‘Look, I don’t even know if I should be asking you this. Or if I even have the right to ask, but I’m just curious . . . And by all means, tell me to shut up and get my nose out of your business if you like. But I’m wondering about . . . the scars. Across your pelvis.’ He winced, both at how stupid he now felt for having actually asked and for the confused expression plastered across Sarah’s face.
Sarah exhaled and her shoulders dropped. ‘They’re that obvious, hey?’ She rolled her eyes at her situation.
He gave a wry nod. ‘Want to talk about it?’
‘I have endometriosis.’ Sarah gave Matthew a sheepish, defeated smile. ‘Do you know what that is?’
‘I’ve heard of it, but no, not really.’
She cleared her throat, took another sip of tea, and drew in a long purposeful breath. ‘It’s a gynaecological condition – more common than you might think – where tissues like those that usually grow inside a woman’s uterus grow on the outside, inthisarea.’ She gestured with a hand to just below her belly button. ‘The tissues can also adhere to and between the organs.’ Matthew stayed quiet, listening intently. ‘It throws your cycle out of whack, mucks with your hormones and bowels and can be super painful.’ Her eyes instinctively closed, reliving some of it. ‘It can bedebilitating. Sex can be almost impossible, and . . .’ she steeled herself, feigning strength when all she wanted was to crumble, ‘. . . it can cause fertility issues.’
Matthew heard her swallow deeply, noting how the skin under her eyes darkened. He reached across and took her hands into his. ‘I’m so sorry, Sarah. I had no idea.’
‘It’s ok. It’s been literally decades of this for me. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t dealing with it in some way, shape or form. We call ourselves Endo Warriors.’
Matthew put it all together. ‘That’s why you wrote “Warrior” on Dr Stefania’s Flag note.’
‘Unfortunately.’
‘So, the scars?’
‘Past procedures. Surgeries. Mostly laparoscopic. Others more invasive. One didn’t go to plan and my bowel was accidentally perforated on the table. That quickly went from keyhole surgery to a larger emergency cut.’ She forced a smile. ‘I like to think of them as my battle scars. They don’t define me, but they’re a permanent reminder of my past, and how my future looks.’ He squeezed her hands tighter. Though her eyes averted his, Matthew’s eyes never left her. ‘My endo is quite severe. It’s basically all through me here.’ She ran her right hand across her lower abdomen. ‘I’m in a procedure cycle. Every few years, I have the tissues removed – well, what they can remove without damaging my bowel and ovaries – and it buys me time.’
‘Time for what?’
‘Time withlesspain. Time to enjoy sex. Time to . . . well . . . having children will likely be an issue for me.’ She withdrew her now clammy hands from Matthew’s hold and tucked her fists between her thighs. ‘I’m a “reproductive liability”.’
‘Who told you that?’
Sarah’s eyes welled and she snapped them tightly shut. ‘My ex. Simon. He . . . uh . . . we were together for seven years. His non-negotiable was having a family.’ She nodded her head gently, as if trying to convince herself that she was in the right. ‘I couldn’t guarantee him that, so . . .’
‘He left you?’
‘Almost a year ago now.’ A solitary tear ran down the side of Sarah’s nose. She wiped it away with the back of her hand. ‘He wasn’t willing to risk not having a family. Not forme.’
Matthew sighed, devastated at seeing Sarah so upset. He was equally upset with himself for having stirred this all up in the first place. ‘Sarah . . . I . . .’
‘It’s ok,’ she reassured him, regaining her composure. ‘He did what he had to do. I respect that. I wouldn’t have wanted him to resent me down the track. It’s best this way.’
‘You’re so strong, Sarah. You should be so proud of how you carry yourself, and who you are.’
She looked back at Matthew with red, watery eyes. ‘Iwasn’t enough for him. He needed more than just me.’
Matthew scooped her up and she melted into his strong embrace. He felt her relax her weight against his chest, and he softly caressed the back of her neck through her hair. ‘You aremorethan enough. Never forget that.’
‘I’m at the point now that I’m questioning it all, Matthew.’ She paused to catch her breath. ‘At what point does my health take precedence?’ He didn’t reply, he just continued to hold her in his arms. ‘My quality of life can be exceptionally low when I’m having a flare-up. I keep catching myself fantasising about what life could be like without any of it.’
‘It?’ he asked in a hushed voice.
‘My uterus. What if I had it out? I know it won’t fix the endo, but it might help my symptoms. Less stress, less bloating and fluctuating sizes, and the pain during sex! Is it selfish to want my own freedom instead of children? I don’t know. I’m so torn.’ She began to cry again, this time more openly and Matthew shifted her in his arms. Her chin now rested on his shoulder, and he wrapped both arms tightly around her middle.
‘Putting your own wellbeing first is never something to question, Sarah. There’s only one you, and there are lots of options out there for couples with fertility challenges. Things aren’t so clear-cut these days.’
‘I know,’ she sniffed. ‘But finding someone willing to walk that journey . . .’ she exhaled frustratedly, ‘is very challenging. Some people won’t hang their hopes on “maybe”.Maybethis could happen.Maybewe won’t have any issues. People don’t wantmaybe. They want certainty.’
‘Have you been told it won’t happen? Definitely?’
‘Not that itwon’thappen. Just that it will be a challenge. And I don’t know what that will look like until I actively start to try for a family with a partner. The old catch-22.’ She inhaled deeply and wiped the remnants of a tear from her cheek. ‘I’m thirty-seven, Matthew. Most women have already done all that by now anyway. Biology is working against me too. It’s not just about getting pregnant, it’s about carrying safely to term and managing my health during a pregnancy. There are so many risk factors.’
