“And two, stop. I’m not you.” She could never be Julie. Julie was fifty-four and still hung out at bars and country clubs, dating anyone and everyone. She’d never had any qualms about it, either. Julie had always viewed sex as a necessary bodily function, and relationships as phases.Whereas Amy had always thought she was a one-man woman and still scarred from a Catholic upbringing when it came to sex.
“Okay, but you get my point. It would be great if you could, you know, enjoy yourself. He’s handsome, he cooks, he’s obviously okay to be around if you are having dinner.”
“He’s more than okay, he’s fun. But I don’t just fall in bed with a warm body. I don’t know him well enough for that.”
Except that she’d thought about doing that more than once this evening. No, her reluctance came from a much deeper place than a few flimsy morals. What if she wasn’t any good at it? Could she even do it if she was rusty and old? A divorce did a lot of things to a person’s confidence. Even if one’s ex insisted it wasn’t her, or their sex life, or anything else but himself, one couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it was her fault for being less than spectacular in the bedroom department. Julie hadcostumes. Amy had never worn a costume for sex in her life.
And to be fair, it wasn’t like she’d been champing at the bit to hop into bed with Ryan in the last few years. Kids had a way of draining all the youthful energy out of you.
“Don’t overthink it,” Julie said, somehow reading her mind. “It’s just a hookup. A mutual scratching of itches. You don’t have to marry him, you know.”
“But…” Amy looked at herself in the mirror. Why was it so hard to have sex for sex’s sake? Could she take her clothes off in front of a stranger?
“But what?” Julie prodded her.
“But…I don’t know. I feel too old for this.”
“Forsex?”
“For flirting. For knowing how to even get there. And it would have to be in pitch-black conditions because my body isn’t what it used to be.”
“Neither is his. Listen, you don’t have to flirt at all and hope he makes a pass. The rules have changed since you were sixteen, Amy. We’veevolved! You simply ask him if he’s down for fooling around. People get together just for sex all the time.”
“Right…I heard it’s usually neighbors.”
“Exactly,” Julie said.
“What if the sex is awful?”
“Well, then you obviously have to come home early and ghost him.”
Amy laughed. “Obviously. But what ifIam awful?”
Julie said nothing for a moment. Then, “Amy…do you like sex?”
“Yes!” she said emphatically. “I mean…from what I remember, I really do. But it’s been a long time and Ryan and I—”
“If you like it, and you get that tab A goes into slot B, you can’t be bad at it. Trust me.”
Amy didn’t know if she could trust Julie at all. She probably knew how to do it in swings and in airplane bathrooms. “Yeah.” She sighed. “Well, thanks for the advice, Jules, but I think I’ll just do what I came here to do.”
Julie groaned. “Speaking of which, how is the painting going?”
“Awful. I thought I would be so inspired that I’d be knocking them out. But my muse is slow to get with the program. She thinks she is on vacation. I did one sketch and I hate it. I have to find my sea legs. I’m going to start fresh in the morning.” She heard a sudden gush of water, like someone had turned on a hose. She realized it was coming from outside. She went to the window and opened the blinds. The skies had opened; a deluge had taken the place of a gentle rain.
Great. She wished there was a fire in the living room. And some brandy. Wait…shecould make a fire. She’d made dozens of them when Jonah was in Boy Scouts. “Hey, I have to go,” she said.
“Just let yourself breathe, Amy. A healthy physical release could be good for your creative flow. Also, the snowstorm. You’ll be painting while it snows outside, just like an HGTV show.”
“It’s not going to snow, and maybe you’re the one who needs help with the creative flow.”
“One hundred percent, I do,” Julie said cheerfully, because she was incorrigible.
“I’ll talk to you later,” Amy said and hung up, wondering if she could be as incorrigible as Julie. Or even half. Just once, she’d like to step out of her life and be someone else. She just didn’t know if she had the courage to do it.
8
As Harrison was finishing up in the kitchen, he smelled smoke. His first thought was that the tree had caught on fire. He ignored his knee, stiff from sitting at the table, and sprinted into the living room.
