She knew getting to know Xander would be like putting a massive jigsaw puzzle together. It would take time and patience. One piece at a time. He was an intriguing and complicated man with so many layers. But she didn’t mind.
“Will you tell me about your sister?”
He stiffened slightly, but when she squeezed his hand, he relaxed. “Alyssa was two years younger than me. We were very close. I’m pretty sure we were half siblings.” He looked down at their entwined fingers, studying them. “She had pretty blonde hair and looked like an angel. I was the dark one.” He sighed. “Neither of us knew our father, and our mom wasn’t exactly what you’d callpresent. So it was up to me to take care of Alyssa. Make sure she ate, brushed her teeth, went to bed on time. All that kinda stuff.”
“Where was your mom?” Even though she’d lost her mom, it had been as an adult. She’d been lucky enough to have her loving presence throughout her entire young life.
“She never came out and said it, but it didn’t take long to figure out she made her money through prostitution. She’d leave for days at a time, and it would just be me and Lyss. Then one day she never came back. Eventually, the neighbor across the hall figured out we were two kids living alone.”
“Dios mío,Xander. How long were you alone before she realized that?”
“Almost three weeks from the moment Darla Hawkings left for the last time and DCFS arrived on our doorstep.”
“Hawkings,” she echoed.
“The moment I turned eighteen, I changed my last name. I needed to sever that last connection to a woman who never wanted me.”
Tears pricked her eyes, but she held them back, forcing herself to be strong for his sake. “What does DCFS stand for?” There was no such acronym used in Mexico.
“Department of Child and Family Services.”
He moved his fingers through hers. In and out. Lightly caressing, stroking. His jaw tightened, and she hated the pain that flashed across his face. She wished more than anything she could take it away.
“They split us up, sent us to different foster homes. But we always stayed close.”
“Is that her? In the picture with you?” She nodded to the framed photo on his dresser.
“Yeah. That was after her graduation. She went into social services. Always wanting to save the world.” A sad smile curved his lips, then disappeared fast. “While I was always trying to burn it down.”
“You joined the CIA. That’s noble.”
“You don’t know much about how the CIA works, do you?” he asked, voice so dry it made her frown. She shook her head. “I did a lot of questionable things, hunted down a lot of supposedly bad people. It was all fucking smoke and mirrors. Good and bad. Right and wrong. It all got so warped and twisted.”
“And your job was to stop the Mexican drug cartels?”
“I wouldn’t say stop. More like transfer power to the lesser evil—from the Lazaro Cartel to the Villarreals. Fernando Lazaro and your brother refused to concede to US interests, while the Villarreals were more… accommodating. My job was to help bring Lazaro down.” A pained look flashed across his face. “They couldn’t stop me from fucking them every single chance I got. So they got their revenge in a different way—through Alyssa.”
His fingers stopped moving through hers and his chin dropped. Anguish vibrated off him in waves, and she felt his pain like a physical blow to her chest.
Or maybe that’s my heart breaking. Breaking for the little boy who had to raise his sister until they were torn apart. The boy who then grew into a man who couldn’t save her.
Hot tears flooded her eyes. She hated seeing him so desolate, so broken by what had happened. Most of all, she hated feeling so helpless.
“I know there’s nothing I can say to ease your sorrow.” She spoke as softly and gently as possible, wishing she couldtake away some of his burden. “Losing someone you love is the hardest thing. Losing them to violence is even more heartbreaking. But, please, don’t blame yourself.”
“It’s my fault.”
“It’s Lazaro’s fault. It’s my brother’s fault.It’s not your fault,” she gritted out.
“But it was my job to protect her. I was her big brother.” His voice broke and her heart shredded.
Essie gathered him in her arms, pressed his face to her chest like he’d done for her on the beach on Isla Esperanza, and slowly rocked back and forth. “You loved your sister and you did your best to protect her. That’s all anyone could’ve done, my sweet man. Please, don’t punish yourself any longer. She wouldn’t want that. And I don’t want it, either.”
She lost track of how long they held onto each other. When he eventually pulled back, she brushed a hand through his hair and looked into his tear-bright eyes.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“For what?”
