There’s a sour taste in my mouth. ‘Jill’s my mum.’ I pass the paper back to Charlie. ‘I can’t read it. It might be a love letter.’
His hand is light on my arm, and his eyes are dark with concern. ‘Shall I skim through it and see what it says?’
‘Yes.’ As I clamp my eyes shut my mouth tastes sour. ‘This is exactly why I shouldn’t have come here. If only I’d stayed away … then you could have had your flat … and I’d already be back in Paris by now …’
His hand tightens on my wrist. ‘Clemmie, you need to read this.’
A chill creeps down my spine as I open my eyes. ‘I do?’
He nods and passes me the paper. Even though it’s as old as I am it’s still that bluey white colour. And now I look more closely, there’s not a letter out of place in the even blue biro writing. The way it flows down the page with every line parallel, it’s way too neat for a first draft. Careful planning. Not leaving anything to chance. That’s my mum all over. I screw up my insides and pick out some phrases:
… this is breaking my heart too … I couldn’t live with myself if it were any other way … the hardest decision, but the only choice … you have to go … even if we can’t be together, I promise I’ll always love you … forever and longer …
Charlie’s arm is round my shoulder, and my cheek is crushed against the soft blue checks of his shirt. When my words come out, they’re a whisper.
‘It’s not how she said. Not at all.’
Charlie’s chest expands under my face as he takes a breath. ‘It was a long time ago, you can’t judge from one letter. It’s a few lines and they say very little.’
‘But when you read this, it’s clear they were talking. And they loved each other. And she’s the one who’s sending him away. For my whole life, I wrote him off as a total bastard because he legged it the second he found out she was pregnant.’ Now there’s a glimmer of a chance it might not have been like that, there’s a twanging ache in my chest.
Charlie sighs as he lets me go. ‘It’s the old cliché – there’s always two sides. At least now you’re old enough and wise enough to understand rather than make snap judgements.’
As I stare at my pain au chocolat, the inside of my mouth feels like sawdust. ‘I’m not hungry any more.’ It’s as if every certainty in my life has been tipped upside down and shaken. It’s the same as it was with the photos. I know one piece of paper from thirty years ago shouldn’t be this upsetting and once I’ve had time to get used to it I’ll probably mind less. But right now, there are so many questions flying around in my head, and no one here to answer them. My poor mum, no wonder she was always upset when I asked about my dad.
Charlie narrows his eyes as he sits down on the sofa. ‘What you need to remember is whatever went on in your past, your mum couldn’t have loved you any more, and neither could Laura. You’ve turned out to be an amazing person, Clemmie. It might be best to concentrate on what comes next rather than what went on before, because that’s what you can change. Come on, you’re the croissant queen, try a sip of coffee.’ However badly he behaves in other areas of his life, when it comes to heartfelt advice he’s spot on. And his hugs with the heat of his firm chest against my cheek couldn’t be any warmer or more comforting.
‘Okay.’ I drag in a breath, pick up my cup, and feel very proud of myself for not clinging on for longer. ‘Thanks, Hobson.’
His smile is gentle. ‘It won’t seem half so bad after breakfast.’ His face slides into a grin as he nods at the plate piled high with pastries. ‘You can’t seriously expect me to eat this lot on my own.’
I tug at Diesel’s ear as he sidles up. ‘There’s someone here who’s keen to help you. Although you’re right, I need my calories. Thinking of the immediate future, there’s going to be a mega tidy up to do next door.’
As Charlie’s grin widens he’s looking super pleased with himself. ‘That’s all taken care of.’ He looks at his phone. ‘Dainty Dusters should be cleaning as we speak. If you haven’t any other plans, you could always come for a wander along the beach with Diesel and me.’
‘A walk?’ I’m playing for time and trying to sound less appalled than I am. Given the choice between a walk and cleaning, I’d opt for the inside option. Every time. ‘I’m not really an exercise kind of person.’ It’s one thing hiking a hundred metres along to the Surf Shack with the kids on a sunny afternoon. But Charlie and Diesel look fit enough to be off for a ten mile jog. And the weirdest thing is, now I think about it I’m wanting to go. Not to tackle him about Joe. Just because he’s calming and when it comes to my past he understands. Not many people can find the right words for a tough moment. But he does.
He laughs. ‘Walking’s a great way to clear your head. It’s only like one of your blows on the balcony, but you move your legs a bit too. And it’s Saturday, it’s not as if you’re doing anything else.’ As usual he’s not taking ‘No’ for an answer.
I’m scouring my brain for excuses. ‘I only have cowboy boots. With heels. And I definitely couldn’t zoom along like Dakota.’
His face wrinkles. ‘What’s Dakota got to do with anything?’ If he doesn’t know the answer to that, I’m not going to spell it out.
‘And I have baking to do for Sunday.’ Which is tomorrow. Amazingly, there are still more takers for the latestChocolate Boxselection. Although after yesterday’s bash, an evening at mine will feel tiny. Then I glance out at the steel grey sea and find my best excuse yet. ‘And it’s raining.’
He’s back to his smile. ‘Good thing you got your umbrella out. So, that’s a ‘yes’ for the walk. I’ll lend you a waterproof.’ They’re statements not questions. ‘And baking reminds me, next week we’re moving on to pastry.’
‘We are?’ I can’t quite believe we’ve finally got there. It’s harder to get right, but it opens up so many possibilities.
He nods. ‘Once you can make tarts, the baking world’s your oyster. That’s no bad place to be for a mermaid who’s great at cooking.Andkeeping secrets.’
I wave my middle finger at him for the last bit. At times like this I wish he’d bum off back next door and get on with his speculating. And leave this particular mermaid to enjoy a lazy morning in bed.
Although the second I walked into Seaspray Cottage back in April, I swapped peace for shocks and surprises. I can’t help wondering what’s going to turn up next.
22
At Plum’s gallery
