He squints at me. ‘What?’
Our old conversations are all coming back. ‘Site regs when working at a height. Don’t you have to clip on above two metres?’ He talks the talk, I make the jokes.
His face is still blank. ‘Shall we get on with this, Hols?’
As I stare around the room, everyone’s talking so hard it’s as if they’ve forgotten we’re here. It’s very like the night we had to force everyone back into Sophie and Saffy’s reception. As I catch Luc’s eye again, I give an apologetic shrug. Then I dip my hand into my bag and the first thing I pull out is Immie’s wee pot. Which was well worth it, if only for the look of disgust on Luc’s face. Second time lucky, I pull out the whistle. Two sharp blasts later, the room is ours. Almost.
I’m just psyching myself up to speak when a loud voice from the back breaks the silence. ‘I heard Holly talk Saffy into getting married when she was ready to run off. She’ll know her own mind here. Be quiet and let her speak.’
Good point well made, about letting me get a word in. But I’m gobsmacked that he’s been so indiscreet. ‘That was supposed to be a secret, Gary.’
Ken joins in. ‘We’re backing Team Rory!’ With comments like that they’re completely living up to their matchingBad Elfjumpers too.
I glare at them both, then take a moment to focus on the dazzle coming off my hand. It’s so much more than I’d ever hoped for. I’ve spent an entire year aching not to be on my own. Luc taking me back at any point would have been beyond my wildest dreams. Yet now I’m staring down at this startling row of diamonds, in just the kind of simple and classy white-gold setting I’d have chosen myself, it couldn’t feel more wrong.
‘Okay.’ As I take a deep breath, I’m taking it for granted that everyone wants to hear this. ‘As some of you already know, this time last year when Luc proposed to me, it’s no secret that I ran away. Then, by the time I was ready to say yes, he’d changed his mind.’
Immie interjects loudly. ‘Andbuggered off to America. Don’t forget that bit. As dickheads go, they don’t come any bigger.’
I pause for a moment, then start again. ‘It’s true what Jess said. I cried for an entire eleven months.’ I pull a face at her. ‘And then I came here. And for the last few weeks, I’ve done a lot of things I’d never have done by choice. But somewhere along the line that’s made me into a different person. It’s showed me I’m capable of a lot more than I thought.’ Even as I’m speaking, I know the Holly who came off the train would never have dared to do this. Although admittedly, I’m still a long way from coming out with the kind of slick performance and fancy words Luc uses.
Poppy flops down beside me and punches my arm. ‘Go Holly!’
I glare across at Gary and Ken. ‘And it definitely isn’t about teams, okay?’ It’s somehow very important to make that clear. ‘This isonlyabout Luc and me. And Luc, you’re a great guy. For four years, you were solid and certain. But I think what I took from you was security rather than love. Somehow we collided and we stuck together, when maybe we shouldn’t have. I was your happy accident, who all your friends thought was ditsy. And you were my comfortable option. However hard we work at this, we’re never going to make it more than that.’
Luc’s blinking up at me, as if he’s been struck dumb.
I look across at Gary. ‘I think I finally began to understand the day I talked to the bride Gary mentioned. I was taking pictures at her wedding when she had a wobble and I helped her sort out why. Her reluctance was all about little things. But she showed me what it was like to be crazily in love with the man she was going to marry. So in love she couldn’t imagine a day waking up without him. The kind of love where all that mattered was that they were together. Enough love to see them through the bad times, as well as the good times.’ I turn to Luc. ‘When I ran away last Christmas, Luc, at the time I didn’t have a clue why it had happened. But now I know, it wasn’t because I was shocked or because I was scared.’
As I look between the faces, I see Rory, back by the wall, nodding gently as he listens. Of all the things I’ve done since I’ve been here, he’s pushed me the hardest. But he’s also been there supporting me, every inch of the way. I can’t actually believe I’m daring to stand here saying this to everyone. And without Rory’s help, I never would have been.
I take another breath and look back to Luc. ‘I now see, if we’d truly loved each other, I wouldn’t have had misgivings when you asked me to marry you last Christmas. And you wouldn’t have been able to leave me in the way you did. So I’ve finally worked it out – my instincts were good that day. I ran because we didn’t have the kind of love we needed to carry us through. I ran because deep down I knew what you were asking was wrong for both of us.’
Luc’s still down on the floor, resting his elbow on his one knee, propping his chin on his hand. For the first time in our entire relationship, I’ve got his undivided attention. And, blow me down, as they say in the States, but he’s actuallylisteningto me too.
As I’ve no idea how long this state of bliss will last, I press on. ‘So that’s why I’m just as certain I should be saying “thanks, but no thanks” this time around. I’m very touched that you’ve come back. It means everything that you’ve asked me to marry you a second time. And I’m truly sorry I can’t accept. But at least it’s given me a chance to explain. And this way we can say a proper “goodbye” too. Believe me, you’re a fabulous man. Just not the right one for me. And I’m certain there will be some very lucky woman out there, who will make you a lot happier than I ever could.’
I’ve pretty much said it all. I’m wavering, wondering what the hell to do, apart from giving the ring back, obviously. Next thing, I find myself getting up. I’ve tugged the ring off my finger and I’m stepping forward, holding it out for him to take, my arms open. And I’ve completely forgotten that Luc’s notevera huggy person. Anddefinitelynot in public. As he scrambles to his feet, I can’t help noticing how obsessively shiny his shoes are. But that’s not my problem any more. He’s also totally overdone the expensive-smelling and rather spicy cologne in his collar region, so even from two feet away, my eyes are starting to stream. But whatever, the hug we both participate in feels more spontaneous and heartfelt than any he’s ever given me. As my cheek is rammed against his lapel, the tears I’m sniffing away are mostly allergic. If there’s a tiny twist in my heart and a lump in my throat, they’re for all the things we couldn’t give each other.
Then everyone starts to clap and cheer. And strangely, it feels like it couldn’t have been any louder if we’d just got engaged.
Chapter 39
Monday 25th December
Christmas Day at Rose Hill Manor: Swishy tails and special deliveries
As expected, turning down a proposal, in public, in Rose Hill isn’t without fallout. I get enough hugs, well wishes and advice in the next hour to last at least until the mince pies come out a lot later this afternoon. By midday, when a lot of the guests are peeling off back to their own Christmas lunches, I’m pretty much over the shock of getting engaged then unengaged all inside ten minutes. I’m catching a quiet moment by the French window when Rory sidles up with Gracie for his own debriefing.
‘Well done for that one, Berry.’ As he pulls me towards him with his one spare arm, there’s a waft of delicious Diesel mixed with Rory’s own particular guy smell, and a crush so hard I can hear his heart hammering against his chest wall. He frowns down at me. ‘Are you okay? Have you survived the mass concern and love?’
I nod. ‘I even had a hug from Jules. He’s very brave to come out when he’s still blotchy.’ For someone as appearance-orientated as Jules, a face that’s all red must be a nightmare.
Rory laughs. ‘There’s barely an inch of face showing between the top of his scarf and his Santa hat. And that’s covered in concealer.’ He looks down at Gracie.
‘So how about these presents?’
Gracie’s bottom lip wobbles. ‘P-p’raps them’s at Mummy’s house.’
