“You have always been the loyal type,” Tae said.
She smiled and lowered her eyes. “You’re the definition of the word,” she said. “Word on the street is you’re seeing someone out in Chicago?” she asked casually.
How did she manage to keep turning the conversation back on him? He didn’t want to talk about himself. He didn’t want to be examined only to have all his huge cracks exposed. “We broke up a few months ago when I decided to come back home.” Tae didn’t think Kari would appreciate him talking about their relationship to someone else. So he left it at that instead of going into how it wasn’t actually that serious in the first place.
Julia nodded slowly, taking in the new information she’dbeen given. “It has to have been tough putting your life in Chicago on hold and being out here for your family. It’s really amazing, the sacrifices you’ve made.”
And there was that blush again. “Thing is, it hasn’t really been that tough. I mean, my dad being sick sucked big-time. But now that he’s on the mend, I just don’t feel the rush to get back to Chicago.”
Julia nodded again, letting the silence grow. Tae was curious what she was thinking but wasn’t sure he could handle any judgment on his life at the moment.
“Well, as attractive as I personally find a girl with a notebook, make sure not to pull it out during the dates themselves.”
“As if,” she snorted. God, she was cute.
“One of the things we should practice today is paying attention to the person you’re with. It’s good for a man’s ego. And don’t take this personally, but it’s definitely something you need to work on.”
“Really?” She opened her mouth to protest further, but Tae jumped in.
“Don’t get defensive. I’ve just noticed that your mind goes at a mile a minute, especially when you’re not one hundred percent comfortable with whatever situation you’re in. You were this way when we were kids too. So you tend to be thinking ahead rather than listening. You’re thinking on commenting on their clothes or their work or—”
“Did Rachel and Sonia rat me out? The bowling shirt was unfortunate, but he wasn’t broken by the comment.”
“Julia, relax. Look at me,” Tae said. Julia’s eyes focused in on Tae’s. The big, round, light brown eyes caught him off guard. He hadn’t been prepared for their entire focus.
He cleared his throat. “Um, do you have any food allergies?”
“No. I tell people I’m allergic to tomatoes, but it’s a lie to not have to explain that I just don’t like them.”
“You’re a nut,” Tae said.
“In my experience, way too many people just can’t comprehend if someone doesn’t like tomatoes. It’s like I’ve committed a food crime.”
Tae had never even thought about it. You don’t like something, don’t eat it. “Okay, I’m gonna start picking out some dishes. Write this down.”
Julia nodded and listened as Tae called over the server and ordered their meal.
“Can I ask you something?” A thought had been niggling in Tae’s brain the last couple days, and he might as well put it out there.
“Sure, shoot,” Julia said.
“I’ve known you a long time. And you’re super cool. You’re nice and funny and generous and smart. I can’t wrap my head around why your dates haven’t been more successful in the past. So I’m wondering...”
She raised her eyebrows, waiting. She didn’t seem mad. She just seemed curious at what his theory might be.
“Do you think you might subconsciously sabotage dates? What I’m asking is—well, maybe you don’t really want to be in a relationship right now. What with everything going on with your career and success. And so maybe you don’t let your true self show when meeting new people.”
Tae recalled Julia mentioning something like this that day on the playground when she’d had too much to drink. They’d never spoken about that day, never discussed some of the things Julia had shared while tipsy. He was quite sure she didn’t even remember opening up the way she had, especially since it was the first time they’d spoken in years. But Tae remembered. And he was curious to know more, to dig deeper, to figure out the puzzle that was Julia Song.
Besides, Julia would need to address it if she was ever going to be successful at dating. And it was technically his job to help make that happen.
“That’s interesting,” she said, looking out the window, pondering. She turned back to Tae. “I don’tmeanto sabotage dates. But I might be subconsciously doing so, out of rebellion or sheer stubbornness. Or protecting myself from getting hurt? I’ve just always hated feeling like I had to tone myself down in any way to impress a man or, worse, to avoid intimidating him.
“But turning thirty has amped up the pressure a few notches, for sure. And being single is starting to feel like some form of failure. I’ve just never understood why married-with-children was the default and a woman has to explain why she’sstill single. No one asks a woman to explain choosing to be married or a mother.
“I mean, I eventually do want a relationship. But I’ve always wanted that to bemychoice. And with each new year, it feels like it’s become less and less so.” She shrugged.
Tae reached over and squeezed her hand. He appreciated so much what she was saying. He’d been wondering some of these things about himself lately. Was he sabotaging life in order to rebel against expectations that he hadn’t signed up for? “This is exactly what I’m feeling these days too.”
