‘So?’ I rack my brain to find some acceptable vocabulary. ‘What’s the calamity?’
Her face lapses back into the ‘holy crap’ expression. ‘Bloody Marilyn’s chopped the bottom off Katie’s wedding dress.’ The way she’s panting sounds horribly like something offOne Born Every Minute.
‘Are you sure you’re not having contractions?’
‘Absolutely not.’ She breaks off to give a sniff of disgust, then clamps her hand to her bump and squints at me. ‘Did you know I was coming? It’s just you’ve already got your hat on.’
How do I explain that one without wasting half an hour? ‘Women’s intuition?’ When she seems to accept that I go on. ‘On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?’
She doesn’t have to stop to think. ‘Twenty four.’
Ew. ‘Twenty four, where bad ishigh?’ It’s so far off the scale, it’s worth clarifying.
‘Yeah.’ As she nods frantically, her eyes are popping. ‘The thing is, Lily’s still here working on the barn, Sera’s on the night train back from an appointment in London. So that only leaves you and me.’ She’s back to the mouse squeaks. ‘And we have thirteentinyhours to make this okay.’
What is it about weddings? They just keep giving and giving.
Chapter 31
Sunday 17th December
At Brides by the Sea: Shortcuts
By the time we’ve all got to the shop and Katie’s standing in the White Room in her dress and her platforms, Poppy’s totally nailed her soothing tones again.
‘We’re all going to stay super-composed here, Katie. At Brides by the Sea we pride ourselves on delivering happy outcomes. And we’re absolutely going to achieve one of those this evening.’ She puts a glass of amber liquid on the console table. ‘Sip this, it’ll help.’
After a mini debate in the kitchen, we decided, with the wedding tomorrow, we’d go for a relaxing Pimms and apple juice Winter Warmer, rather than Jess’s usual ‘hard times’ cocktail of neat gin laced with Rescue Remedy.
Katie’s chewing her knuckles and her nose is like a beacon as she stares down at her skirt and mumbles. ‘It’s too short for the kitten heels, it’s not even working with flats.’ However much Seth wanted her electric blue platforms at the ceremony, I’m sure he didn’t want to seethismuch of them. As the dress is now, after Marilyn’s ill-judged, high-speed hacking session on Friday morning, the hem is bobbing around her ankle bone. You don’t have to be Yves St Laurent to know it’s not a good look.
Poppy’s got her inner serene goddess well and truly channelled here. ‘So, let’s explore the options, very calmly, one by one.’ She’s sticking up her fingers as she talks. ‘Pulling the skirt to sit lower isn’t going to work. We definitely don’t want to chop another foot off and make it properly short, we agree the ankle skimming isn’t working, and adding a longer petticoat looks wrong too.’ She pauses and goes again. ‘We know all your mini snowflake sequins were specially added. We do have a longer skirt here we could substitute, but it hasn’t got snowflakes on it.’
Katie’s wail is teensy, but it’s still a wail. ‘But the snowflakes are what make it m-i-ne.’ Her bottom lip is trembling. ‘Without them I could be any old bride, but those make me feel like a mountain princess.’
Even as I wave my arm around the long rail of dresses beside me, I know the answer. ‘Any of the above?’
This time it’s a proper wail. ‘Nooooooooooooo!’
Poppy and I are exchanging private despairing grimaces when the shop door slams. As we hold our breaths to listen, there’s a loud stomping in the hallway and a familiar booming voice.
‘Talk about SOS, What’s your Emergency? Don’t worry, whatever shitheap you’ve landed in, I’m here to pull you out.’ She gives a cough. ‘I’ve done three meditation classes and a power napping course today. I’m beyond ready to concentrate my mind.’
‘Immie.’ Poppy’s throat cutting signs are going entirely unheeded as Immie bursts through from the hall.
She stands and assesses the damage, with her hands on her hips. ‘Rory told me you’re up to your armpits in disaster, and trumping toad farts, he’s not joking. What the hell happened there, Katie? You look like you’ve been out limboing with a hedge trimmer.’ She’s never one to hold back, but we could really do with a less forthright summing up. She couldn’t have fitted more banned words into one sentence if she tried.
‘I’m so sorry, this isallmy fault.’ I’m looking out at the street lights washing the mews outside with pale light, cringing with guilt.
Poppy turns to me, her voice firm. ‘No, Hols, when you let the dress leave the shop you had no idea this was going to happen. We’veallagreed, there’s only one person responsible for this debacle. And that’s Marilyn.’
Immie’s eyes are wide. ‘Marilyndidthat? Frig Precisely Peaceful, my inner beauty’s going to have to take a running jump. What an elephant-arse bitch queen … troglodyte mayonnaise … head slapper …’ She stares round at us, shaking her head. ‘Truly, there are no words.’
In some ways, she might have been better to have started with the last bit.
Poppy raises her eyebrows and turns to Katie. ‘I’m sorry, I was hoping for more up-beat input there.’
Katie shakes her head. ‘Not at all. It’s great to hear you telling it how it is, Immie. Actually, it really helps.’
