‘Kate,’ she says, smiling briefly and looking at her notes, as though reminding herself of who I am. I hope it doesn’t say ‘tumour the size of a planet’ on those notes. ‘First of all, everything is fine after your fall. You have a very mild concussion, nothing at all to worry about, and I see Sandra has done a top-notch job on the stitches.’
Phew. No incurable cancer. That’s a huge relief – but why are the curtains still closed? Why is the nurse still here?
‘That’s great, thank you. Can I leave now?’ I ask.
‘You can, as long as you promise to take it easy – we’ll give you a fact sheet about concussions, and any warning signs to look out for.’
‘Oh good. I do like a fact sheet.’
‘But before you go, we need to talk about one of your test results.’
I nod, trying not to look terrified. Maybe I’ve got a vitamin deficiency, or I’m anaemic, or they’ve discovered I have a rare genetic condition that makes me tell men I love them at inappropriate moments. I like that last one. It would be nice to have something to blame other than myself.
‘So, you weren’t really communicating very well when you arrived, which is understandable. We have standard tests thatwe do on women of your age before we proceed any further, in case it affects the course of treatment.’
She frowns a little, and then makes eye contact with me. ‘Kate,’ she says, ‘did you know that you are pregnant?’
TWENTY-SIX
KATE
I stare at her, my eyes going wide, frowning in confusion. Maybe she is only twelve after all, because I know that can’t be right.
‘I think there must be some kind of mistake,’ I eventually say. ‘I can’t be pregnant. You must have mixed the test results up with someone else’s.’
She glances at her tablet again, double checking, and shakes her head. ‘No, Kate. It wasn’t a mistake, and the tests are very rarely wrong. You are pregnant.’
Sandra pats my arm, and I stare at her for a few seconds. ‘It’s not true,’ I say, quietly, as though the doctor can’t hear me.
‘It is, hen. I take it you had no idea?’
‘No! Honestly, there’s been some kind of an error. I can’t have children. I have an inhospitable womb, for God’s sake!’
They both look slightly taken aback at my outburst, and the doctor replies: ‘That’s not a term anybody uses any more, and in any case, it’s not relevant to you. If you’re unsure, we can retake the test, or you can buy one yourself from the pharmacy – but the result isn’t going to change. I can see this has come as a shock, so I’ll leave you with Sandra to discuss your options. Take care of yourself, Kate.’
She exits through the curtains, and I close my eyes and try to ignore the pounding in my head. This can’t be happening. This can’t be real. Maybe I’m hallucinating, some kind of weird side effect from my fall.
I must have said some of this out loud, because Sandra asserts, firmly but kindly: ‘It is real, sweetheart. I don’t know what’s gone on with you before, but you are expecting. It’s all a bit much, isn’t it?’
She gently wipes away tears from my cheeks. I didn’t even know I was crying.
It is all a bit much, yes. It’s complicated and it’s messy and my mind feels like it’s going to explode trying to handle it all. The word ‘shock’ would be an understatement – it’s more of a shifting of the tectonic plates of my entire life.
But underneath the complications and the mess and the sheer enormity of it all, one joyous fact soars to the surface. I am pregnant. I am going to be a mother. Whatever happened between me and Brody, no matter how broken my heart is, he has given me this final gift, however unintentionally.
The joy is there, a bright beacon of pure delight, but it soon gets smothered by an avalanche of anxiety. My hands go to my stomach, and I can’t believe there is a tiny person in there. A tiny person entirely dependent on me, a woman who doesn’t have the best track record of even looking after herself.
‘It’s okay isn’t it?’ I ask weakly. ‘I just had a scan… and probably a few drinks…’
I am suddenly filled with horrific images of how I might already have harmed my child, but Sandra calms me back down.
‘A lot of women have a few drinks before they find out, sweetheart, especially when it was unplanned. And as for the scan, we knew before, so we took the precautions we needed to. Your bloods showed you need a bit more iron, and we should get you started on some pre-natal vitamins too. Assuming you wantto go through with the pregnancy, that is. As the doctor said, there are options.’
I stare at her, not understanding. There is no judgement in her tone, and I suddenly realise what she means.
‘Thank you, but I do want to keep it,’ I murmur. ‘This feels like a miracle. The timing though… that couldn’t be worse.’
‘Och,’ she says, waving away my concerns. ‘If everybody waited for the right time to have a baby, the human race would have died out! Now, let’s have a chat, and get your discharge sorted, shall we?’
