Libby’s patting the back of a squishy leather chair from the barn. ‘I can see why you were horrified, Ivy, it certainly is “less in more”.’ She lets out a sigh. ‘Oh well, it’s only two weeks. And if there’s nothing to smash we won’t have to pay for breakages.’
I should be grateful, her reaction could have been worse. ‘How about a nice cup of tea in front of a roaring fire?’
I’m suddenly aware that she’s moved, come to a halt in front of the next tree and is frowning at it, so I clear my throat because it’s gone completely dry. ‘The trees … you’ve noticed we’ve left the smaller ones …’ I’m croaking ‘… we decided it was much more fun for everyone to help with those and the ones in the bedrooms too. That way everyone gets to personalise their own, it’s much more individual.’ It goes to show how your brain can come up with the most ridiculous stuff under pressure, and I’m still going. ‘We could even make our own decorations too.’
Resting bitch face doesn’t begin to cover her expression. ‘And that’s exactly why we brought you, Ivy.’
Instead of moving through to look at the dining area more closely, she wanders back into the hall, then turns to me again. ‘And another surprise! When you mentioned staff, I hadn’t imagined so many. Look at this lot, it’s like Chatsworth.’ What is there to say? Only that she possibly hates this less than the rest.
Beyond Libby’s head the whites of Bill’s eyes are flashing. ‘Our human resources envelope is super-elastic, we bring in the manpower on an “as and when” basis.’ At a guess, he’s bricking it here.
I’m rolling my eyes at him. ‘Really … nicely put, Bill.’
It doesn’t take much to snap Libby back into business-woman mode. ‘Great move … if you can get away with it.’
That tiny bit of encouragement and Bill’s flying now. ‘We definitely benefit from the seasonal nature of the local economy, it keeps the hired hands hungry. And we also like to maximise the opportunities for the older workforce.’ Flying so close to the sun, he’s in danger of crashing face down in his own bullshit.
I shoot him a ‘shut the hell up’ look. I think he’s forgetting, he’s the man who had seating for ten, a booking for twenty-five and no dining table. He just managed to lose twenty mahoosive boxes of Christmas deccies. However obliging his dad’s mates are, he’s not about to win Businessman of the Year.
I’m moving this on while we’re still ahead. ‘So maybe we should bring in the luggage, get that cup of tea.’
Tomas might look like he’s old enough to ask for a razor for Christmas, but he’s waggling his phone in Libby’s face, sticking his bottom lip out like a badly behaved six year old, and whining like he’s three. ‘Mother … you do know there’s still no signal?’
If it’s any consolation, Libby’s just as curt with him. ‘Your holiday challenge is to find it. Why else do you think we brought all those boxed set DVDs and the vintage Gameboys?’
‘Thanks a bunch MUM!!! NOT!!!’
She’s totally dismissing his concerns. ‘There’s a whole beach for you to play on, get on with it.’
‘Fuck sandcastles, forget the effing bastard beach, this is the shittest place ever!!!’ Tomas wrenches open the enormous front door and slams it behind him.
As the bottles jingle on the tree, and ten mouths drop open, I know exactly how he feels. I’ve been there. What’s more, the other kids are still here, but they’re scowling at Libby as if they’d like to nuke her.
‘But M-u-u-u-m …’ It’s the smaller girl now.
Libby’s eyes zone out. ‘Don’t start, Tansy.’
‘But you totally tricked us, you’ve brought us here by false pretending, it’s like kidnapping. If our phones were actually working we’d report you to Childline for lying.’ Her eyes are flashing, and she’s obviously inherited her resting bitch faceandher tough talking from her mother.
And there’s a strangled echo from the bigger girl. ‘How are me and Tansy going to upload our vlogs? All our followers are waiting for updates.’ She stares at her mum accusingly. ‘Yourproducts will suffer from this too, you know.’
It’s not that I’m judging. And it’s true, Fliss has given me enough hints. But they’re justsolacking in warmth and humanity,sotied up in their own little commercial world. And that’s just the kids. They’re justSO MUCHworse than I expected.
The smaller boy pipes up. ‘I’m going to tell my dad.’
Libby’s granite snap hardens. ‘Well good luck with that. It’ll be easier to find Cornish wifianda Celtic mermaid than get a line in to him.’
‘So maybe, tea now?’ I turn to wince at Fliss, but she’s fully occupied grappling with Oscar’s telegraph pole as he powers towards the tree at a hundred miles an hour. Truly, that boy is a one-man demolition team. I’m picturing the ruination he’d have wreaked on the Osbourne and Little wallpaper and the chandelier candelabras in the Cockle Shell palace up the coast if he’d gone tossing his caber in there. And on balance it feels better we’re here, not there.
‘Tea?’ It’s Libby. ‘We’re not nearly ready for that, we need photos first.’
‘We do?’ Looking at the kids’ angry faces, unless she’s brought some spare Santa sacks to drop over their heads we might be best leaving this until later.
‘Absolutely. As many combinations as you can of the staff up their ladders, please.’ As she hands me her phone she’s totally unsmiling. ‘And then we’ll go for a selfie with usandthe workforce in front of the tree.’
I have to check. ‘Everyone here okay with pictures going up on Instagram etcetera?’ I take it from the way they’re holding their poses that they’re all in.
As I leap about getting different angles, Libby’s shaking her head. ‘It’s so good we set off a day early, any later we might have missed it.’
