He rolls his eyes. ‘Like everything else – a bit shit.’
* *
Flicking through the playlist,Fight for this Love,Bat out of Hell, andTeenage Dirt Bagall go in the nostalgia pile.Issues,Fix You, Wishing and HopingandSo Kiss Me, go in the what the hell? pile. I’m puttingReachandGirls Just Wanna Have Funin the happy pile, when he comes back in.
As he throws himself down on the sofa, he looks about as agitated as Immie after she’s had half an hour on herCool-Headapp. ‘Jeez, is this a hell of a night or what?’ He blows. ‘Poppy’s having contractions, so Rafe’s taking her into hospital. They were just leaving as I got there.’
‘How’s Rafe?’ This is just what he doesn’t need.
‘Exactly like a guy who already lost a baby that came early.’
‘And Poppy?’ I’m wincing and feeling guilty for not making her rest more.
He shakes his head. ‘We’ll know more later. Right now there’s nothing we can do, except hope very hard.’ He pores over his laptop. ‘Maybe we’ll skipBaby LoveandExes and Ohsand go straight to Radiohead.’
I grit my teeth and stick those tracks firmly in the fun pile. ‘No Surprises?’ I smile as the first haunting notes echo across the room. ‘It’s pretty much my theme tune. I love this track.’
‘Me too. It kept me sane in hospital.’ He pats his upper arm closest to me. ‘Feel free to lean. No strings. It’s going to be a long night, that’s all.’
Wedged against the solid warmth of his shoulder, with the songs in the background, the hours pass strangely fast. At four a.m. there’s a call from the hospital to say Erin’s out of danger. At five Rafe rings to say Poppy’s not in labour and they’ll be home again in the morning. And at six Gracie and Teddie come through and are delighted to find Rory’s up before them. And when I wake up even later to find I’m curled up, head in Rory’s crotch, under a cashmere throw, he’s polite enough to pretend it never happened.
Chapter 36
Sunday 24th December
In Rose Hill village: Gone shopping
‘So what colour roses?’ Rory’s staring at the array of buckets in the village shop. ‘Pink?’
‘Definitely not, Freya wasn’t girlie.’ As I look at the blur of colours, I know why I don’t usually do this. It’s because somehow nothing ever seems beautiful enough. ‘I was thinking yellow, but since you found the holly plant, I think the smaller white rosebuds.’
It’s only a short walk from the shop to the churchyard, with Gracie hanging onto my hand and skipping, while Rory carries Teddie. Not that I come here often. But I can make my way to the pale headstone by the end wall without even looking.
Rory stoops down and gets the tiny bush out of the bag, and pushes the pot into the ground. ‘It’s nice to find a holly with so many berries on. Look, Berry, there’s still frost on the grass too.’
I take out the roses and bind them with a black and white ribbon that came from the tree at Sophie and Saffy’s wedding. As I bend down and put them beside the pot of holly I’m sniffing away my tears. Then, as I get up, Rory’s spare arm comes around me and I bury my face in the soft Diesel-scented folds of his windcheater, and stay there for a long time.
When I finally prise myself away, we walk around the paths between the graves, taking a while to wind our way back to the world outside.
‘Are you very sad, Holses?’ Gracie’s hopping now, pulling on my hand. ‘Do you want your mummy?’ She stops tugging and begins to rub the sleeve of my furry leopard coat. ‘Don’t worry, your Feather Christmas presents will make you better.’
The corners of Rory’s eyes crinkle as he smiles at me over her head. ‘Berry’s thinking about someone she loved very much. And promising she’s going to be brave from now on.’
Gracie does another lurch forward. ‘Brave like you … going to the shops?’
‘Did I say that, Gracie?’ He laughs as he holds her spare hand to help her down the worn stone steps that lead back down to the pavement. ‘I’ll let you know if I’m brave or crazy, once we’re back.’
* *
In fact it’s hours, and many twinkly shops later, before Rory’s satisfied that the pile of carriers in the back of the beer-mobile is huge enough. For a reluctant shopper, he turns out to have a knack for seeing past the tinsel to find perfect gifts. He also manages to dodge to the tills without Gracie noticing what he’s carrying. Then we pop into the Fun Palace at the Crab and Pilchard for a late lunch, where Gracie’s way more interested in the food than the play area. She demolishes her own pizza on a slate, then works her way through our beer-battered fish and chips too.
And afterwards we go back to Brides by the Sea for our final stop of the day. We’re with Sera in her studio, with its lovely brick walls and fabric swatches, measuring Gracie for my own surprise present, when Jess comes rushing up the stairs.
‘Lovely, now you’re all here, I can tell you about the new plans for Christmas.’ Somehow she’s purring and beaming both at the same time. ‘It’s obviously going to be too much for Poppy to entertain at the farm as she is. So it’s all settled. Everything’s transferring to the Manor. You’re all invited, and there’s quite enough room for everyone to stay overnight. Lily and Kip will be there. Who knows, we might even persuade Jules to come too.’
However thrilled Jess looks, and however practical this is, I’m still worried. ‘How’s Poppy taking it?’
Jess pulls the corners of her mouth down. ‘She’s not happy. But we’ve all decided it’s the best thing for her and the baby. She turns to Rory. ‘You and the childrenwillcome, won’t you?’
