With that, the last bit of tension faded away. Nora filled Merritt in on the work she’d been doing with her flourishing production company—one of the reasons she was reducing her role on the medical drama she’d been starring in for years. On her end, Merritt gave her best pitch for the upcoming SummerFest, and Nora offered donations to the silent auction from both her and Ethan before Merritt could even ask.
Merritt ached to bring up her situation with Niko, since she valued Nora’s perspective more than almost anyone’s, but sheknew their friendship wasn’t back there yet, and frankly, she felt a little embarrassed about how the whole thing would sound when she told it back to her. So instead, they said their goodbyes, Nora promising to update her as soon as she knew when she’d be in town.
After she hung up, she rested her phone on her lap, staring down into the black screen absently.
When she was twenty, she’d written a song for her second album, “Can’t Help Myself,” that had ended up being one of her biggest singles. The lyrics had touched on both meanings of the phrase: her lack of impulse control and her inability to take care of herself the way she should.
At the time, she’d meant every word, but that wasn’t who she was anymore. Shecouldfucking help herself.
The next day, and the one after, and the one after, she did her best to fill the void of his absence. She took long runs as the sun was setting, which was a cry for help in itself, since she fucking hated running. Then, she’d come back, smoke an enormous joint, and lie in the bathtub until all her extremities had pruned. Sometimes she’d listen to music, but mostly she’d just stare at the ceiling, too stoned to respond to Alan’s texts, relishing the temporary illusion of being as boneless and brainless as a jellyfish.
She’d read once about a species of jellyfish whose tentacles grew longer than the length of a blue whale but, somehow, through the miracle of nature, never got tangled up.
She closed her eyes and tried to imagine what it might be like to take up that much space without ever getting in her own way.
15
When poker night rolled aroundagain, Merritt knew she had to get out of the house.
“Want to go out to dinner?”
Olivia glanced up from her book in surprise. Merritt realized with a twinge of guilt that she still hadn’t cashed in on their rain check of a night of trashy reality TV.
“Where?”
“I don’t know. Pizza?”
“Twist my arm, why don’t you.” Olivia slid in her bookmark and stood up with a sigh. It was still occasionally a surprise to see her this pregnant, the watermelon-sized bump peeking out from under her sweater when she stretched.
The sun was still high in the sky, slicing through the crisp air, as they walked to Last Chair.
“I talked to Mom today,” said Olivia.
“Oh yeah?” Merritt said, as neutrally as possible.
“She said you were throwing me a baby shower.”
Merritt groaned. “God, can anyone in this family keep a secret?”
“I don’t think she knew it was supposed to be a secret,” Olivia said, a little defensively, even though Merritt was positive she’d included that information in the terse text message she’d spent an hour drafting. “But she wanted to let me know she doesn’t think she can come.”
Merritt stopped short on the street. “Are youfuckingkidding me?”
“There’s a literary festival in Boston that weekend, she’s a featured speaker. It’s a really big deal.” Olivia’s voice was dull.
Merritt took a deep breath, reining in her reaction. She didn’t need to get angry about it in front of Olivia, the actual injured party. “I’ll talk to her” was all she said, and the two of them kept walking.
“Thank you, by the way,” Olivia said, after a beat.
“For what?”
“For planning it.”
A smile crept across Merritt’s face, despite herself. “I guess since it’s not a surprise anymore, you can tell me if there’s anything specific you want me to register for. Freya and Pam were helping me, but apparently baby technology has shifted a lot in the past thirty years.”
“Like a robot nanny?”
“No, like everything has Bluetooth for no reason and is two hundred dollars more expensive than it should be.”
