“I’m going back to Utah when it stops snowing.”
“Vlad, are you okay?” I asked. “You’ve been very concerned about me, but what’s going on with you?”
He looked off into the distance like the horizon was calling to him. “I need to get out of here.”
He clearly meant get as far away from me as possible.
We ended up doing what all depressed people do on Christmas: We went to the bar. The tavern was in full Christmas regalia. Gary was still dressed as Mariah, the Christmas tree was lit, and the fireplace was crackling. I texted Jessica to come join us.
“Why so glum?” Mariah asked Vlad as she slid a neat whiskey across the bar. Heaven and I sat on either side of him, holding our hot toddies.
“I don’t celebrate,” he said. “I’m…not Christian.”
That was a mild way of putting it.
“Ah, hell,” he said in a fuck-it tone. “We’re vampires. Obviously, we can’t celebrate Christian holidays, even if they’re mostly commercial at this point.”
Mariah looked at me and mouthed “Is he okay?” in a very exaggerated way.
“It was a very disappointing…day for him,” I said.
“Extremely disappointing,” Vlad agreed.
Mariah rocked back on her heels and crossed her arms. “Honey, Christmas is always a disaster. What happened? Did you overcook the goose?”
“I’ve never overcooked anything in my life,” Vlad said.Easy to do ifyou’ve never cooked anything, I communicated to Heaven with my eyes.
“In-law troubles?”
Vlad stared into his liquor. “It’s like no one hears me.”
Heaven and I gently patted Vlad on the shoulders.
Jessica plopped down on the empty stool next to me and turned to face us. “My mother gave me a scale. To weigh myself. It was all wrapped up with a bow.”
Mariah shook her head and produced a plate of fries. “On the house.”
Jessica slid the fries toward herself and covered them in ketchup with reckless abandon. It was almost vampiric. I had to admire it. “She could tell I didn’t like the scale and she was all like, ‘Jessica, don’t be silly. Everyone needs a scale. And yours broke, right?’ ”
“Bitch,” Heaven said.
Tyrone walked up behind us and put a hand on Jessica’s shoulder. “Jessica, I can confirm that your mom is wrong. You’re what they call thicc, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Heaven raised her glass and said, “To the one-hundred-seventy-five-pounds-and-up club.”
Jessica blushed furiously and started fussing with her hair as Tyrone took the seat to her right. “So,” she said, clearly trying to change the subject, “thanks again for helping with the ball, Tiffany. I just didn’t have it in me, and you did such a great job with the decorating.”
“My pleasure.”
“No, we couldn’t have gotten it done without you. You were a miracle.”
Our Christmas group therapy session was attracting a small crowd of malcontent citizens—an impromptu holiday support group. Everyone had a complaint:
“My kids have been sick for a month.”
“I racked up three thousand on the credit card for a bunch of stuff no one needs.”
Bob, the electrician, came out of his corner. “I spent all day plowing just so I didn’t have to be alone in my empty house.”
