Matthew listened on as the guide’s lecture continued, reflecting that she could in fact be speaking about Sarah. It was her appreciation for the intangible and immaterial, and her selfless nature, something he had never found before, but knew he desperately needed to ground him in life.
Sarah pulled an elastic from her wrist and finger-brushed her hair into a short messy ponytail. Matthew’s attention was immediately drawn to the nape of her neck. From behind, he lowered his lips to her skin and left her one soft tender kiss. She clasped his cheek with her hand and closed her eyes. As her knees threatened to give way under her, she turned her head ever so slightly and Matthew whispered, ‘I love you, Sarah.’
She never tired of hearing it, or saying it in return. As he moved to pull away, she caught his cheek again and pulled him closer. ‘Ti amo, amore.’
Sarah was still growing in confidence with her Italian, and she rarely found a use for it with Matthew. Hearing her speak it – a profession of love for him – drew prickles of desire across every inch of his skin. She felt him press his chest against the back of her shoulders. ‘Puoi ripetere, per favore?’ he whispered.
As his warm breath caressed her cheek, she obeyed. ‘Ti amo, amore.’
They continued around the altar, hand-in-hand. It wasn’t until they had exited the lower church and were back outside in the piazza that Sarah said, ‘Oh, just so you know, I didn’t pack the little red lace number.’ She watched as a little spark of hope extinguished behind his eyes before adding, ‘I’m wearing it.’
And Matthew’s resolve – surrounded by pilgrims, the elderly and churchgoers alike – promptly shattered into a million pieces.
Picking at theantipastoplatter on the unfeasibly small table between them, Matthew and Sarah watched as the moon appeared behind thebasilica. Their balcony view was among the highest of Assisi, which gave them just enough privacy and an enviable vantage point.
Matthew topped off Sarah’s glass of wine and popped another small wedge of black truffle-flecked cheese into his mouth.
Sarah picked at the grapes and leaned back into her chair. ‘You’re looking particularly gorgeous tonight,’ she said, tossing Matthew a glance.
‘Youalwayslook gorgeous.’
What she wanted to say was,We’d make gorgeous babies, but the turn of phrase was too loaded, so she quickly buried it. Instead, she reached across and took his hand. The gesture caused her pashmina to drop from her shoulder, revealing a scalloped line of delicate red lace.
Matthew’s eyes fixed themselves on the moon for support as he asked, ‘Permission to change my answer?’
A sudden shift in his energy caused Sarah to turn. ‘What answer?’
‘The answer I gave to Dr Stefania’s question about my greatest fear.’ Sarah nodded. ‘Losingyou, Sarah. That’s my greatest fear.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘I wish I could just give myself to you now. All in. Forever. I really do. But the fact that I can’t, that there are so many risks involved, so many variables . . . it’s really holding me back, and I’m struggling.’
Sarah turned in her chair and her head dropped to the right to size him up. ‘Struggling? What’s wrong? Have I done somethi—’
‘No. Nothing. You are . . . You are everything. The issue isme.Mysituation.’
Her eyes darted frantically across his face. ‘What do you mean you’re struggling?’
He dropped his elbows to his knees, leaned forward and his face fell to his palms. ‘I don’t think I could bear losing you now, Sarah. If this all fell apart at the end. If something went wrong. Not withus, I mean. I’m talking about the family trust. If it all just went pear-shaped . . . I’m terrified that you will get hurt, or be disappointed if it didn’t go to plan. If it turns into a huge shit show with Luca and Silvia.’ As a cold sweat raced up his neck, he looked into her eyes and said, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drop all that on you at once. I’m just worried about all the unknowns and how they may affect you. Andus.’
She exhaled a short breath and manoeuvred her way as best as she could to Matthew. Dropping into a deep squat, she dipped down beside him and looked up at his sullen and drawn face. ‘I am here foryou, right? I don’t care in the slightest about any of the material stuff: names, titles, money, what have you. What’s important to me is that you are by my side.’
‘I want to imagine a life for us beyond this. But the nagging anxiety, all the uncertainties . . . I’m trying my best not to count my chickens.’
‘Are you talking about the inheritance?’
‘I’m talking aboutus. At the end of this mess, I wantusto still be standing. But I worry that the obstacles and challenges that this process poses might derail that. We have already been diverted from the original plan.’
‘Have you not enjoyed this new path?’
‘I have. It has taught me so much in a very limited time. And honestly, as busy as we have been, the slower life has been so . . . wonderful.’ He sighed.
‘I know. I hear you.’ Sarah gently stroked Matthew’s arm. ‘You can’t control any of the process mess.Thatwe will eventually have to face. All that you can control is us, right now. We’re here. We’re together. I’m wearing very sexy lingerie, and you are looking deliciously vulnerable, and those green eyes are testing me for all they’re worth.’ He gave a subdued laugh. ‘Matthew, I came on this journey with you for a reboot. I needed a kickstart and a refocus. I never once, even for a second, thought that I might actually fall in love with the most incredible man. But I have. I couldn’t control that. It just happened. Life is lived in the shadows of grey. I know you need your black and white, but please, listen to me. It’s here in the grey where joy thrives.’
He took her hands into his, and caressed the spot on her finger where her wedding band used to reside. ‘Nonno told me that you’ll know you’ve found the real thing when the fear of losing them terrifies you.’
‘Sage advice.’
