I have to say it. ‘That’s Ambrose and Miranda’s room. And this is less Dido, more like people hanging their bedsheets out of the window after their wedding night?’
Fliss lets out a gasp. ‘Surely they can’t have …?’ Then she looks at me. ‘Of course they bloody haven’t, not even Miranda can claim virgin status when her grandkids are running up and down the landing.’
I’m nodding in agreement. ‘Brighton’s very continental, Miranda probably just hung the bedding out to air while they went to the wine merchants.’
Keef’s tilting his head on one side. ‘One problem with that theory – Ambrose’s car is right there under our noses, exactly where Libby tells him not to park it.’
As I take in Ambrose’s sparkly wheels as close to the front door as he can get without actually parking in the castle porch, my stomach drops. ‘They’re hardly going to go for a walk, they’re not in the hot tub or downstairs … so where the heck are they?’
‘Miranda!’ Fliss is cupping her hands around her mouth, shouting up at the window, Keef follows up with a small pebble or two, then we all join in the shouting.
There’s a rattle, and as the sash flies up the sheet flops down and lands at our feet. And when we look up again, Miranda’s filling the window frame.
‘Wherethe HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?’
Fliss shoots me a sideways grimace. ‘We walked to St Aidan, then we’ve been searching for you and Ambrose.’
Miranda’s barking. ‘Well, we’ve been stuck up here all bloody day, we even hung out an SOS flag.’
Oscar’s stamping around waving a stick. ‘All bloody day … all bloody day …’
Miranda’s still going. ‘We locked the door and it jammed, we shouted the place down this morning, why didn’t anyone come to help?’
We all know the answer to that, but maybe now’s not the best moment to explain.
Keef’s calling up. ‘Stay where you are, Miranda.’ As if she’d do anything else. ‘Two minutes, I’ll get the ladders.’
In reality it’s slightly longer, but then he’s back from the side of the castle, and we’re hearing the aluminium clinking against the stone as he extends them up the facade. Seeing him shimmying up the rungs in his Aztec print surfie pants, his bead braids flying, to a window filled with Miranda, it’s weirdly like watching Rapunzel in reverse.
Then he drops out of sight over the frame edge and a few seconds later there’s a shout. ‘Yay, we’re free!’
When Keef reappears at the window, he’s being showered with kisses and adulation from a very appreciative and exceedingly breathy Miranda.
‘My hero, my hero, you saved us, you saved us!’
Keef’s grinning. ‘All in a day’s work.’ He winks at her. ‘You know what they say, Miranda –before you can be free, first you need to open the door …’
As she beams back at him her eyes are dancing. ‘… and then you need to let go …thencarpethose effingdiems!’ She lets out a husky laugh. ‘We two should go into partnership … empowering sound bites from Cockle Shell Castle.’
Bill’s shouting up. ‘So what was the problem?’
Keef’s shaking his head as he finally disentangles himself from Miranda’s arms and slides back out onto the ladder. ‘Nothing major, these old upside down locks, they’d been turning the key the wrong way, that’s all.’
Which probably says something hugely significant, I’m just not quite sure what.
