Sincerely,
Doug Doyle, Esq.
So much for that fantasy. A little bit of foreplay from the messenger and then a total letdown once I saw the real thing. Half-heartedly, I looked at a page titledValuation.
“It’s worth nothing, zero dollars,” I said mournfully. It was a confirmed teardown.
“Oh, man, too bad,” Lance said. “Hey, there’s leftover donuts in the break room at least.”
“Thanks,” I said and took another swig from my bottle. “But I’ll pass.”
Lance said, “You sure? If you pop ’em in the microwave for ten seconds, they almost taste fresh.”
I needed a moment to mourn the death of my short-lived dream. It would have been nice. Drinking wine in a small town, joining a knitting circle, frolicking in the freshly fallen snow, dating a brown-haired local business owner. For one wild second, I had it all.
I picked up a tiny rake and dragged it across the tray of sand I kept on my desk. I might not have control over the rest of my life, but it was nice to make a few lines in my Zen garden. You could really rake forever and ever and ever.
“You really don’t want a donut?”
“Not right now, Lance. I’m raking.”
Vlad:Are you sure about MasterClass? I took one on relationships recently and learned more than I did in the last five hundred years.
I stared at the text as I walked home from work. This guy wouldn’t let up. Royalty, you know. Vlad is a prince in the Parliament of the Undead. (I mean the ruling body of North American vampires, not the edgy bluegrass band of the same name. We’ve all made that mistake, none worse than when a bunch of vampires descended on an outdoor concert in Livingston, Montana. I got Vlad a band T-shirt for his death day a few years ago.)
Don’t ask me what the prince of darkness actually does. Coven politics is worse than Congress, but the man looks like Henry Cavill during his Superman days. He looks just as good in a white T-shirt as he does in a bespoke suit. (If you’re wondering, I look like Rachel Weisz circaThe Mummy.Well, I have brown hair anyway.)
Personality-wise, he’s a little too much, the kind of guy that will order for you at a restaurant. One virgin for her, two for me—that’s Vlad.
The idea of Vlad taking a class about relationships intrigued me, but before I could hide my true feelings behind a sick burn, he texted again.
Vlad:Did you get a census?
The too-fancy envelope addressed toCurrent resident. I should have known.
With trepidation I reached into my bag and ripped open the envelope to find an official document from the Parliament of the Undead. It was a census form with an attached questionnaire:
1) What is your birth name?
2) What is your current alias?
3) To whom have you bestowed the Dark Gift and where do they currently live?
4) Who were your sexual partners in the last year?
