“Because I haven’t heard a fucking word from him in almost a year and a half?” Grey felt her voice rising with emotion against her will. She took a deep breath and collected herself. “Because I’ve been working my ass off trying to move on. If I see him…I’llbe right back where I started. It’ll mess with my head too much. It’s not worth it.”
Nora said nothing, just kept her eyes on Grey’s face. Grey turned and stared out the window. When she spoke again, her throat felt tight and irritated.
“You know what the worst part is? I don’t think it was even about me. Our relationship. I could’ve been anyone. He was like…like this starving lion, and I was just the first gazelle to wander into his path.” Tears welled in her eyes. “I don’t know if he ever really loved me. I was just something else to be addicted to. To lose himself in. Postpone the midlife crisis a little longer, or whatever.” She blinked rapidly, looking down at the table.
Nora took a deep breath, seeming to mull over Grey’s words carefully.
“I know it’s tempting to try to diminish what you two had to make it hurt less. But I’ve gotten to know you both pretty well by now, and—I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re no helpless gazelle.”
Grey laughed, a half-choked sob. Nora continued. “Obviously, I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship. But regardless of how it started, it looked pretty goddamn real to me. It’s okay to mourn it however feels right for you, whether that means seeing him now or not.”
Grey dabbed her napkin at the corners of her eyes. She laughed again, a hysterical gasp bubbling up through her chest. “I guess the fact that I’m getting this worked up when I haven’t even heard from him yet is a sign that we still have some unfinished business to work through.”
Nora smiled sympathetically, tilting back her mug to catch the last drops of her latte.
“Whatever you decide to do, just remember: don’t underestimate yourself. You’re very powerful. It’s easy to let him steamrollyou—by ‘you’ I mean me, too. Everyone. He’s used to the universe bending over backward to give him whatever he wants. But I know part of why he loves you is you’ve never been afraid to say no to him.”
They sat there chatting for a few more minutes before going their separate ways, but all Grey heard echoing in her head was:that’s why he loves you.
Notloved.
Loves.
THOUGH GREY WAS GRATEFUL TONora for giving her the heads-up that Ethan was in town, now she couldn’t walk down the street without doing a double take at every tall, dark-haired man she passed. Her heart leapt every time her phone buzzed. She felt resentment building toward him for putting her in this position, in perpetual anticipation, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Two nights after her coffee date with Nora, it did.
The production ofUncle Vanyawas in a small theater in the round, the audience crowding the actors on all sides. Shortly after Grey’s first entrance, she spotted him; not in the front row, but two or three rows back. When she met his eyes, it felt like she had been struck by lightning.
He was leaning forward in his seat, arms resting on his knees, staring at her with intense concentration. The dimmed lights blurred his features somewhat, but from the way he drew her focus, the lighting designer might as well have swung the spotlight right to him. She felt naked under his gaze, despite her smotheringlayers of nineteenth-century clothing, and struggled in vain to regain her composure.
Grey moved through the first two acts in a haze, the lines and blocking thankfully second nature to her by now. When she returned to her dressing room at intermission, he had already texted her. Small mercies.
Sorry
didn’t know I would be so close
I didn’t want to distract u
can I see u after
?
Whether or not he’d become a whole new man since the last time she’d seen him, his texting style certainly hadn’t changed. Her fingers flew over the screen.
it’s okay
yeah, come to the stage door. i’ll put you on the list.
—
ETHAN TOOK Adeep breath and rapped on Grey’s dressing room door.
“Come in,” she called from inside, her voice muffled.
When he pushed the door open, she was facing away from him, still in costume, wiping off her stage makeup. She met his eyes through the mirror and paused.
“Hi.”
