“When we were, like, fifteen. To porn. We certainly didn’t touch. We barely even looked at each other.”
“But it didn’t get awkward, did it?”
Oakley huffs a big breath, shaking his head as he examines me. “Where the fuck is this coming from? How long have you been thinking about this?”
“A while,” I admit as he sits down across from me. “Since before the split.”
He waves his hand in ago ongesture.
I finish my whiskey, setting the glass down beside Oakley’s. “Laura and I weren’t all that sexually compatible. It’s not something I realized at first, not until long after Wendy was born when things started to fizzle. I…was having trouble staying engaged in those activities.”
“You never said anything.”
“Yeah, well, who wants to admit they have no interest in their spouse? I felt terrible. Like maybe something in me was broken.”
Oakley’s expression softens. “Law. You’re not broken.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do, actually. If you’re wanting sex but are lacking the physical response, there are things you can do to help with that. If you’re just not interested in it, that’s another matter entirely. Neither makes you broken.”
I ease out a breath, looking over at the wall where three portraits of cows sit above a cupboard filled with games. The pictures were added after Oakley left, chosen by his mom. Each of the cows is wearing a flower crown. One is even white, like Bell.
“We tried different things,” I tell Oakley. “To spice up our sex life. Most of it didn’t make a difference. Lingerie and toys. Porn, even. The only thing that I got remotely excited about was…”
His voice is gentle. “What?”
“When Laura would peg me.”
I finally bring my gaze back to Oakley. He’s doing his best not to react, but I can see his surprise. I know how he feels, not having expected I would like it as much as I do.
“So now you want to be fucked by a guy,” he fills in. “Why not a woman?”
I shrug, even though it’s a question I’ve been mulling over since Laura and I called it quits. “Because I’m not sure what I am,” I finally admit. “And I needa find out.”
Oakley falls back against his chair, puffing out a breath. “Jesus Christ, Law. I don’t think anyone in the history of ever would be as nonchalant about this as you.”
“I’ve had a lot of time to set my mind on it.”
“And now there’s no changing course, is there?” He shakes his head a little. “You realize I can’t be the one to fuck you, right?”
“Why not?Do you see me as a brother?”
He huffs what might be a laugh. “No. I see you as a friend.”
“Sometimes friends fuck.”
His eyebrow lifts. “And sometimes it ends badly.”
“It won’t end badly,” I say, sure of it.
“Lawson Darling. Did you bring me back here to settle your sexuality crisis?”
I refrain from rolling my eyes. “No. I brought you back because you’re my closest friend, and you being gone made no damn sense. Do we needa go over this again?”
Oakley groans. “Lord grant me strength.”
“Maybe it won’t be what I think,” I say seriously, my chest tight. “Maybe I won’t like it with a man. But I won’t regret trying. I know there are guys out there who’d be happy to be my first experience. But I’d feel safer, Oakley, if it’s you.”
