“That’s why I’m going to Columbia in the fall,” she said. She hated how her voice now sounded so small.
Freddie must have noticed the change, too, because his expression softened and his arms were suddenly around her, drawing her against his tall body.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her hair. “It’s just a lot. But we’ll make this work, okay?”
“How?” she whispered.
“Well, if you’re staying in New York, I will, too,” he murmured.
She leaned back enough to meet his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I’ll turn down the Buenos Aires program and stay,” he replied, his mouth quirking up in that crooked grin again.
It would have been so easy to dismiss his sentiment as a joke. Because there was no way he would walk away from an opportunity like this. Objectively, it was insane. But then she remembered that the same impetuousness that saw him apply could just as easily see him turn it down. It was Freddie’s MO. And the worst part wasthat he would see it as a win, another adventure to traverse. For a little while at least, until he had time to contemplate what he’d given up. Then the resentment would set in.
“This isn’t a decision you make on a whim, Freddie,” she said, stepping back and out of his arms. “This is your future, and—”
“I know you like your plans, Annie,” he cut her off. “But this is my decision. I want to spend next year with you.”
He was still smiling even as a new seriousness settled in his eyes, and she could already see his stubbornness taking root. The decision was being made in real time and no matter how much she told him he needed to go, nothing was going to change his mind.
You both can’t get what you want, you know, her mother whispered in her head.
This is what her mother had been talking about. They were at the crux of it, and one of them had to give to move them both forward.
Don’t be afraid to be selfish.
The selfish thing to do right now would be to keep her mouth shut. Let him stay and get everything she wanted. Except Anne couldn’t be selfish, not with him. He needed to go to Argentina, even if that meant she had to force him onto the plane herself. She was okay being the bad guy, as long as he didn’t have to compromise his dreams for her.
That’s when the realization hit her with awful crystal clarity. She needed to be the bad guy, cut him loose, and let him go.
She needed to break up with him.
It should have sounded crazy, a rash decision that would be laughable in the morning, and for anyone else it might. But Anne understood logic. Her brain knew how to attack a problem, and it had shifted this one into a beautifully simple calculation: Twoequal forces will oppose each other until one of them bends, but only if both forces remain unchanged.
She simply had to take herself out of the equation.
“FREDDIE!” a voice called out from the front of the bar. “WHERE’D YOU GO, MAN?”
Freddie released a frustrated sigh. “Let’s head back inside. We can talk about this later, okay?”
“You go ahead,” Anne said, taking another step back. “I think I’m going to head home.”
He stared down at her, like he could see how something had changed. How she was desperately trying to hide what was already floating in her head.
“Hey,” Freddie said. “You okay?”
No. I have to let you go and I have no idea how, she thought. It was for the best; she knew that. But she could never tell him because that would only make him want to stay more. The irony was so sharp she wanted to scream.
But instead, she said, “I’m fine.”
Maybe this was inevitable. That would explain why she had avoided the topic of their future for so long. Deep inside, she knew that when she did, there was no going back. This was it, for better or for worse. And living in purgatory was easier than taking that decisive action.
“Let me walk you to the subway,” he said, taking a step toward her.
“No, it’s okay. It’s just a few blocks,” she said, forcing herself to smile even as tears pricked her eyes. “Besides, the host can’t leave his own party.”
Somewhere in the bar, there were cheers, laughter. “FREDDIE! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!”
