It wasn’t too late. The rightness of this move filled me with spirit. “Don’t worry about being too old. You can’t change it, and there’s a chance you might be wise. Maybe not, but you are probably wiser than you were a while ago.”
Tampa420Babeyy commented, “who are you? lol”
But GiaLovesCats said, “I needed to hear that. Thanks Tiffany.”
That thank-you warmed my cold, dead heart. My job here was done.
The sun was coming up, and it was time to settle down for the day. Carefully, I put up the six-piece car window shades that Vlad had sent with the car, settled into the driver’s seat, and reclined it until it bumped up against Heaven’s coffin. Just to be safe, I pulled the cord on my hoodie until my face disappeared and tucked my hands into my sleeves. After three centuries, I could vampire on the cheap with the best of them.
“Night, Cat,” I said. She meowed in response, and I adjusted the rearview mirror to check on her.
“Really, Cat?” She was using her litter box, kicking up a flurry of litter with reckless abandon. I would have to scoop it tomorrow when the sun went down. Maybe I’d record it and say something cute like, “Road trips—less glamorous than you might think.”
This online life coaching could become addictive.
At a gas station in Pennsylvania, one of the big glossy ones with floodlights that played top forty hits from twenty years ago, I sat in the driver’s seat waiting for the tank to fill. No one else was there, not even a clerk—just me and Heaven under the glaring lights. They were probably supposed to make you feel safe, but they somehow made everything outside of the circle of light harder to see. Anything could be lurking in the shadows, maybe something worse than me.
I pulled out my phone and typedwho is Heaveninto Google. The first result: “Heaven is a real place where the people of God”—oh no.
I tried again:who is Heaven Cole TikTok life coach.
Heaven Cole (born 1999) is a popular online life coach. As of 2024, she has acquired more than one million followers. Heaven originally posted size-inclusive fashion content and affirmations, describing herself as “Thicc and twisted, crystals, healing.” After a brush with death that she accidentally livestreamed, she changed her focus to the joy of living. Heaven now coaches her audience on how to manifest their best life using crystals and positivity to clear the way to abundance.
Heaven’s first brush with death was recorded in one of her pinned videos on TikTok. I clicked on it, unable to tear myself away from thescreen. The opening image was Heaven on a beach.
“It’s Thursday, and I’m taking all of y’all on a walk. I’m trying out this new selfie stick, which is attached to my belt.” She mugged for the camera, framing her face with her hands. “It’s like having my own cameraman.”
Heaven proceeded to serve looks (in a leopard-print bikini top) while promenading down the beach until someone (off camera) asked her about surfing. “No, I’m not about to kill myself,” she began, before changing her tune. You could see the gears turning in her head as she realized this was an opportunity for more content. “Actually, why not?”
The gas station music switched to Aerosmith. Stephen Tyler blared loudly into the emptiness while I watched in fascination and horror as Heaven paddled out to sea and managed to stand up on her board.
“I got this,” she said directly to the camera. “Check me out—” Then the view went sideways. Suddenly, the video was in and out of the surf; I could hear her cries for help and catch occasional glimpses of her gasping for air. The rest of the footage was of her being rescued by a hot surfer—it was Gemma. Of course. That was how they met. Onshore, Gemma performed CPR, and then the camera finally stopped filming.
According to Wikipedia, it was one of the most-viewed videos on TikTok in 2023 and had spawned thousands of “I got this” spoof videos that further propelled Heaven to viral-video stardom.
It looked like she’d become a life coach the day after dying. Her trade with me hadn’t been just about the parking spot. I was her daily encounter with a fate she had avoided.
How would she react to dying again? “Been there, done that” was probably too much to hope for.
I pulled onto the highway with my twice-dead companion. I glanced at the coffin in the rearview mirror. Completely silent. Vlad had said it would be twenty-four hours until Heaven woke up,ifshe woke up. It had been a week of driving already, sometimes in the wrong direction, without a single peep. Hopefully, it was just taking her longer. Everyone develops at a different rate. I remember getting my first period when myneighbor already had two babies.
The 1700s: It could have been better.
Why was I so worried about Heaven? Vampires were supposed to kill people without remorse. Meanwhile, here I was, still upset about my friend whose bones had turned to dust long ago. When a vision of Heaven in her coffin, regular dead instead of undead, flashed across my mind, I knocked on the shiny wooden dashboard. What some call superstition is nothing but common sense. That’s something Heaven and I could agree on.
At least I was almost to Vermont. If everything went to plan, I was starting my final night of driving. I’d never been so ready to reach my destination. Illinois, Indiana, Ohio—no hate, but the Rust Belt wasn’t my scene. I’d already lived through the Middle Ages, I didn’t need to spend time in Indiana.
“Next trip, you’re driving!” I shouted into the back. Please let there be a next time.
I had reached my limit for talking to a cat and a silent coffin. I turned down Beyoncé, who I’d been blasting at top volume, girl-powering my way through Amish country, and FaceTimed Vlad.
“Ah, Tiffenie!” he said, picking up immediately like he’d been waiting for me to call. With a contented sigh, he said, “How’s the drive?”
“It’s all right.”
“Are you sure you won’t tell me where you’re moving? I could drop by and see how things are going with your progeny.”
Here we go again. “Vlad, you know I can’t tell you.”
