She was struck by the urge to advise Sadie to quit, to protect her voice—but she remembered herself at that age, sucking down cigarettes outside this very same building, and thought better of it. She wasn’t Sadie’s mom.
She tried not to wonder where the hell Sadie’s parents were in all of this, anyway.
“Sure,” she said, and took the smooth plastic rectangle, her attempt at a conservative hit still sending a powerful blast of nicotine to her brain. It knocked loose the queasy revelation that, in a different universe, shewouldbe the parent of a teenager right now—not quite Sadie’s age, but not far off.
In another universe, she’d still be (unhappily) married to Adrian.
And in another—
Merritt hopped off that train of thought before it had the chance to derail her, refocusing on the issue at hand. She felt suddenly tongue-tied, choosing her words carefully.
“So…how have you been feeling? About this whole experience.”
Sadie’s mouth twisted for a millisecond, then her face brightened artificially. “Good. I mean, it’s fucking amazing, right? A year ago I was applying to be a cashier at In-N-Out, and now I’m here.” She glanced away, taking another nervous hit.
“And you like working with Marc?”
“Yeah, totally,” she said, a little stilted. “He’s, like, a legend. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am that we got him.” Her gaze dropped to the ground, the toe of her Doc Martens oxford digging a groove into the dirt.
Merritt’s pulse pounded in her throat. “And you’ve never felt, like…uncomfortable around him or anything?”
Sadie blinked, surprised. “Um…” She met Merritt’s eyes, then quickly looked away again, the syllable sliding up a full octave. No matter what she said next, Merritt already had her answer. “Yeah, no, it’s fine,” she finally said, with a shrug, her brows knitted together.
Merritt recognized the look on her face—the vulnerability of being very young and unsure in an industry where a lot of people were profiting off you while simultaneously making you feel worthless.
“Okay,” she said, sensing she wouldn’t get any further by pushing it. “Well, I’m really glad to be here. To share this with you. It means a lot.”
Sadie’s face lit up, the clouds parting. “Me, too. Like, I literally wouldn’t be here without you.” Merritt’s stomach lurched uncomfortably, but Sadie’s attention was on her buzzing phone. She glanced back up at Merritt. “We should probably get back in there. But they invited you to the party, right? I told Audrey to tell you.”
Merritt shook her head. “What party?”
“The label is having this party on Saturday for my eighteenth birthday. It might be totally lame, but they want me to do a set.It’s going to be a whole big thing.” Merritt opened her mouth to graciously decline, but Sadie held up her hand to silence her. “Before you say no…” She took a long, dramatic pause. “…Don’t.”
Merritt laughed. She’d thought she could escape this trip without running the gauntlet of an industry event, but for Sadie, she’d make an exception. “Okay. Can I bring my, um…” She trailed off, unsure what to call Niko.Friend? Boyfriend? Summer fling that I might actually be in love with, oops?“Niko?” she finally finished.
Sadie grinned. “I’dlovefor you to bring your Niko. Here, give me your number. You’re not on socials, right?”
When Sadie headed back inside, Merritt told her to go ahead, that she just had one more quick phone call to make.
Audrey picked up on the first ring. “Merritt! How’s everything going over there?” The wary note in her voice told Merritt that she’d been expecting some form of 911 call this whole time.
“Great,” said Merritt, as falsely perky as Sadie had been earlier. “You were right, Sadie’s incredibly talented. I was just wondering…” She paused, suddenly regretting not strategizing her approach before calling. Might as well swing big. “How difficult would it be to replace Marc?”
Audrey was silent, too—one of the loudest silences Merritt had ever heard. “Fairly difficult. The label loves him, and they have a contract. I don’t know if there are many names bigger than him out there right now. Why? Have you two been…clashing? Remember, you’re only there for a few days, he’s committed for the full album.”
Merritt’s stomach sank in dismay—both at the news and at the assumption that she would be the cause of the conflict. “Uh, no, it’s not that.” She ran her fingers through her hair inagitation. “Well, if that’s the case, can you…is there someone who can be here with her when they’re recording? Like, all the time? I, um…I don’t think they should be left alone together. It’s just a gut feeling, and I don’t think anything’s happened yet, but…” She trailed off, realizing with a sudden rush of panic that she’d done that exact thing.
There was another silence, somehow even louder than the last. “I’ll take care of it” was all Audrey said, her tone sending a shiver down Merritt’s spine.
She thanked her and hung up, hurrying inside. When she got back into the studio, Sadie was already in the booth, messing around on her guitar and humming to herself.
Marc looked up from his phone at the sound of the door, and when Merritt met his eyes, she felt a bolt of incandescent rage pass through her. At what, she couldn’t name exactly. Maybe at the way some people moved through the world so carelessly, unconcerned with the damage they caused. At the selfishness of tainting something so important to Sadie, creating a suffocating atmosphere of discomfort that would be tangled up in her memories of this time forever. At how weak someone had to be to abuse their power.
But she had power now, too. She could swallow her anger, and make the most of her time with Sadie, and ensure she was protected once Merritt left. Even if no one had been there to do the same for her.
Especiallysince no one had done the same for her.
29
