The bluster drained from his face, and he looked away. “This is my fault, I am well aware,” he said lowly. “I... I dishonored you and... and struggled to know the best way to proceed. I apologize.” Color rose to his cheeks, and Sabine realized he wasblushing.
“Oh yes, well,” she rushed to say, “perhaps it’s not entirely your fault. I am also to blame. I myself stayed away because the... er, encounter between us was new and untried and a bit overwhelming—although not in a terrible way. Certainly, I don’t feeldishonored, as you say. I have been trying to understand how I felt about it. The silence was rude, I’ll admit, but I required some solitude. I should have made some sign of wellness, but I—” She stopped and took a deep breath. “This is new to me. As I’ve said.”
“This?” he said, spinning to her. “There is nothis. What happened between us was a one-time lapse in my self-control, and it won’t happen again. You owe me no excuse for your distance. I... I am surprised to see you, even today.”
Sabine blinked up at him, trying to keep track of all thewon’tsandone-timesanddistances. “You do not control our experience, Jon,” she said, invoking his given name for the first time. His eyes went wide and she felt a burst of gratification.Yes, I will call you Jon.
She continued, “You cannot dictate how I will remember it or how I will respond to what happened.”
“You are in control,” Stoker vowed stoically, raising his hands in surrender. “That is what I said.”
“No,” she said patiently. He’d missed her point entirely. “You saidthat you lost yourself, and you said you won’t do it again. You’ve suggested that I should stay away if I know what is good for me. Do you deny it?”
Stoker opened his mouth but then shut it.
“Well, please be aware,” she said, stepping closer, “that is not how I see it, and I don’t appreciate having you characterize what happened on my behalf. I would never assume how you felt about it.”
Did you like it? she wanted to ask.Would you do it again?
He let out a harsh bark of laughter. “I think it was obvious how I felt about it.”
“Actually, it’s not. You are cryptic by nature and this is no different. I won’t guess at your feelings, but I also won’t make you say them. In return, you will not tell me howIfeel.”
Tell me your feelings,she willed in her head.
“You want to discuss what happened? In detail?” he asked lowly, turning a little white. “After avoiding me for a week?”
She plucked a leafy frond from a hydrangea bush and spun it in her fingers. “I do, in fact,” she breathed. “But perhaps not... right this second. You’ve blustered at me about my investigation without even saying hello. You’ve had some breakthrough of your own of which I know nothing. We’ve not spoken in days. This conversation has become too adversarial, too quickly.”
She took a deep breath and tucked the leaf in her hair. “May I first ask simply how your wound is faring? Are you comfortable out of the house? Perry told me she helped you out. According to her, you are entirely recovered and I’m holding an able-bodied man captive in my bedroom.”
He huffed, but his posture relaxed. He ran a hand through his hair. “Do not blame Perry. She feared she was betraying you, as you alone are meant to care for me.”
“As any self-respecting captor would insist.”
He nodded, staring down at her. She felt him look at her, really look at her, not in guilt or worry, but to simply see her face. She smiled up at him. He held her gaze, his green eyes appreciative and hungry.
“I am much improved, thank you,” he said, looking away. “The wound is closing. The infection is entirely gone.”
“So, youareready to move on from my—From us?” She looked at the ground.
“Are you ready to cease this trailing around London after known criminals?”
Her head snapped up.“No.”
“Would you tolerate a security detail to accompany you?”
“Absolutely not. They would bring attention to my otherwise stealthy investigation.”
“Will you allow me to call in a runner from Bow Street or the police?”
“And have them bungle the investigation or scare Dryden into hiding? Not until I have enough solid evidence to put him away.”
“Then no,” he said. “I’m not ready to move on.”
Sabine turned her face away to hide the relief. He wouldn’t go. But it was not because he wanted to be near her.
“I’m not trying to evict you. I hope you are aware,” she said. “I was always prepared for you to stay until you are fully healed. But I would be mortified if you remained merely to check up on me.” This was true. She felt a little mortified already.
