“Not everyone is fa-la-la, googly-eyed over Christmas. Some of us don’t own ugly Christmas sweaters and go door to door belting out Christmas carols. Some of us hate fruitcake and holiday pajamas and exchanging gifts.” She looked around. “Did you see a Christmas tree anywhere? Nope. I don’t put one up.”
Landon let out a chuckle. “Wow. You’re like a combination of the Grinch and Scrooge. What happened to you? Did Santa forget your house one year? Did he leave coal in your stocking?”
Sometimes she thought about having kids and realized that they might regard her as the Grinch, just like Landon did. It wouldn’t be fair to bring kids into the world and robthem of all the joy that the holidays brought to most people. She had so much Christmas baggage she could barely see straight. Brainstorming the holiday line with Landon had been an exception to her bah-humbug attitude.
All of a sudden she felt tears stinging her eyes. She wished it were always that simple. Bailey ducked her head down, hoping he wouldn’t see her teary-eyed.
“Hey, what’s going on? I was only teasing you.” When she looked up, Landon’s face was creased with concern. He reached for her, but she turned away from him, shielding herself from his prying eyes. She didn’t want him to see her like this.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.The words thrummed in her head. Suddenly Landon was standing next to her, trying to console her.
“Talk to me, Bailey,” Landon urged. He seemed so confused and worried about her, which was endearing, but it also made her feel vulnerable. It was a feeling she’d spent a lifetime resisting, so it frightened her that Landon had this effect on her. He made her feel off-kilter. Weak in the knees when she should be strong.
Bailey couldn’t keep the tears in any longer. She wasn’t a big crier, but this time of year brought up a lot of emotions she normally stuffed down. She’d been missing her dad something fierce, and it had hit her so hard this holiday season. Now, being pressed by Landon was just too much for her.
“I hate Christmas because that’s when my dad died. Some stupid kid drove drunk and killed him on impact.” Her shoulders heaved, and she began to sob uncontrollably.Every time she tried to stop, Bailey started up again. Suddenly she felt Landon’s strong arms around her, cradling her.
“Shhh,” he said, running his hand down her back in a soothing gesture. “I’m so sorry, Bailey. I didn’t know.”
She pressed her face against Landon’s chest and cried like a newborn. She could feel him stroking her back and smoothing her curls.
“It’s all right,” she blubbered. “How could you have known? My own family doesn’t talk about it, so how could I expect you to know?”
“I had no idea. I’m surprised Hattie didn’t mention that. She’s talked about you and your family quite often.” She could see the look of sympathy on his face and heard the ache in his voice.
He reached out and wiped away tears from her cheeks. “She probably figured that it wasn’t her place to tell you. I’m sure she hoped that I would tell you myself. But like I said, I don’t like to talk about it.”
“I don’t blame you. It’s understandable that Christmas triggers a lot of painful memories. It all makes sense now.”
Christmas was definitely a trigger for her, especially since everyone in her orbit seemed to throw themselves into the festivities with gusto. She was constantly being shamed for not being a fan of Christmas, when in reality she was simply trying to make it through the tough season without breaking down.
She nodded. “He died on Christmas Eve. He did a last-minute run to the store to pick up some eggnog so we could have it in the morning. Eggnog was a big hit in our house, and he knew that we would love waking up to it.” Herbreathing became ragged. “We never saw him again because someone decided to be irresponsible. In one fell swoop our entire family lost its center.”
Landon soothingly stroked her wrist. “And Christmas was never the same again, I imagine.”
“Not for me it wasn’t. I’m not saying there was never joy, but it was always diluted by my dad’s absence. He was so rock solid and present in our lives. My family has spent a lot of time putting on a cheery face at Christmastime, all the while never mentioning my dad. I’ve gone the other way. I want to talk about my dad, and if I could do that with my family, I think it could open me up more to the holiday season.”
“I’m here for you, Bailey. You can talk to me about him anytime you like. I think you just need a safe space to be able to share the things about him that you miss. Who was he? What was his favorite color? What do you miss most about him?”
“His name was Charlie, and I miss everything about him,” she told Landon. “The way he always called me his twin and how we looked so much alike. He used to tell corny dad jokes that were so bad we laughed our butts off.” By this time Landon had sat back down. He was listening to her so intently. “My hair was always super curly, and he would comb it into a cute style every day before school. And you should have seen the school lunches he made for us. Gourmet sandwiches that made the other kids drool.” She began to chuckle at the memory.
“My classmates would always ask to swap lunches, but of course I never did. They always had warm bologna and cheese.” She wrinkled her nose. “I am nobody’s fool.”
“I don’t blame you,” Landon said, letting out a hoot of laughter.
“And he absolutely loved Christmas,” she said. “He would dress up as Santa for this place he used to volunteer at that helped families out. He was the worst present wrapper, but he did it with such gusto.” The memories were pouring out of her now. Her heart was filled to the brim.
Suddenly Bailey felt twenty pounds lighter. Telling Landon about her dad was a liberating feeling. The things she was revealing to him were things she hadn’t spoken about in years. Not even to her family.
“Thanks for sharing him with me,” Landon said. “He sounds absolutely amazing.”
“He deserves to get a little shine,” Bailey said. “Thanks for letting me pour from my well. It feels good.”
“I’m sorry I pushed so hard earlier. You’ve never seemed to have had a problem working on the holiday line and talking about Christmas Eve flavors and how to jazz it up. That has to have been incredibly difficult.”
“That’s work, though, not my personal life. I was given an assignment, and I committed myself to following through. That’s what I do, and I could never let Hattie down, so I compartmentalize. Business is business, and personal feelings are kept in my personal life. I’m not sure why it doesn’t get to me, but it never does.”
“Bailey, there’s so much I admire about you,” he said, reaching out and caressing her cheek. “Your strength and grace. Your humor. And above all else, the way you love your family and honor your dad’s memory.”
