“Joseph,” she sighed, “I have been so ashamed.” Her voice broke.
He swore in his head. He dropped beside her on the top step and pulled her against him.
She went on, “I will, perhaps, always struggle to see it asyousee it—as an attack. I... I was raised by my mother to walk a very fine line between being so very pretty and yet also so very untouchable. The delicate balance of beauty and virtue was as important as the beauty alone or the virtue itself. I had to be pretty enough to drive a man to his knees but also stoic enough to fend off his lack of control.”
Joseph growled. He wanted to vault up and down the stairs again, he wanted to punch the wall. He said tightly, “This is madness, Tessa. Pretty girls should not go through life with the underlying charge of fending off licentious men. Your mother is mad. She has failed you, not the other way around. She has failed you in so many ways.”
Tessa had no answer for this. She burrowed more closely against him.
He cleared his throat. “I want to support you, Tessa, honestly, but I am so very angry at this man. Worthless specimen of humanity.”
“Please,” she said, “do not pursue violence. Do not endeavor to learn who he is or where he is. To endanger yourself serves no purpose in our... future.”
His stomach gave a little flip at the mention ofour future, but he cocked an eyebrow at her. “Allow me to clarify,” he said. “There are very few men whoposedangerto me, Tessa. I learned to fight in an Ottoman-held Greek slum, and I’ve been in and out of scrapes in nearly every port in the world. If you prefer it, I will not seek him out. But if ever I encounter this person, he should be very afraid of me.”
She smiled and he gathered her closer and kissed the top of her head, breathing her in. “Oh, God, Tessa, I’m so sorry. For all of it. Most of all, I’m sorry I left you alone in a fit of pique because I thought you...” He squeezed his eyes shut, hating himself. “I thought that you had seduced me and tricked me. I was focused only on my pride.”
“I was afraid to tell you the full story,” she said. “Fear kept me silent, not seduction and trickery. I’ve been afraid to tell you, even now. What if your generous view changes after you’ve had time to consider what you’ve learned?”
“It won’t. And Tessa? No more fear.” But he thought of her reaction to his hand on her ankle. He thought of her panicky leap from his lap. Their journey to no fear would be, perhaps, a long and arduous one.
But now he wanted only to love her, to calm her. “But perhaps we should take a step back,” he ventured. “Notto lose our generous view, but simply to recover from the emotions of today. I feel like I’ve run to Windsor and back, and I’ve done nothing but listen. I can only imagine what you must feel.” He looked around. “Clearly our stair climbing has scared away the staff, but they can be roused to bring tea. Are you hungry? What are your feelings about taking supper with Trevor and Piety?”
“To be honest,” she began, “I’m not sure I can manage the social demands of a formal meal. I know the earl and countess are important to you, but...” She let the sentence trail off. “If you’ve run to Windsor, I’ve run to Scotland. Do you think I might decline just this once? Of course, you should remain.”
Joseph made a dismissive noise and stood up. He held out his hand and pulled her to her feet. “Whatever you decide, we will do together.”
“They made such a fuss about your visit. I couldn’t pull you away.”
“Of course you could,” he sighed. “The truth is, I come and go from this house with feckless irregularity. It’s rude and self-indulgent, but I do relish the homecoming I receive when I drop in after disappearing for weeks at the time. We will scribble a note and demand a future invitation.”
“If you’re certain...” she said.
“I hope the alternative is not to take you directly home.” He held his breath.
“Well,” she said shyly, “I did tell Perry I would be out all afternoon...”
“Brilliant,” he said, trying not to think of all the satisfying ways he could carry on with his wife for the length of an afternoon. There would be, God willing, plenty of opportunities to cultivate that. Now she needed time and care and understanding. “I know a café around the corner that does a lovely cream tea.”
Tessa made a face and shook her head.
“Right. I don’t suppose you’d like to see my house in Blackheath?”
With no enthusiasm, she said, “Oh, yes, the Blackheath house...” Joseph was reminded of her request to move halfway across the country. Some of his hopefulness sagged. For this, he would require his own time and care and understanding.
He searched his mind for some innocuous, pleasant alternative. Something with no stake in their marriage that would offer some respite from the revelations of the afternoon. Suddenly, the answer occurred to him.
“I don’t suppose you would consider,” he began, “the originally stated purpose of this outing, which was to call on the guano buyers in their offices on Blair Street?”
Tessa’s head shot up. Her eyes were filled with hopeful delight. “Iwouldconsider it,” she enthused. “Oh, Joseph, truly?”
He chuckled. It was as if he’d suggested they call on the jewelers. “Truly,” he continued.
She laughed—she actually laughed. “Do you find it suspect that this, of all things, should thrill me? No, don’t answer that. I don’t care. It’s so very gratifying to be included in your work.”
“Yes, well, I do aim to thrill. And now I see why you agreed to spend the afternoon with me. You came for the buyers.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said, “I came for the boot room.” And then she patted her hair, gave her bodice a tug, and clipped down the stairs.
