“You’ve got so many people in your corner, Law. Why’ve you been shutting them out?”
“Because none of them could’ve helped me anyway.”
I huff. “Why the hell not?”
“They weren’t you,” he says forcefully, the words practically spat out. “None of them were you.”
“Jesus, Lawson. Sometimes I just wanna strangle you.”
He looks indignant, his face scrunched up in a way that almost has me laughing. Almost. “Why?”
“I was a phone call away!” I tell him. “Always. And you neversaidanything. Only ever, ‘I’m fine.’ You weren’t fine. And maybe I should’ve pushed harder, but I didn’t know it was so fucking bad.Goddamnit, Law. Why didn’t you ask me for help?”
“Because you were gone. You weren’t here. And I didn’t know how to ask for something I shouldn’t need in the first place.”
“A friend?” I question.
“A lifeline.”
My heart thumps painfully in the silence that follows those tersely spoken words.
Lawson drops his face into his hands, scrubbing harshly before he turns to me. “I had a lot to figure out after the separation, all right? Things about myself. About what I wanted. It wasn’t anything my family could’ve helped me with. I needed time. And I needed…”
He doesn’t sayyou, but it sits in the air regardless.
I unglue my tongue from the roof of my mouth. “I would have dropped everything and driven back here if I knew you needed it.”
“I didn’t want you to know,” he says, that stubbornness reappearing. “You were dealing with plenty.”
With Stevie.
I blow out a heavy breath, looking at the dairy cows in the field in front of us. Their tails are swooshing, the sun above high in the sky. “Why did you and Laura split, Law?”
I don’t need to see my friend to know he’s chewing his words. He must realize I’m not letting it drop this time because, finally, he says, “I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I’m not sure I ever was.”
I look over at him slowly. At the wrinkle in his brow as he stares ahead. The pain in his eyes, and the set to his squared jaw that tells me he’s trying hard not to overshare his emotions. It’s not something he’s ever been particularly good at. And I realize if I’d been here, I would have known something was wrong. I would have seen it on his face, as I can see it now.
Nineteen years, he was married to Laura. He was with her for twenty-two.
“God, Law. I’m sorry.”
He meets my gaze. “What for? You didn’t know. I didn’t even know.”
I shake my head. “Not that. I’m sorry for not realizing how badly you’ve been hurting.”
He swallows hard. “It’s getting better.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah.”
I nod, the breeze ruffling my hair and making a wind chime nearby sing a few notes. “All those things you were trying to figure out. Did you?”
He lets loose a breath. “Working on it.”
I hold out my hand, and, after a moment, Lawson accepts it. He doesn’t seem to mind the dirt on my palm. “I’m here now,” I tell him hoarsely. “I’m here. So whatever you need from me, I’ll give it, all right?”
He nods, not saying a word. The chime sings again, sounding like the tinkling of bells.
