Just power through it, he told himself.All in. All the time.His Navy SEAL creed. He needed to tether himself to something in order to make it past this moment. He was strong. He was brave. He’d endured worse than this. He’d been through the fire time after time. How many times had he made the impossible possible? What was wrong with him?
“I-I’m all right,” he finally said through clenched teeth. He bowed his head and did his best to breathe. His chest was tight. He needed to get away from all this noise and chaos, but he felt like a marble statue, incapable of moving. In an ideal world he would be miles and miles away from this Fourth of July fireworks extravaganza.
“Obviously, something’s wrong. Tell me, Luke.” The concern emanating from her eyes gutted him. She was kind and compassionate and Luke knew she genuinely cared about him. While a part of him wanted to tell her about his panic attacks, another part of him didn’t want her to see him as weak. As a member of the Navy it had been drilled into him that strength was his greatest attribute. Weakness had never been an option. Who was he if he couldn’t be strong and hold himself together?
“I’m sorry, Stella. I need to get out of here.” He pushed the words out of his mouth almost against his will. This evening had been so perfect…until all this stuff got dredged up. He hated to end the night this way, but he was falling apart at the seams, and he didn’t want Stella to see him like this. Luke cared way more than he’d realized about what she thought of him.
“I’ll pack up my things so we can go,” she said, reaching for the picnic basket. He held up his hand to stop her. The last thing he needed right now was company. Luke wanted to lick his wounds in private. He wanted to scream about his pain and vent about the loss of his friends. Stella wouldn’t understand any of it, and he didn’t blame her. She was a small-town schoolteacher who thankfully would never experience what he’d endured.
“I don’t want to put a damper on your evening. I’d rather end things on a high note in the hopes you’ll forget you saw me like this.”
“Are you sure? What’s going on? Please. Talk to me, Luke.” She was pleading with him, and for a moment he considered telling her everything. He could ask to go back to her place and talk. Could explain that the fireworks brought him back to the moment six months ago when his entire life imploded.You have nothing to be ashamed of.Her cozy house was just a stone’s throw down the beach. What he wouldn’t give to be inside that bungalow with Stella. With a silent groan he stood up, compensating for his bad leg by leaning his weight on the left one.
“Night, Stella. Will you be okay getting home?” He had to ask, even though he knew the walk would take mere minutes. And with the crowd of revelers at the beach, she wouldn’t be alone. Embarrassment hit him squarely in the gut. He couldn’t even walk Stella to her door without unraveling. He just needed to get as far away as possible from the noise and the brightness and the bangs.
“I’ll be fine. Goodnight, Luke.” Stella’s voice was filled with bewilderment. She knew something was wrong, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. He also detected a hint of disappointment riding under the surface. He couldn’t blame her. Tonight had been absolutely perfect until he’d ruined everything.
Luke walked off into the darkness, enveloped by shame. His body had betrayed him in every way tonight. He was battling so many emotions. Stuffing things down into a big black hole wasn’t working anymore. It was all bubbling to the surface and it felt overwhelming.
Stella Marshall deserved so much more than Luke could ever give her. He’d seen the hurt in her eyes, and he hated himself for bringing her pain. They’d shared a beautiful kiss tonight. It had been a romantic evening. For the first time in forever Luke had started to believe that he could make a life here in Mistletoe with Stella at his side. For a few hours he’d allowed himself to forget that he was broken. If a few fireworks sent him spiraling into a dark place, what hope did he have for a normal life?
Chapter Nineteen
What in the world was happening? One moment she and Luke had been cuddling underneath a blanket and enjoying a glorious fireworks display, and then the next everything fell apart. Stella didn’t leave the beach until all the fireworks were extinguished from the sky. Part of her was in shock while another part simply felt sad. She hadn’t known how to answer Lucy’s questions about Luke’s whereabouts. Her sister had looked as confused as Stella felt. By the time she’d said her goodbyes to her family and friends before heading home, Stella was on the verge of tears. It was hard not to blame herself for Luke’s departure. Had she done something to send him running? Nothing about the situation made sense to her. He’d told her on several occasions how much he loved fireworks. But the look on his face said otherwise.
Finally, after such a long time of feeling at loose ends, Stella had been happy. Tonight had felt like a new beginning, full of promise. But what did she know? Hadn’t she once thought Rafe was her Prince Charming? There was no comparison between the two men. Luke was a man of honor while Rafe lacked scruples. Even though she was annoyed with Luke, there was truly no question as to who was the better man.
