To have that box unearthed in front of me, lid cracked open and possibilities spilling out…
What was it J. M. Barrie said through the voice of Peter Pan?“You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.”
I could have Lawson, it would seem.
If I’m willing to sacrifice my heart.
My jeans dry as I return Clover to the stables, the horse and I having found a nice groove together. He nips at my pockets as I brush his coat, which makes me wonder who’s in the habit of feeding him treats. Seeing no need to deny the horse, I graba date from the tack room before I go. Clover is more than happy to accept the small, dried fruit.
As I’m turning around, I spot Lawson standing at the door to the barn. He doesn’t say anything with others nearby, simply waits for me to meet him, the two of us walking back across the land toward the ranch house where I’m parked.
“You’ve been quiet,” he accuses.
I puff out a breath. “Had a lot to think about.”
“Because of me,” he says matter-of-factly.
I don’t bother denying it. “You threw me for a loop, Law.”
He’s quiet for a moment, eyes ahead as we walk. My gaze drifts over him, from the broadness of his body and the seriousness of his brow to his naturally pouty lips. I curse the direction my mind wanders down. Wondering how those lips might feel against me. Picturing the man naked—a sight I’ve seen before—but the image of him falling apart at my fingertips brand new and searing enough to have my mouth running dry.
This was never a problem. Not before.
“Your answer is still no?” he asks, voice even.
My throat clicks when I swallow. “It is.”
“All right.”
Fuck.
I want to go back to a week and a half ago when bedding Lawson wasn’t an option. I want to shake him and ask why this is so fucking easy for him to even contemplate. But I know it’s not. He’s thought about this long and hard. The man is dealing with a complete upheaval of his identity. That’s not an easy thing, and Iknowhe’s been struggling with it.
But why did he have to uproot the earth at my feet, too? I was fine. I wasfinebeing Lawson’s friend. I neverneeded more.
Except now the fucking box is open. And I fear wishing it buried again isn’t an option.
I come to a slow halt, my hand on Lawson’s arm stopping him as well. “Why do you want it to be me, Law? I don’t think you’re even attracted to me, are you?”
It’s never seemed like it, at least, not even in my living room when Lawson was asking me to fuck him.
Something flits over his expression. Frustration, almost. Resignation. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“I… I don’t think it works like that for me.”
My gears turn swiftly. “Were you attracted to Laura?”
He winces, the tiniest flicker at the corner of his mouth. “I don’t think so.”
Aw, fuck.
I work on pulling in a breath, and Lawson goes on.
“I thought I was, but… I think it was affection at most. I didn’t realize there was a difference until one of our counseling sessions. We were supposed to think about the last time we’d looked at one another and felt lust, and I just… I never had. It didn’t even occur to me the way I thought about her was unusual until that moment.”
“Because you two still had sex. You were intimate.”
