Luke brushed a few strands of her hair away from her face. “You have nothing to feel sorry for. Nick told me how close you and Kara were. I’m just beginning to realize that all these losses piled up for me like dominoes falling on top of each other.” He twisted his mouth. “I haven’t handled them very well.”
“Cut yourself some slack, Luke. It was all bound to take a toll on you,” Stella said. Luke was a strong man, but he wasn’t a machine. He needed to give himself some grace and not be so hard on himself. It sounded like he was just beginning to turn a corner with his mindset. Perhaps this newfound knowledge would take some of the pressure off.
“I can’t, because it’s my fault, Stella. I bear full responsibility,” Luke said, his voice raspy and full of pain. “Because of decisions I made that day, two of my SEAL team members didn’t make it home. And that’s something I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life.”
Chapter Twenty
Stella let out a startled gasp. Just hearing Luke say he blamed himself for Kenny’s and Aaron’s deaths sent a chill straight through her body. She’d sensed that Luke had been holding this guilt inside of him for a long time now. She guessed it was the reason behind him not wanting the hero label and his downplaying the Medal of Honor distinction. He didn’t feel worthy of any of it.
“Luke, that’s not true,” she said. “That’s just the grief talking. You’ve got to get that idea out of your head.”
Luke began clenching and unclenching his hands. He wasn’t even looking at her, staring straight ahead at the wall. “No, Stella. I’m right. I made a mistake that day. As team leader it was my job to make sure the intel was right before we headed into that area. The Afghan man who gave me the information was someone I’d been working with for over a year. I paid him regularly for intel and up until that point he’d always been reliable. But that time the information he gave me didn’t pan out.” He ran a shaky hand over his face. “The moment we entered the building I knew something was off. I gave the order for my men to fall back just before the bomb went off. Things could have been so much worse.” Luke’s breath became ragged, his chest heaving up and down.
“I was flung into the air and I remember fire and agonizing screams. I was in so much pain I must’ve lost consciousness. I don’t remember anything else about the explosion. Sometimes details come back to me, but they’re shadowy and I have no idea if they’re real or not. I still have nightmares about it.”
“Oh, Luke.” Stella acutely felt his pain. She wished that she could absorb some of it for him so he didn’t have to hurt so much. “You must have been gutted when you woke up in the hospital.”
“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from Brando. He was the one who broke the news to me. Thankfully, he hadn’t suffered any major injuries in the blast. Just some scrapes and bruises.” He gritted his teeth. “It was like one of those nightmares where you can’t wake up and you’re frozen. All I knew was that two of the finest men I’d ever known were gone. All because I’d gotten things wrong.”
Stella reached out and grazed his cheek with her palm. “It’s not good for you to think this way. You were heroic that day and you saved countless lives. Focus on that aspect. You can’t blame yourself for what someone else put in motion.”
“It’s not that simple. I was the leader of my team. I called the shots on our missions. Ultimately it was my job to keep everyone safe. We had a no-fail mindset that we operated by.” He shuddered. “Failure meant lost lives, which is what ended up happening. I own that.”
Stella didn’t want to try to convince Luke how wrong he was. She wanted to gently support him the way he’d always lifted her up. Beating him over the head wasn’t going to work. “It makes sense that you’re assigning blame to yourself because you were in a leadership role. You came out of that day alive and still in one piece despite your injuries while others died. I’m sure you’ve heard of survivor’s guilt. A lot of people have it after suffering trauma. I’m no expert, but I think you might have it.”
“Brando mentioned it when he came to visit. I’d thought about it before but not seriously. It’s one of the reasons I think it would be good to talk to the Smiths and Aaron’s family. Maybe giving them answers would help me as well.”
“My advice is to seek out whatever will help you heal. I support you, Luke. And I’m here for you,” she said, knowing she would stand beside him through this emotional journey. It was good knowing he trusted her enough to talk about such a sensitive subject. She hoped it meant their relationship was headed in a good direction. Everything was pretty new between them, but it felt as if she’d known this adult version of Luke for a very long while. She believed in him. And little by little, Stella was beginning to believe in the possibility of them.
