you’re grumpy.’ I put my hand on his arm. ‘All those deccies, smashed toteensypieces … I’d be cross too. Actually I wouldn’t,I’d be effing furious!’
‘Thanks, Pom Pom.’ He gives me a nudge with his elbow. ‘I couldn’t have got this far without you.’ He raises his eyebrows, then he drops them again. ‘So how about you?’
I lift an eyebrow in query myself, because I wasn’t quite ready for this. ‘Me?’
‘It’s good to see you without your hat, that’s all.’
I know he’s shared a lot more than he needed to. ‘And now you’re wondering …?’
‘I’m sorry, I can’t help being curious …’ The way he’s staring at me it’s a lot more than that, it’s like he’s trying to see into my soul. ‘You don’t drink, you don’t date, I give you a onesie to wear and you practically throw up … yet the first time we met I couldn’t get you out of my head because you had this wonderful certainty about you. You were so happy, so much yourself, so different from everyone else in that cabin in Chamonix. So what happened?’ he asks gently.
I really didn’t come in here for him to be digging this deep. ‘Going on a winter sports holiday when I didn’t like skiing, that was certainly different. But everyone alters – you grow up, you live life and it changes you.’ The way his eyelashes are flickering, I’m going to have to give him something more. ‘Okay, I was in a car accident. But I only talk about it to Fliss. So long as I do things for other people and not myself, I’m fine, and I won’t ever need to think about it again. So I’m not being mean, but if you don’t mind I’d rather not discuss it any more.’
‘Whatever gets you through, you go for it.’ He tilts his head. ‘There I go, sounding like a cliché generator. I’m sad you got hurt, but I’m pleased you’re not giving up or giving in.’
I give him a punch on the arm. ‘And I’m sad you won’t get your refund, and I’m sorry you’re having a bad time. But I’m not sorry you broke up with Gemma.’ Oh my, where did that come from? I’m scrambling around my head to find something to add to make it sound better. ‘What I mean is, she was super-pretty on the outside, but anyone who smashes that many decorations is a lot less pretty on the inside.’ But I think we knew that bit already.
I’m suddenly thinking I’ve been in here for ages and the terrible time the kids are going to give me when I come out. ‘I’ve been in here way too long, Tiff and Tansy are convinced I come in here to snog you, I need to go.’
There’s a light dancing in his eyes. ‘And that’s not why you’re here? It seems a shame to disappoint them.’
My eyes are so far open my eyeballs feel like they could drop out.
And then his mouth twists again. ‘Only joking. Obviously.’ He shakes his head. ‘Taffeta and Tulle, whatarethose two like?’
The sweat is running down my spine in rivers not trickles. ‘Great, I know.’ I’m thinking what else I had to say. ‘Oh, and I need to remind you about mistletoe.’ And I jumped into that with both feet too.
‘So youdowant the snogging after all?’ His eyes are really dancing now. ‘I get it, you don’t want to ask, and you prefer surprises. I’m sure we can work with that.’
Oh my. To think I marched in here, thinking I was the one who was going to come out on top. What was I saying about needing to be ready to be astonished?
