I pushed my way to the front of the group. The house lights glinted off the reflective numbers on the crane. “May I speak?”
“Ugh…” The Quaker Oats man looked confused. “I guess, but this isn’t a hearing. I don’t have the power to un-condemn your house.”
“Fine.” If it was a eulogy, then so be it.
I looked out at the small gathering of cold people who wanted to get this over with and hurry home to Hamburger Helper and lukewarm marriages. Fuck that. I took a steadying breath for good measure and cleared my mind.
“Good people of Valentine,” I said, “I inherited this home a couple of months ago. When I arrived, I found it cold, empty, and filled with bats. Today, I can say it is the warmest home I have known since I was achild. Heaven, Vlad, and I fixed everything using money we raised from strangers on the internet who love Heaven’s life advice, as well as mine, it seems.”
I cleared my throat. “At any rate, they hope to visit someday. Tyrone, across the road, gave us those screws that Wayne doesn’t like. Bob, Jessica’s brother, fixed our wiring and rode out his first holiday post-divorce with us. The bats moved into the barn because they didn’t like holiday music. We got rid of the fire damage. I don’t fully understand how she did it, but Heaven filled the home with positive energy and sunlight. The pink salt lamp looks like a sunrise. Tyrone killed a coyote to satisfy the illegal canid order. What else do you want from us? We did pretty well given the time we had. All in all, you have to admit this house looks great. And even if it doesn’t, it’s my home.”
Heaven looked down at her feet.
“I am proud of everything we did here. I’m proud of myself and I’m proud of you, Heaven. Maybe Valentine is going to take this home and destroy it right in front of us, but this house represents more than that.”
“Um, lady.” The Quaker Oats guy tried to interrupt me. “This isn’t really a speech occasion.”
“Don’t interrupt. I’m talking.”
Vlad shot daggers at Quaker Oats. “Keep going, darling. It’s beautiful.”
“When I came here, I was running short on belief. I was lonely. Now, thanks to Valentine, Heaven, and Vlad, I believe in something. I know that every day is your birthday, money comes to me, and good dick ain’t worth nothin’. But mostly, I know that I have power. Fuck your regulations. I am radiant!”
Heaven smiled. Everyone else looked confused.
“You can plow this house down, but I’ll still be standing, and so will my family.”
“Um…” the Quaker Oats guy said. “Lady, I’m sorry about your house, but it’s not my call. I’m just doing my job.”
I gave him a nod.
“If everyone is done talking, I’d like to open up the bidding.”
Jessica cleared her throat. “Hearing you talk gave me an idea, Tiffany. I have something to say too, an announcement to make.”
“What now?” Quaker Oats looked at his watch. “It’s not an actual funeral.”
Jessica walked to the front of the group and tightened her ponytail like she meant business. “I’m head of the Valentine Planning Committee and in charge of the annual award of the Valentine Christmas Miracle Fund. I wasn’t intending to announce the recipient until Valentine’s Day, but due to circumstances, I’d like to make the award early.”
My jaw dropped. She couldn’t be…
“Tiffany, you have been an asset to this community. You’ve only been here for a month, but you’ve volunteered for the elderly. You hosted a Christmas celebration for all of us with nowhere else to go. Valentine is not ready to lose you as a citizen. And we certainly shouldn’t be knocking your house down because a bunch of stuffy old guys won’t accept a video as evidence of your hard work. I’m delighted to get to know your family. I think you all are the new face of Valentine.” With a glance at Vlad and Heaven, she continued. “I don’t fully understand what’s going on here, but I like it, and Valentine needs you. As a community, we’re thirsty for more gathering spots, or third places, as Dr. Rosetti called them. Whatever you decide to call this business—a bed-and-breakfast, a salon, a coffee shop, or a cult—I’m going to be your first customer.”
With a flourish she added, “No one has deserved this award more since we gave Tyrone some money a few years ago to start his Christmas fair. You three are the future.”
Oh, the irony.
“At any rate, it is my honor to present you with the Christmas Miracle Fund. It’s pretty large this year after that bachelor auction. Tyrone brought ina lotof money, not to mention the baked goods sale.”
At that, Vlad smiled with true satisfaction. He had managed to give me the money after all.
My heart broke with every word Jessica spoke. I had found a place, no, I hadmadea place for myself. But I couldn’t take the money. I could, but I couldn’t buy a house with it. “Vlad,” I said quietly, “Wayne knows I’m not really Tiffany, and maybe some of the others. I don’t know if I can use that identity to buy a house, but I also can’t own property as Tiffenie Ruba.”
Vlad saw my face fall and my undead heart breaking to pieces. To get so close to my goal was almost worse than missing by a long shot.
He took me and Heaven aside for a vampires-only huddle. “No one knows that Heaven is undead.” He looked at Heaven. “Right?”
As what he was saying dawned on me, rays of sunlight shot through the clouds and into my soul like a corny picture with a Bible quote. All the pyrite and sunlight that Heaven never shut up about must have worked. That three-thousand-dollar salt lamp was worth every penny.