***
The following morning Luke woke up to Stella nestled against his chest. Of all the mornings he’d awoken in his life, this had to be the best so far. No nightmares had plagued him. They’d talked until the stars were stamped out of the sky, and then Stella had slept like an angel in his arms. For once in his life he hadn’t sought out a physical connection with a woman. Been there done that. This time it was all about the emotional connection he felt with Stella. He was deeply attracted to her, but he didn’t want to mess things up by taking things too fast.
It was amazing how comfortably he’d slept last night. Although it didn’t make any sense, the couch had been roomy enough for a man of his size, as well as Stella. It had felt as if they’d been sleeping on a cloud. Luke figured it had more to do with Stella than the couch itself. Buoyed by the time they’d spent together, Luke felt as if he had a new outlook on so many things.
Going back to Stella’s place to clear the air had been one of the wisest decisions he’d ever made. He’d laid his heart bare and put into words the thing he was most ashamed of. Talking to Stella had been a freeing experience. She was right. Both men deserved to be memorialized. It was one of the reasons he felt honor bound to talk to their families. The fact that Stella had encouraged him to meet with the families made him feel as if he was on the right track. Even though Brando had discouraged him from going to see the Smiths, Luke didn’t see a reason to wait any longer. Maybe he could help Dorothea through the grieving process by answering questions she had about her son’s death. Luke didn’t remember all the details from that horrific day, but he was eager to disclose everything he knew.
When Stella woke up, she scooted away from him. Unsurprisingly, she looked just as beautiful as always. “Good morning,” he said, unable to resist pressing a kiss on her temple.
“Morning. How was your sleep?” she asked, raising her arms over her head in a stretch.
“I slept like a baby,” he answered. “Thanks for letting me crash here last night. And for being so supportive. I know I unleashed a lot on you last night.”
Stella grinned at him, sending him into orbit. “Of course. Thank you for being so open with me. I know it couldn’t have been easy to tell me about Afghanistan.”
Stella was right. Allowing himself to be vulnerable wasn’t the Navy SEAL way. He’d learned to be stoic over the years in order to survive grueling training and difficult missions. It was almost as if he had to learn all over again how to be in the world as a regular person. He knew not everyone would be as understanding and patient. Which simply drove home the point that this woman was special. Like the rarest of diamonds, Stella sparkled and shimmered. And he felt extremely fortunate that they’d found each other. He didn’t know where things were going between them, but he knew it felt right being with her.
“Honestly, you made it so easy, Stella,” he confessed. “You just listened without judgment or trying to tell me how to handle things. You heard me.” Last night had shown him exactly how compassionate and soothing Stella was. If a storm was headed their way, she would weather it with grace and composure.
“In case you didn’t know, I’m very invested in your happiness. I want the best for you,” Stella said, locking gazes with him. For Stella it was a bold statement. She was letting him know she cared about him. As someone who’d been hurt in the recent past, this was a huge step for her. That knowledge sat between them, and Luke wanted to let her know she wasn’t in this thing alone. He cared deeply about her as well.
“I feel the same way about you, Stella,” he acknowledged. “I never expected to meet anyone when I came back to town. But you turned out to be the biggest surprise of all.”
“Bigger than all the women in town trying to date you?” she asked with a chuckle. Stella’s laughter was contagious and he joined in along with her. Her face was lit up with happiness, and he hoped it had a little bit to do with him. Because he knew she was making his life richer and fuller, and he hoped he gave the same to her. He was falling like a ton of bricks and there really wasn’t anything he could do to stop these feelings from blossoming.
“You’ve got jokes,” Luke said. For a moment they simply stared at each other, both of them basking in their appreciation of each other.
“How about some breakfast?” Stella asked. “I can whip up some omelettes and grits for us. Some sausage too if you like.”
