“So who makes the final decision?” Lilah asked with trepidation.
Walt took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “Well, this isn’t exactly how we wanted to break the news. But the network is extremely interested. Apparently the ratings these last few months have been…very persuasive.” He cast a weary glance around at the rest of them before returning his gaze to Lilah and Shane. “You two are the only ones who aren’t locked into your contracts yet if we decide to continue.”
The implication settled over the rest of them instantly—the color draining from Natalie’s face, Margaux and Brian looking at each other, stricken.
“And it has to be both of us?” Shane asked, his voice rising in pitch.
Walt nodded. “Both of you, or no deal.”
The room was silent for a long, loaded moment, before everyone abruptly started talking again, splitting off into their own side conversations to process the news. Lilah grabbed Shane’s arm and pulled him into a corner.
“You want to do it?” she asked, already sounding more agitated than she meant to.
“You don’t?”
“Of course I don’t. Why would I?”
“I don’t know,” he said, his gaze dropping to the ground. “I thought maybe with everything…with us…”
“The show isn’tus. We don’t need it for us to exist.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “This is exactly what I was worried about, that there wouldn’t be enough separation.”
“But wouldn’t it be kind of nice, though?” His voice was pleading. “Once we get other jobs, we’ll barely see each other. We’d have the same schedule for two more years. That’s a fucking luxury.”
She leaned against the wall, suddenly exhausted. “Or we’ll break up and go through all of this shit again, except worse.”
His face went slack. “You think we’re gonna break up?”
“No, of course not,” she said hurriedly. “But…no onethinksthey’re gonna break up.”
Even as she said it, she realized it wasn’t true. In her other relationships, she’d almost immediately been all too aware of whatever incompatibility or shortcoming would eventually drive them apart. This round with Shane had been the exception—at least until now.
“What if it was just one more season, instead of two?” Shecould tell from his resigned tone that he knew it was pointless to even ask.
She exhaled. “I don’t want to do one moreepisodethan I already have to, Shane. I’m done. I was done four years ago. It’s time to move on.”
“You still hate doing it this much? Now that things are good between us again?”
“That’s not what it’s about. I don’t hate doing it, I’m justbored. I don’t want to keep doing the same shit I’ve been doing since I was twenty-two. I’m running out of time.”
He scoffed. “You’re notdying.”
“I’ll be an actress pushing thirty-five, I might as well be,” she said dryly.
“Very funny. You know, you’re not the only one who’s going to be affected by this decision.” She was shocked at the sudden bitterness in his tone and fought to keep her own voice even, to not let herself be baited into losing her cool.
“Fine, you wanna play that game?” She held up her hand and began ticking off her fingers. “If we say yes, Margaux and Brian are stuck being our fucking sidekicks for another two years. Natalie won’t get to do her show. Raf booked that superhero thing. Most of the crew is either going to the spin-off or has another job lined up already. Keeping it going just because you’re afraidyoucan’t do anything else would be more selfish than ending it.”
His nostrils flared. “You don’t have anything lined up yet, either. You’re choosingnothingover two years of guaranteed work?”
“What happened to ‘I’m not worried about you’? What happened to ‘you’re going to be fine’?” She dropped her eyes to the ground, taking a deep breath, trying in vain to calm her galloping heart. “What happened to ‘I’ll never pressure you into anything you don’t want to do’?”
He didn’t say anything for a moment, but she could hear him breathing, rapid and shallow. “You’llbe fine. I won’t. I can’t give this up, Lilah, it’s the only thing I can fucking do. You saw me onLNL,I’m not cut out for anything but Harrison.”
The cracked, ragged edge to his voice drew her gaze back to him, and she took in the full picture of his agitation. His red face, his disheveled hair. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.
She was shaking uncontrollably again, her whole body this time, her heart pounding faster than ever. As she swayed in place, vision swirling, a cold sweat breaking out on her forehead, she realized too late she’d barely eaten anything all day, her plummeting blood sugar finally catching up with her.
And now she was having a fucking panic attack.
