He shakes his head. “Never am.”
“But you’re sure you want to—”
“Yes, I’m sure,” he says, pinning me with a look. “I’m doing this, Oakley. I need to know.”
“All right,” I mutter, my throat tight as I help him sort through some of the options. “What about this guy? He’s not too far away, and he’s a top. Online, too.”
Lawson hems. “I dunno. I don’t get the best vibe from him.”
I look over the guy’s info again, trying to figure out what’s throwing Lawson off. I guess he does sound like a bit of a douche, handsome or not. “Okay, what about this one?” I ask instead. “He seems polite.”
Lawson nods slowly. “That could work.”
“Yeah? Want to try messaging him?”
“What do I say?”
“That you’re looking for someone to fuck you tonight and is he interested?”
“That direct?” Lawson asks, the sweet summer child.
“Yes, that direct.”
Chest rising once before falling, Lawson starts a message. My own chest constricts painfully as I watch him assemble words, my gut rolling in a way I try my best to ignore. It’s just sex. Just Lawson having sex with a man so he can understand himself better. It doesn’t have to be me. He asked me first, but it can be any guy.
Itshouldbe any other guy.
Fuck.Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Okay,” he says, firing off the invite. The man is online, and chat bubbles pop up immediately.
I can’t fucking breathe.
I stand up, walking into the kitchen with my empty water glass, just to give myself something to do. Lawson makes a thoughtful sound, and then he’s typing again.
Bad idea. It would be a bad, bad idea.
“He’s free,” Lawson says, sounding relieved.
“’Kay.”
“I’m going to meet him at his place.”
Breathe, goddamn it. “Text me the address? Just in case.”
“Sure.”
My phone pings, but I don’t check it.
Lawson stands, heading toward the front door. My ears start to ring as he says, “Okay, well… I guess I’ll let you know how it goes?”
I nod numbly.
Would it be the worst thing? To fuck him just once? Surely I can remain detached. Surely. And even if not…
Lawson reaches for his boots, and my breath stutters.
Fuck, I can’t…