She still wasn’t about to let Luke off the hook for bailing on her. It dredged up a lot of the feelings she’d harbored for years since Rafe walked away from her.
A petty feeling took hold. If Luke wasn’t feeling this relationship, she should just cut things off before she got any deeper. He’d wounded her tonight with his odd behavior and sudden departure. It was as if he’d picked at a scab that was almost healed and left the cut open and vulnerable. She didn’t want to feel rejected, but it felt so personal. She’d been looking forward to tonight, believing it would be special due to their recent decision to pursue a romantic relationship. And yet, something had gone terribly wrong.
Stella opened up her freezer and pulled out a carton of Ben and Jerry’s. She was sitting here all alone trying to numb the pain with mint chocolate chip ice cream. Normally she would call up Lucy to come over and commiserate with her, but with Dante in town, Stella didn’t want to bother her. Was this her new normal with Lucy? Would she always be stepping on eggshells and afraid to claim her sister time?
“At least I still have you, Coco Chanel,” she said, bending down and patting her poodle on the head. If it was possible for a dog to roll their eyes, Coco Chanel was doing it at this very moment. She trotted away from Stella and settled into her plush doggy bed. Humph! “I can’t believe you. After all I’ve done for you.”
Okay, Stella. It’s time to put your big-girl panties on. Take a deep breath and keep it moving. This too shall pass.
She was wallowing. Lucy was always available to her. Being engaged to Dante hadn’t changed that one bit. If Stella called her right now, Lucy would move heaven and earth to get to her. She reached over and grabbed her cell phone from the table. Nothing could ever separate the sisters. Not marriage or kids or a Hollywood movie star.
A loud knock on her back door startled her and brought her out of her thoughts. A glance at the wall clock showed it was almost eleven o’clock, and she couldn’t imagine who would be stopping by at this hour. Stella reluctantly put down the carton of ice cream and made her way to the door. A quick look through the glass pane revealed Luke standing there. He’d changed into a pair of jeans and an oatmeal-colored shirt that fit his tall, rugged body to perfection. Stella’s heart beat fast at the sight of him. Why did he have to look so scrumptious? Especially right now when she was annoyed with him. She slowly turned the handle and opened the door.
“You don’t have to ask why I’m here,” Luke blurted out. “I know it’s late. Can I just have a few minutes of your time?”
Stella nodded and flung the door wide open. The fact that Luke had made his way back to her house hours after they’d parted ways made her curious, and she was still open to listening to him. As soon as Luke stepped inside, Stella felt his energy fill the space. She folded her arms around her middle in a self-protective gesture. Even though she welcomed Luke back into her home with open arms, she still needed to protect herself against getting hurt. Tonight had shown her that because of the way she felt about him, Luke possessed the power to wound her.
Neither one of them made a move to sit down. Luke leaned against the kitchen island while Stella propped herself against the counter. A heaviness hung in the space between them.
“I should have explained things earlier at the beach and I’m sorry that I didn’t. My only excuse is that I was embarrassed and I couldn’t find the words.”
“You? Embarrassed about what?” She couldn’t hide her surprise. Stella found it hard to believe that a man like Luke would ever feel this way. He radiated confidence and swagger.
A tremor was racing around in his jaw. “My reaction to the fireworks. It took me straight back to Afghanistan. All the noise sounded like the explosions that day. And my body reacted. It was fight or flight…and I had to get away because in that moment it felt like I was dying. Like I couldn’t get a breath.
“I’ve been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks for the last six months. Certain things trigger them. It’s not as if I could even remember everything that happened, but it seems as if I’m recalling more details as time goes by.” He idly fiddled with a glass on the counter. “I was having a great night with you, Stella. Probably the best time I’ve had in years. It’s frustrating that I ruined it.”
Stella walked over to Luke, swiftly closing the distance between them. Guilt enveloped her. She’d made his behavior personal and it hadn’t been at all. “It’s not your fault, Luke. You didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t believe that I didn’t connect the dots or do anything to help you.”
“Please don’t blame yourself. I hate that I confused you. Stella, I never want to do anything to make you doubt me.” Luke reached for her hands and they laced their fingers together. It was such an odd sensation to feel so connected to Luke in this moment when just a short time ago she’d been bereft. His honesty and vulnerability rocked her to the core.
