I am not my mother.
Rudy changed the group name toWE’RE THE TORNADOES, BITCHES!
Austin: Who added him to the chat again? That’s the fifth time he’s changed the group chat name in the last three months.
Oliver: I think it was Cap. Six months after he joined the team, he was whining like a little bitch when he found out there was a chat he wasn’t in. You know Cap, he can’t take it when little kids cry.
Rudy: You all should have known better. You know I have severe FOMO. And don’t get me started on why you thought to keep this chat from me, when we all know I’m the entertainer.
Austin: You also have a fear of sleeping in the dark on planes.
Oliver: Things that move with no legs.
Me: Don’t forget clowns.
Hayes: Leave the kid alone.
Rudy: Thank you, oh Captain, my Captain.
Oliver: Now look at what you’ve gone and done. You made Dad mad.
Hayes: I’m the same age as you, dickhead.
Oliver: You give parent vibes. I give cool uncle vibes. Roman said so. Last week he said I was number six on his favorite people list.
Me: As Roman’s godfather, I can confirm that he has confided in me that you give off Dad vibes, Cap.
Austin: Hey, Dad, who’s your favorite?
Rudy: At least he’s a good-looking Dad.
Hayes: Rudy is my favorite.
Rudy: Ha! Suck it.
Austin: Well, of course he’d say that. The youngest ALWAYS needs the most love and attention.
Rudy: You’re just jealous because the captain likes me more, and you’ll never be a DILF to the ladies.
Hayes: What have I said about saying that? Besides, I don’t have kids. Unless you count the children in this chat.
Austin: He’s right, Pops. The women love you and dream of you becoming their DILF.
Hayes: You. You are my least favorite.
Me: You may as well make it official now.
Hayes: Rudy, Chase, Oliver, and then Austin. Are you all happy now?
Oliver: Second to last! That’s cold, Cap. I’ll remember that when I’m choosing the karaoke song for you tonight at Hendrick’s Bar.
Austin: My flight’s landing at 8 p.m. I’ll head straight over.
Hayes: I’ll be designated driver for the night.
Rudy: I’ll take you up on that offer.
Me: See you soon, boys.
