“You’re right,” she said, her voice strained. “You’re not on my level. You’re so, so much better than me, in so many ways. I’m sorry for not telling you that when I should’ve.”
“Merritt—”
“I’m not saying that to put myself down,” she said quickly, interrupting his interruption. “I’m saying it because you’ve ruined me for anyone else. You inspire me so much—your kindness, and your curiosity, and your generosity, and your creativity. Being with you was the first relationship where I didn’t feel like I got lost. It was like…you gave me the space to find the best version of myself. You showed me that love doesn’t have to be chaos. It can be calm, and safe, and steady. And you showed me that I could be those things for you, too. I’ve been dating for twenty years. I’ve been married. I know what else is out there for me, and I don’t want any of them. I wantyou,for as long as you’ll have me.”
He reallywascrying now, fighting to keep it out of his voice as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Okay. How does forever sound?”
She let out a choked laugh. “Sounds like a fair estimate, for a job this size. But we’ll have to wait to shake on it.”
He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to keep hisbreathing steady. “Okay. Okay. Sorry. I think you’ve turned me into an overthinker.”
“How does it feel?”
“Hurts.”
She laughed again, looser this time. “Yeah, it does. So, should I have them turn around and bring me back to the airport?”
“No, stay where you are. I’ll see if I can still use my ticket. Don’t go anywhere.”
“Okay,” she said, her voice warm and raspy. “Don’t make me wait too long.”
37
Merritt had hoped to sleepuntil Niko got there, but after a brief, dreamless nap, she was wide awake. She went on a long walk around the city, stopping at a cafe to eat an incredible-looking dinner she barely tasted before returning to her hotel and allowing herself to have one single cigarette by the pool, because fuck it, she was in Europe.
Patience had never been her strong suit, especially when she was waiting for the rest of her life to begin.
Finally, the next morning, her phone buzzed with two texts from him:
Just landed
Where are u?
She immediately responded with the name of her hotel and her room number, then got in the shower, mostly just to pass thetime. Still, it felt like forever before she heard the knock on her door, and she flung it open, her heart in her throat.
“Hi,” Niko said, and he looked so perfect she thought she was going to cry.
“Hi,” she said, and threw herself at him before he had a chance to walk in the door. Even fresh off an international flight, he somehow still smelled so good, so him, and the feeling of his arms around her made her feel like a missing limb had grown back.
They stumbled their way into the room, him dropping his bag, his hands in her hair, her mouth on his throat. “Wait,” he said. “Let me rinse off first.”
She followed him into the shower, even though her hair was still wet from her own, worried that if she let him out of her sight, he would disappear again.
“Do you want to talk?” Niko asked, once he’d stepped out of the tub and wrapped a towel around his hips.
“Later,” Merritt said, pouncing on him again, not even bothering with one.
They passed out before they had the chance to communicate anything more complex than exclamations, instructions, and murmured gratitude, but she woke up in the middle of the night with terrible cramps, just like the doctor had warned her. A sleepy Niko called down to the front desk and asked for a hot water bottle, some painkillers, and pads, which they sent up along with five bars of chocolate.
They were too jet-lagged to fall back asleep, so in that dark, quiet room, her head on his lap as he stroked her hair, they finally had the conversations they were no longer afraid of.
“So youwerepregnant?” Niko asked, his voice rumbling softly through her.
Merritt nodded. “Yeah. Only for a few days, though.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
She twined her hand in his, brushing it against her lips. “That’s okay. You’re here now.”
