“That’s good,” I tell him. He doesn’t want to talk to me. He doesn’t say it, but his silence does. “Are you still in Rome?”
“No, I’m actually in LA at the moment.”
He’s gone. He’s gone, gone. A tremor of anxiety moves through me, trying to gain a foothold, but I manage to hold it off.
“That’s exciting. You officially made the move, then?”
He pauses and I wait for his answer on bated breath. “I did. Last week. I didn’t expect to find a place so fast, but once I got here it all worked out.”
Of course it did. I’m surprised by how steady my voice is when I answer. “I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks. My mom isn’t totally thrilled, but I’m sure she’ll come around.”
“She will,” I assure him. “You could move to the Arctic and she would still visit you multiple times a year. In a printed snowsuit, no less.” I’m hoping to get a chuckle or a sense of reprieve but receive neither. Seconds tick by and I’m about to attempt even more painful small talk when Matt swiftly jumps in.
“Alright, well, as great as it is catching up, I have a lot I have to get done today so I should get going.”
Oh no. He’s going to hang up. I can’t let this phone call be for nothing. I have to say something. Something that matters. And I have to say it now.
“I read your pages,” I blurt out. “The manuscript pages you gave me. I didn’t throw them away.” He says nothing and I continue, “I had no idea the book was about your dad. It’s really, really good.” I pause again, giving Matt a chance to speak but he stays quiet, so I go on, “Your dad was such an interesting man, and you talked about him with so much care. Reading your writing gave me a real sense of who you are, and who you are is great. You’re a wonderful person, Matt.”
He still doesn’t speak, and I start to wonder if he hung up. I look down at the screen and see that we’re still connected. We are. I keep talking.
“I want to apologize for how I treated you that last night in Rome. I was in a bad headspace, not that that makes how I treated you okay, but I just—”
“Violet,” he quickly says, cutting me off. “You don’t have to do this. I’m fine. I understand.”
“I don’t think that you do, though. I had just gotten bad news at work, and I was looking for something or someone to blame. I hate what I said, and I hate how I acted, and you deserve an explanation and an apology.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he insists. “We both knew from the start that getting mixed up in the excitement of what we were doing was a bad idea. You were very clear about that, and I shouldn’t have kept trying to push you into something you didn’t want.”
His reply is completely unaffected. Totally at peace. So much so that I start to think that maybe I convinced myself that he cared about me way more than he did. Or maybe his walls are up now. Up for good. He let me past them for a while but clearly, those days are done.
My voice catches a bit, but I still respond. “You didn’t push me into anything that I didn’t want. I’ve just always struggled with balancing my priorities and that’s something I need to work on.”
He doesn’t even pause before speaking again, and that’s how I know exactly where this conversation is going. Matt isn’t nervous. He isn’t scrambling as he’s thinking about what’s right or what he should say. His mind’s made up. There’s no going back to the way we were.
“I get that,” he says. “You’ve worked very hard to get to this point and I understand that your career is your priority. It should be.”
“But I want you to be one of my priorities, too.” My words shock even me. Still, I said them. I can’t take them back, and I wouldn’t if I could. The silence that follows feels like the longest I’ve ever endured, even though it only lasts a few seconds.
“And I’d like you to be a priority for me,” he says. My heart soars. It doesn’t get far. “But I just don’t see any scenario where you and I can work.”
I swallow my disappointment and it goes down like a knife as Matt goes on, “I’m not going to lie. When we were in Rome, I did think we could figure something out. Or maybe I just thought that way because it’s what I wanted. But after you left, and I thought it through, there’s no way we could play this out where we both win. I’m in LA and you’re in New York. Plus, you know what I’m like. It would only be a matter of time before you got sick of me.”
“That’s not true,” I tell him, my voice barely audible.
“Listen, I’m sorry, but I really should go. I hope everything works out with the contest. You’re very talented and it’s only a matter of time until the world sees it, too.”
This is it now. The real goodbye. The very last one. I don’t want it to be, but it is.
“Thanks, Matt,” I squeak out. “And if you ever do go ahead with writingViolet and MeTake Capri, I expect a lengthy shout-out in the acknowledgments.”
He doesn’t answer right away, and it makes me wonder if it’s because he’s smiling. I hope it is.
“Take care, Violet.”
“You, too.” I hang up fast so I don’t have to hear the line go dead, and I slowly place the phone back onto the cutting table. I wish I could go back. I wish I could change things, but at least I tried. Matt’s worth trying for. If he took anything from my call, I hope it’s that.
