“You are entirely unknown to me,” he said.
She flinched, and Joseph shook his head, marveling at her. This particular barb did not even seem so cruel. Merely true.You are entirely unknown to me.He did not know her. He could not believe she would deny it.
“Will you do it?” she whispered, drawing a deep breath. When she looked up, tears spilled down her cheeks.
He sighed heavily. “No, Tessa, I will not annul the marriage. I’m not sure what sort of man that you believe me to be, but clearly he’s as far from reality as the person I believed you to be.”
She raised her chin at this, scraping the tears from her cheeks with a careless flick of her hand. “I am not proud of this night, Joseph, or these last months or of my situation, but I... I cannot believe that I am rotten to the core because I found myself pregnant and alone, I cannot.”
“Oh, no,” he said, pointing his finger at her. “Don’t make me the bastard who cried harlot or tried to shame you. Do not. Let us be very clear. I am not angry about this baby. I am angry because you misled me. For weeks!”
“I was terrified of you.”
“In no way am I terrifying, Tessa, ask anyone.”
“I am terrified now,” she said in a small voice.
“No, you are not, you are relieved.”
“You’ve no idea how I feel.”
“That, madam, has been perfectly well established. I have no idea. None. You are a mystery to me in every way.”
She dropped her face in her hands then, and he finally heard a wrenching sob, then another, and another.
He swore violently and spun away. “It is impossible to articulate the very great ambition I had for our marriage, Tessa. I loved everything about you—or the you that I believed you to be. I loved your playful spirit, your provocativeness, your curiosity, yourjoie de vivre. Your beauty took my breath away. You made me feel clever and capable. You made me feel as if you believed that I, a former servant, could rise to the occasion and deign to marry a wealthy gentleman’s daughter. It was the perfect combination of enchantment and vanity. And I believed all of it.”
“I never...” Tessa began, but Joseph cut her off.
“You never what?” he demanded. “Lied to me? You’ve just admitted to lying, daily, for weeks. And surely you can see how I may no longer trust your... your wiles? That perfect spell of beauty and charm and scintillation? What confidence I felt about our... our union, how proud I was to provide for you? Now that I’ve learned that these were the expertly calculated desired results...”
Tessa blinked at him three times, shook her head slightly, and then put her hands to her hair, grabbing long, blonde handfuls. She made a shrill noise of frustration and turned away from him, stalking across the room.
“There is no winning,” she said. It was the loudest she’d yet spoken. “But what did I expect?” She dropped her hands and her hair slid down her back. “Honestly, what did I expect?” Now she laughed, a sad, deflated sound. “Actually, I expected far worse. Or rather, I expected far different, but in a worse way. Although... I’m not sure how it could be worse than this. I’m sorry, Joseph.” Tears cracked her voice, but she forged ahead. “I’m so incredibly sorry. Likely there are twenty different ways I could have handled the situation from the moment we met. Each time I chose what I could manage or what I could not resist. The indulgent life I have led up until this moment is no excuse, but still, I hold it up. To say I was unprepared to deal with the ramifications of an unexpected baby is such an extreme understatement. If my friend Willow had not placed the advert that brought you to me”—now she pointed to the advert laying half folded beside the chair—“God knows what I would have done.”
Joseph listened, coming to terms with the reality of her authentic self, making an appearance for the very first time.
“And what if you had simply told your parents?” he asked. “Tessa, what if you had simply asked for their help? They indulge you in most things. They’ve just thrown you the wedding of the century. Why not appeal to them?”
Tessa shook her head. “Impossible. Indiscretion is something they would never tolerate. Their priorities for me revolve around the family’s reputation and place in society. I am to be beautiful but also above reproach. My mother plays the grand lady but her beginnings are nearly as humble as yours. She craves acceptance and esteem among the other women in her circle. She would not recover from the shame if she knew. My father could not look me in the eye if he felt I had succumbed to something so base as... as to conceive a child outside of wedlock. It is unthinkable to view me in this way. I asked you to conceal your history for the same reason. They would never have allowed the union if they’d known. They are...” She stopped and swallowed. “Things are either right or wrong to them. Proper or improper. Allowed or... banished. They have indulged me, yes. But conditionally. Their indulgence would not... extend to this situation. I had so few choices. So, I ruined your life instead.”
“My life has not been ruined,” he said, an impulse. He narrowed his eyes to think this over. Had his life been ruined? His life had been given a detonating shock that rocked him to the very core.
He heard himself extrapolate. “My life has changed course. I only intend to be married once. And now I find myself married, but... under entirely different auspices. So far from what I thought of my once-in-a-lifetime union.”
“I had different intentions as well,” she said, turning away. “Of course my new path should not affect your path, but it does. For this, I am so sorry, Joseph.”
“Yes,” he said. “How very sorry we both are.”
There was a pause. He allowed himself to look at her, to take in her beauty.
After a long moment, she said, “But what of our plans for your departure and your return? Will I...?” She paused, watching him, waiting.
He could feel her uncertainty. He almost broke under the pressure of the... was that regret in her eyes? But the phraseour plansechoed in his ears, as if the future they had so carefully planned together still applied, now that she had trapped him. He raised an eyebrow, forcing her say the words.
She cleared her throat and began again, raising her chin. She was not accustomed to ungracious behavior. “Will I see you when you return from Barbadoes?”
He’d not thought of this, of course. He’d only just learned his life was not as he believed, he’d thought of nothing.
