Her brows meet her hairline, an expression of pure shock covers her face. “What the fuck are you on? Have you been smoking something? A few days ago you wanted Toni as your old lady.” She shakes her head vigorously. “This is fucked up, Freak. Even for you.”
She’s right to call me out on something I don’t understand myself. “I know I should have an explanation for you, but I don’t know how to put it into words. Toni was convenient, you know?” Again she shakes her head to show that she doesn’t. “She was attractive, available, seemed to have reciprocal feelings for me, and was Ace’s aunt. I think it was the thought of finally being able to give him the family he’d always missed out on that persuaded me to make more of it, than it really was.”
“That’s not enough.” She purses her lips. “At first you were so damn suspicious of her, you wouldn’t let her anywhere near Ace. What changed, Freak?”
“Pippa confirmed all the facts to me. She proved Toni was who she was and that she didn’t…”
Again that quizzical brow rises. “She didn’t, what?”
“Damn it, Trixie. You want to know fuckin’ everything?” I rake my hands through my hair.
“Seems only right if I’m going to be your ‘ol’ lady’.” She mockingly puts the words in air quotes. “Unless you’re going to tell me it’s club business.” After a loud sniff, she raises her nose into the air.
I just stare at her while the wheels turn in my head. This is the point where I need to decide what a relationship with Trixiewould look like – a partner to talk to, or just a body to warm my bed. “Fuck it,” I snarl, and half turn away.
I hear her snort of derision. Before I blow any chance I could have, the words flood out of me. “Josie was bipolar, okay? She was off her meds. I got home from a deployment to find her about to drown Ace in a scalding hot bath. We fought over the baby, and I pushed her away. I put my full force behind it, and she hit her head. She fuckin’ died, Trix. I killed Ace’s mom. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Freak.” Her word is pure horror, but there’s sympathy in her expression. As if the two emotions are warring with each other.
“It was called accidental death because Josie’s mom witnessed the altercation and wanted Ace to have at least one parent he could depend on.” Taking a shuddering breath, I voice a conclusion that’s only recently come into my head. “I think I fell for Toni as recompense for taking Ace’s mom from him. His aunt seemed like she was a good woman – or that’s what she let me see. She’d have been a good substitute mother, even looked like his real one. I didn’t admit it at the time, but there was a part of me that hoped we could make it work because Ace deserved it – he suggested we get together, did you know that?” I don’t wait for her to answer. “She was nice, good to Ace, and I thought she liked me. A good basis for a relationship, huh?”
“Sounds fucking perfect,” she mocks. “You replace his mom with his aunt out of guilt. Come on, Freak. You fell head over heels for her.”
“Did I?” I challenge. “Or was it just the idea I was falling in love with? That I could undo the damage I’d done, with someone who even looked like her, but had none of her personality traits, and no mental illness.”
“I’ve been watching you for years Freak, and you’ve never dove into anything without giving it thought. You’re overly cautious. Yet you want me to believe that your relationship withToni was about making amends with your son? I take it Ace doesn’t know the truth, about Josie, I mean?”
“Yes. I just told him. But he thinks an accident killed his mom. It wouldn’t help him to know it was down to me.”
There’s a slight softening of her features. “You’re right. You’re his fuckin’ hero. He doesn’t need to know the truth. Even if, as I suspect, the part you played wasn’t as great at you think,” she responds. “Did he inherit his autism from his mom?”
Full disclosure. “Yes.” I swipe back my hair. “Genetics suggest so.”
Her face twists. “You can protest all you like about Toni just being convenient, but I saw your tongue hanging out when she was around. You were like a dog following a bone, or maybe a pup, trailing after it’s master. You weren’t the same Freak that I know when you were around her.” She turns her head away.
“You know the real me, Trixie. And perhaps that’s where it all went wrong. I was a different person around Toni, I couldn’t have the dream if I was myself. I know I fuckin’ ran after her, begging for the bone you just mentioned. I’d fooled myself it was what I wanted, but I was wrong.” She’s not looking at me. I hope she’s still listening. “How do I know what I felt for her wasn’t real? It’s fuckin’ obvious. I didn’t fight for her, Trix. When I knew what she’d done, all the explanations she’d offered meant nothing. I didn’t search for any excuse for her behaviour. I didn’t give her a fuckin’ chance. A man truly in love might have tried to understand, despite her enormous crime. But I took that exit door as soon as it cracked open.
“And at the same time the stupid attraction for her was smashed into smithereens, my eyes had been opened by someone brave, someone so fuckin’ selfless, who already loved my son and not as some type of possession.” I repeat what I’d told her a few minutes ago, hoping she’ll take it in. “Five years back I suspected we could become close, but like the idiotI am, I locked down those feelings. Recent events might have been the key to let them out, but Trix, deep down I know, they were always there.” Breaking off, I huff. “When I was hard on you, when I didn’t listen to what you had to say, I was fuckin’ protecting myself. I took shit out on you because I was angry at myself. Because I wanted you and couldn’t have you.”
She’s quiet. Hopefully she’s considering my words. I can only hope I’ve said enough to persuade her to give me a chance and not turn me down.
“Okay,” she starts slowly when I’ve almost given up on getting a response. “Say that I accept Toni wasn’t the real love of your life, but how can I believe that I am? I’m a club girl. That’s why you didn’t want me then, and the same reason is true now.”
I raise a brow toward her. “Can you see yourself with a man who’s had a different woman in his bed every night?” Staring at her, I wait for the penny to drop, for her to understand the point I’m making. Rubbing it home, I offer gently, “There’s not so much difference between you and me. Except, I had a choice, and you did not.”
“Is this a temporary thing, Freak? Like, we’d get together, have some exclusive fun, until the next woman came along?”
I’m not offended, my rapid switch from Toni to her probably does make me look shallow. “You’ve known me for five years, Trix. In all that time, up to now, I’ve never pretended to have a relationship, did everything I could to prevent it. When I commit, I’m all in. And that’s what I want with you now. I don’t want anything casual, I don’t want a time limit. I want you as my ol’ lady, my ride or die.”
Her brow creases. And there’s a tactile signal that she’s coming around, as her fingers squeeze mine. “Even if you mean it, the brothers would never agree. I’mclub property,Freak. There can never be any you or me. The club wouldn’t agree to it.”
“I’m going to bring it up tomorrow. I’ll get Bullseye to call a special meeting.”
She stares at me, her eyes wide open. “Freak, you can’t be serious.”
“And if I am, what would your answer be?”
Her mouth works but no words come out. She breathes in deeply. Her agitation shows in the way she shifts her position. I just wait her out patiently. Finally, she speaks in a whisper, “Freak, I can’t cope with you hurting me again. If you’re being honest, my answer would be a thousand times yes. But even if it’s the truth you’re giving me…”
