‘And is that you, Erica?’ Cassia pulls a fake bemused face at me.
‘It’s me, Cassia,’ I say. We mwah mwah and Cassia does a kind of weird sigh.
‘It’s sooooo lovely that you managed to come up here from the… … country, Erica. And what an effort you made with your outfit. What’s the headline for this one? Something about how you couldn’t make your Halloween costume without breaking some eggs?’ She dissolves into laughter.
Nandy and I stare at her.
‘You know, it’s like a pun,’ Cassia continues. ‘You love puns! And your face is like an omelette!’
The exclamation marks are exhausting.
‘Aren’t the decorations… decadent?’ She keeps going. ‘Let’s take a selfie together!’
I don’t say anything, so Nandy takes over. ‘No, thanks… We’ll catch up with you later Cassia, we’re just going to get a drink.’She drags me off in the direction of Merlyn before Cassia has a chance to reply.
When we reach her, grabbing drinks from a tray on the way, Merlyn looks at Nandy and grins. ‘Are you Mumtaz fromBrahmachari, Nandita? How fabulous.’
‘I knewyouwould get it straight away Merl, you’re such a legend,’ says Nandy.
Merlyn turns to me and laughs, ABBA wig quivering. ‘And Erica, that’s quite the look, my dear.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘Not sure what I was thinking, to be honest.’
‘It’s wonderful,’ says Merlyn. ‘I so enjoyedThe Last of Us.’
Merlyn has managed to make me feel like I wrote the screenplay, rather than just bought a mask on Etsy. I love her for that and feel better, or maybe drunker, I’m not sure. We stand and talk and laugh about people’s costumes until Nandy wanders off to dance.
‘So… what was the proposition you mentioned?’ I say to Merlyn.
‘Oh yes… well. The thing is…’ she trails off. ‘It’s rather disconcerting speaking to you looking like that. But it certainly confirms your interest in transformation, which is promising.’
I smile underneath the omelette. Here it comes – a commission. Sounds like it could be a big one if it’s going to transform my career, and frankly, I could do with the cash to buy some dumbbells.
‘Erica, an opportunity has come up to try a new beauty treatment and I think you would be the ideal person to do so.’ She scans my mask for a reaction. Behind it, my face has fallen.
‘Hear me out,’ continues Merlyn. ‘This isn’t like anything you might have tried before.’
‘What is it, some new kind of Botox?’ I sound snappy. But no wonder. Over the years, I’ve tested treatment after serum after supplement. There was the much-hyped DermaLift Pro™facial in 2015, which promised theage-defying beauty of Salma Hayek– but left me with cheeks so lumpy I looked like I was storing acorns for the spring. Oh and Eterna®, that hand-held electrical contouring device that Jennifer Aniston was rumoured to be using. Thank god it was a freebie, as it did precisely nothing and I eventually gave it to Simon’s kids, saying it was an angry alien robot. Then there was that plankton supplement I had to suck out of a sachet ‘on rising’. I’d admittedly agreed to trial it due to the potential for a funny headline (Licence To Krill,Krill Or Cure… this one was like shooting fish in a barrel, pun very much intended). But it made no difference to my fine lines and uneven pigmentation, and tasted like the fish paste Mother Pells used to put in my sandwiches in the Eighties.
‘Merlyn, I’ve tried it all. You of all people should know that. I’m not interested in looking “fresher”. And the alternative is looking like Mufasa. So…’
‘This is different, my dear. This is…’ She leans in. ‘Quite extraordinary.’ She pronounces every single syllable:ex-tra-or-din-air-ee.
Maybe this is the revolutionary new treatment that I’ve heard whispers about from some of my editors… I soften a little, feeling special. ‘Tell me more.’
‘It’s called WULT®, which stands for “Woke Up Like This”. It’s top secret at the moment, Erica, but seriously, Yuvana Labs who created it think they might have struck gold. It’s nanotechnology. D’you know what that is?’
It rings a bell… then I remember. It’s inAnt Man.Paul Rudd really is the gift that keeps on giving.
‘Like mini robots?’
‘Pretty much. They go into your stem cells and reset the ageing process. So far, it’s only been tested on rats and a handful of clinical human trials, but Erica, my dear, we’re allveryexcited.’
For some reason all I can think of is the rat that stared at me on the tube earlier. Was it a sign?
‘That sounds very erm…new? I think I’ve heard about it though.’
‘It is new, Erica. But it’s ready. And safe. And…’ She looks over her shoulder as if anyone listening would possibly be able to hear us over the music. ‘We think it will make those who have the treatment look…’
