Joe nods at Plum and she slips inside, then comes back out and hands Joe a small soggy envelope which he passes over to me. ‘We were drying it on the desk, I don’t know how much has survived.’
It crosses my mind to let it dry properly first, but I can’t wait. I glance up at Joe as I undo the envelope. ‘Dark pink, that’s so Laura. That spiky writing is so familiar; I use her hand-written recipe cards every day.’
Joe nods. ‘That was Laura, always scratching away with her pen making all those little triangles.’
I sigh, because I’d overlooked how comforting it would be to talk to someone else who knew her. ‘And sea blue paper too.’ The single page is soft and felty in my fingers as I ease the folds apart.
Plum’s leaning in to help. ‘It’s handmade paper so it shouldn’t rip, would you like us to leave you on your own to read it?’
I shake my head. ‘You’re all as much a part of this as I am. If it wasn’t for you meeting Joe at the harbour, I wouldn’t even have it, and if it wasn’t for Sophie I’d never have visited the flat. In any case, it’s very short.’ I can see now, it’s just a few lines. The way my heart dips, I must have been hoping for more. Although realistically ten pages wouldn’t be enough to answer the questions in my head now. As I screw up my eyes it takes a while to make out the first washed-out words:
Clemmie, my little penguin,
I pause and look up.‘Oh my, Clemmie penguin, that’s what she used to call me. Like the penguins on the bookshelves.’ I wipe away a tear from the outside of my eye. When I start to read again my eyelashes are as clumped and wet as when I surfaced in the harbour.
You were the one who couldn’t be with us and because of that you will always have a very special place in my heart.
By the time this reaches you (and I hope it does), I will be long gone. But my forever wish is that one day you will get to know our family, and better still become a part of it. If you’re holding this letter in your hand reading these words, you’re already part way there. I am willing your heart to be big enough for you to leave the past behind and move on to a new beginning.
Life doesn’t always work out as we’d like it to. The flat is my way of making up for a tiny part of what you missed out on. I like to think of you there, living your life, cooking in the kitchen like we used to do. If it makes you half as happy as I was when I looked after you there, that’s enough for me.
When you were small you and I would look out together at the moon shining on the bay and you used to say … I love you more than rainbows, to the moon and back, as deep as the ocean, to the edge of the sky …
It broke my heart that I didn’t get to see you grow up but my love for you never changed. You were far away from me, but I want you to know, you could not have been any more loved. All that love is here for you now, and more.
Always, Laura xx
Some people cry quietly. When I begin to read, my tears are streaming, but by the time I reach the end I’m letting out loud ugly moaning sobs and I don’t even care. And somewhere through my sobs some strong arms close around me and hold me. It’s only as my wails subside and the grip loosens that Charlie’s scent breaks through my haze. If I’ve got my cheek rammed hard against Charlie’s pecs and I’m keeping it there for longer than strictly necessary simply because it feels like the right place to be, hopefully he’ll overlook I’m hanging on for so long.
Then Charlie gently lets me go and the others read it too, and one by one they all join in with the sniffing and eye wiping and hugs.
Plum’s blowing her nose on a paint rag and her face is all red and streaky as her arm flops around my shoulder. ‘It’s just so sad, Clemmie.’
My stomach is contracting as I dab my nose on my napkin. ‘It is sad … but it’s uplifting too.’ It’s making my chest ache and want to burst all at the same time. Just for now I feel like I could conquer the world, and even if it’s fleeting you don’t get much better than that.
Charlie squeezes me all over again. ‘What did I tell you, Clems, it’s lovely.’
Plum turns to Joe. ‘Did you know what was in it?’
He sniffs. ‘No, but Laura had a huge heart and she always wanted to make things right.’
Plum sighs. ‘Just a few lines, but there’s so much in there and she says it all so perfectly. It’s beautiful, Clemmie.’
I turn to Joe because this could be my one chance to clear this up. ‘So do you know what happened all those years ago?’ I’m holding my breath as I wait for his answer.
Joe’s shaking his head. ‘Sorry, Laura only ever spoke about you to us just before she died. We didn’t rush to find you because Laura was very specific, she wanted us to wait until now.’ From the way he apologises he knows he’s disappointing me.
It’s my turn to explain my side. ‘I’ve found pictures in the flat, and another letter. But the more I find, the less I understand.’ I sigh. ‘I never wanted to ask questions before, but now I do there’s no one left I can ask.’ I’m discounting my mum and his dad here, because they’re obviously no use. I know I hated that Joe was in St Aidan, but Laura’s letter puts everything in a different light.
Joe’s shrugs. ‘I wish I could help more, there’s nothing else I can tell you. But you will meet up with me again?’
Charlie cuts in. ‘How about we all go for lunch at the Harbourside tomorrow? My treat. You’ve a lot of catching up to do and it’s very relaxed on the terrace there.’
I know I hate the way he’s always on the case, but today I’m truly grateful he is. Just this once he couldn’t have done better.
32
At the office
