It also helped that she’d fallen in love with Joseph Chance in these last weeks, a condition she had begun to admit to herself and she wanted, very badly, to admit to him. But it was a qualified love. It was a love mingled with selfishness for her own situation, with fear, with desperation. Why, she wondered for the thousandth time, couldn’t she have met Joseph before Captain Marking, when the two of them could have fallen in love without secrets or lies or omissions?
Why, indeed? She wasn’t sure what to do with this burgeoning love except use it to find the words to reveal the baby—because, when it came down to it, the real reason she would now tell him had little to do with lying generally and everything to do with lying to a man with whom she’d fallen in love. Considering this love, could she continue with the deception, even for the baby? Was the strength of her love worth the risk of... of...
Well, the real risk now was annulment.
If she told him (whenshe told him), he might very well undo the marriage. An annulment would leave her not only heartbroken, but truly destitute as well. Her parents would discover the ruse and refuse all manner of aid; and it would be impossible to marry someone else.
Her best estimation was that he wouldnotannul their new union. First and foremost, he needed the dowry money. Second, he was a principled man, but he was not cruel. She’d seen this from the very beginning. She’d been drawn to it, like a warm fire on a cold day. It was one of the things about him she loved the most.
Finally, impossibly, was there a chance his affection for her would make him sympathetic to her plight? Could he possibly love her enough to overlook her deception?
She would only know if she spoke the words.
But... not yet. Please,she begged herself.Just a few more moments.
She allowed herself to ask, “What should we talk about?”
His hand had found its way inside the peignoir to the thin silk of her gown. It settled on her waist. Tessa could feel the outline of each strong finger against her hip. It was not horrible, she thought. In fact, it was quite nice. It was more of the same, like kissing and embracing. Oh, how she wanted more kissing and embracing and his hand on her hip.
“Hmmm, I’ve an idea,” he said, reaching for the pocket on his waistcoat. He removed a tattered piece of folded parchment. “A little gift for you, if you’ll have it. For the two of us, I suppose.”
Tessa recognized the paper even before she reached out to take it. The advertisement her friends had posted on the docks in London in order to solicit husbands. Had that been only a month ago?
With shaking hands, she unfolded the parchment. “The advertisement,” she whispered, blinking to keep her eyes dry. “You’ve kept it?”
“Of course I kept it. I wouldn’t have any other ‘gentleman sailors’ sniffing around, asking about your particular brand of ‘investment.’”
She fingered the crumbling edge of the parchment. She wondered if he would allow her to have it as a keepsake—after he knew.
Without thinking, she folded herself against his chest and buried her face in his neck. He gathered her to him, cradling her. He tugged the rumpled parchment from her hand.
“Careful, darling,” he said softly, “what is it?”
She soaked in the gentle pressure of his large hand against her back. She listened to the steady thud of his heart. He pressed a line of small kisses to her temple and she sucked in a breath, as if she could breathe his kisses in. She felt the roughness of his whiskers against her eyelids and cheek and mouth. His fingers flexed gently, in and out, in and out.
How blissful this scene would be on a different night, under different circumstances. But it wasn’t a different night. And the circumstances grew inside her, more every day. She squeezed her eyes shut.
Suddenly, limb by limb, her body began to lock up; stomach clenched, shoulders seizing. She was a tight knot of dread and regret. “Joseph...?” she began, speaking against the skin of his neck.
Her voice was higher pitched than usual. She paused, trying to find the courage. He waited.
There was a good chance he might drop her when she said it—simply roll her off his lap and onto the rug. The deceit would outrage him, there was no doubt about that. But it was an outrage she deserved. She squeezed her eyes more tightly shut. She deserved all of it.
But not yet, she thought. Five more moments. Five more.
“You weren’t displeased by the wedding, I hope?” he asked. Gently, he tipped her back. “It was what you wanted?”
She swallowed. “Well, the wedding was what my parents wanted.”
“Come now. You cannot say that the bunting and pine boughs and candles and... How many distinguished guests were there? Three hundred? You cannot say this was not exactly as your heart desired? I looked out at the scale of the wedding feast and thought, what a lifetime of grand affairs I am in for.” He kissed her on the ear. “Lucky for you, I am up to the task. I should like nothing more than hosting ridiculously large parties with you beside me.”
Tessa nodded, unable to speak. How did he know her so well? Already? When she’d managed to conceal such a large part of herself?
“Yes, it was very... grand,” she finally said. “But was it too grand?”
“For me?” he chuckled. “No. Grand is one of my chief pursuits. When you begin life as a servant and rise to become a man of means, ‘grand’ holds a certain appeal. Within reason.” He gave her a squeeze.
“Was the Earl of Falcondale impressed, do you think?” Tessa asked, speaking of his old friend and sponsor. The earl, Tessa thought, was another reason Joseph would not annul the wedding. If she had to guess, she believed Joseph would rather die than admit to the earl that he had been deceived by his wife.
