Chapter Twenty-Three
Love this for you
Checking my email inbox used to fill me with the same kind of dread as opening an unrecognisable Tupperware pot from the back of the fridge. One of those ones with a shadowy form inside, an aroma reminiscent of pet shops and a slightly bulging lid. These days though, work is considerably less stressful. And because money is coming in, I don’t have to constantly beg features editors to write 600-word articles about, for example, hydrating eye serums (calledNot A Dry Eye In The House) – then anxiously await an email in return saying, ‘It’s not one for us, but thanks!’ How anyone could turn down a headline like that is a mystery to me.
This morning, the day after the#ama, I have seven unread emails. Of these, one is spam from a personal injury lawyer about my ‘accident at work’ – unlikely, considering the most dangerous thing I ever do is turn my Viva La Vulva up to level three, which is what Gwyneth suggests anyway. Another, excitingly, is a response to my email to a recruitment company telling me about a junior copywriter role at a ‘multi-disciplinary’ agency called Behold The Banana, who apparently want to get me in for an interview. Then there’s one from Ancestry.com, telling me that they ‘have a hint’ I am related to Simon Pells. So do I, Ancestry.com, so do I.
As for the remaining emails, I can see one from Merlyn, one from Channing, one from Simon (eye roll), and one from an email address I don’t recognise: [email protected]. Probably more spam. Dragging one of Devon’s blankets, and dressed in a cute little Lazy Girl aesthetic pyjama set I wouldn’thave even considered pre-WULT®, I carry my coffee and laptop out onto the balcony to make the most of a gorgeous, sunny spring morning. Then I dive in.
Erica,
I wanted to apologise for dashing off the other day – something came up atLusciousthat I had to attend to post-haste. I hope your Youth Review went well. Yuvana are delighted with the success of your social media promotions… WULT® Woman is becoming quite the celebrity it seems, and you are a natural! Of course, predictably, there’s been some criticism of the concept from the usual ‘age gracefully’ brigade, but that was always going to be the case. If anything crops up that you need support in dealing with, you know where I am.
Baci
M
I begin writing a reply to tell Merlyn about that Sonia woman’s comment and Cassia lurking on my live last night (and ask her if she knows whether Devon’s blankets are machine washable) but then delete it. As she says, that was always going to be the case, and Cassia was bound to find out, and she’ll definitely recognise me as we worked together when we were younger. Either that or she’ll think I’m AI generated. But I’d quite like her to know I was picked for something instead of her. And it won’t get back to my family before I get the chance to tell them, because they aren’t even on Instagram. It’s not exactly a matter for the national press either.
I move onto the next email, which is from Channing.
Hey gurl
OMG the #ama last night was iconic fr. And you hit the big 100K! OBSESSED.
So… yr making friends in London? Love this for you. BTW I don’t really speak in a Gen Z way so not really sure what you mean lol?!? only advice I can rlly give you is maybe hold back on those salty things you say that sound like your grandma… something about ‘Too many cooks’ or soup or whatever it was you said on our call last week. I mean srsly big yikes, you’ll get found out and cancelled for sure.
lysm, Chan
Broth, Channing. BROTH. As for the rest of the email, it’s going to take about an hour of googling to decipher it. Maybe later… For now, let’s see what my solar panel of a brother has to say.
Dear Erica,
Mum relayed that you are in London? Thanks for letting me know.
I’m emailing because I found a potential retirement flat for her in Bristol. I haven’t mentioned it – I think it’s prudent for us to look at it first before broaching the subject. It’s a ground floor, which I think would be perfect for her – patio doors straight out into the garden.
Will you be able to view it with me? Timings are currently difficult as Alannah has taken the boys to Australia for six weeks and I am tied to home somewhat due to my Lion’s Mane (huge therapeutic potential – not sure if you’re familiar?). But hopefully we can make something work.
Let me know.
Simon
Simon Pells CAO (Chief Awesomeness Officer)
Cabbidge
A bat corridor was commissioned in West Sussex to offset the impact of this email
Ugh. He’s so pompous.Prudent– who says that? I swig my coffee and look out towards the Gherkin or the Shard orwhatever it is. It looks a lot better than the budgie cage in Mrs Belcher’s window, which was the view from my front window back in Wiltshire.
I open the last email, the one from [email protected].
Erica – I hope you don’t mind me emailing. I much prefer this way of communicating to messages, which I suppose is a little old-fashioned.
We didn’t part on the best terms, and you might not be keen to hear from me, but I felt I should give it one more try. I meant it when I said I like you for who you are – that includes who you are now. I miss our chats. If you’re up for it, I’d love to grab a coffee and catch up sometime.
All the best
