Chapter Twelve
Age before beauty
Yuvana Labs gave me a goodie bag to take home after the treatment. It contained a packet of Grub’s Up chocolate-coated crickets, some gold under-eye gel patches – which frankly I have more of in my fridge than cheese – and an ‘ionic’ shower head with ‘three innovative spray modes’. I’ve had some crappy goodie bags at beauty PR events in my time – a low point being one containing a pregnancy test and a Barack Obama mask – but seriously, you’ve just burrowed into my brain, give me a bottle of fizz already.
Also, inside the gold embossed, Yuvana Labs branded gift bag was an iPad, for me to use to write my ‘transformation diary’, as instructed by Dr Marcus. The iPad is also gold, with curly writing on the back:Age Before Beauty. This annoys me somewhat as it doesn’t really make sense – surely that’s what you say to someone older when you let them go first, to be a bit cheeky? Did they think it was meaningful? Or a pun? I could have told them a thing or two about puns if they’d asked me. JEEZ.
The iPad has been lying on my sofa since I got home from London. Each day, I have to answer the same four questions, in as much detail as possible, treating it ‘like a journal’ – which suits me fine, having nobody to talk to about the treatment, apart from Merlyn I suppose, but all she says is that it will be ‘incredible, Erica my dear’. Each time I submit my answers, I also have to use the iPad to take a selfie, which I send at the same time. Once both are done, a giant tick appears on the screen followed by an overly close-up picture of Peach Jumpsuit, smiling in approval.
Day One
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Sore nose/head. I also have creaky ankles, especially when I get up, but this has been bothering me for a while. Other than that, generally tired, irritable and more often than not, in need of the toilet (this is not new). Also, just remembered the anxiety, dull skin, sleep issues, facial hair, brain fog, and don’t get me started on my vagina. Bet you’re glad you asked.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
I don’t really know. Excited but also not sure if I should be excited. Apprehensive. Jittery. Wobbly. I think I need something to calm me down.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
Appearance worse today (even bigger shadows under eyes). Perhaps this is the effect of the sedation or the nose injector/probe thingy?
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
Haven’t seen anyone. I may see a Deliveroo rider shortly.
Day Two
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Headache/nose ache is better although not fully gone. I’ve only taken two ibuprofen (four yesterday). Went to the toilet slightly less last night but I think I’m dehydrated as I had some Cava delivered by way of a celebration. I’m not going to make a fuss, but this would have been a welcome addition to the goodie bag instead of the chocolate insects. Just some feedback.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Weepy. Could be the Cava. Also watched the end ofThe Good Placeagain and the bit when Chidi walks through the door gets me every time.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
I’m not sure if it’s related to the treatment but when I put my bra on this morning there was less ‘hoicking’. I could be wrong though, maybe my bra straps moved in the wash. Otherwise, I’d say, my skin looks okay, possibly slightly brighter than it usually does post sparkling wine.
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
Not been out again. Could have gone to the shops but opted to have a freezer dinner for financial reasons (a sausage roll garland from the M&S Festive Platters range that I forgot to take to my mother’s house at Christmas). Speaking of which, can you let me know when the paperwork is coming over about the promo activity as I’d like to send you my first invoice and I don’t have a PO number.
Day Three
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Okay. Didn’t need any painkillers when I woke up and only went to the toilet once in the night. Also noticed I wasn’t walking like Mrs Overall for the first few minutes after I got up – you may not get this reference so I will just say google it, if you’ve never watched Victoria Wood, you really should.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Better after my hangover yesterday. Reading back through the paperwork I realise it says you’re not meant to drink for the first ten days so apologies for that, I got carried away – it’s a lot to take in. This is why my first selfie was a bit odd too, so I’d probably delete that one, I was just trying something.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
A couple of things – firstly, the grey hairs around my temples are pretty much gone. There weren’t many and it’s not like I would ever wear my hair scraped back (I’d look like Miss Trunchbull) but that’s a nice development. Also, I noticed a definite improvement in skin firmness when I was doing my gua sha lymphatic drainage with an energising oil this morning (I am still busy writing magazine reviews by the way, as I haven’t got the paperwork through from your accounts department yet – just another nudge on that).
