Later, at home, I’m eating cheese and watching a YouTube clip I found of Gabe playing ‘Shallow’ from the Lady Gaga film on the piano with one of his students. He’s really good. I zoom in on his hands and wonder if YouTube tells you who is looking at your videos and/or how many times. Paranoid, I switch to Instagram and there’s Cassia, posting pictures of her Margot Tenenbaum outfit: ‘It’s time for theLusciousHalloween party#GRWM(Get Ready With Me)!’ She even posted some pictures from the party itself. I scan them and can see one with me in the background, talking to Merlyn. I look completely bizarre from the side with my mask on, all slouched next to Merlyn with her wonderful posture. Thankfully, due to my costume, nobody would know it’s me.
I spread some Chaumes on a cracker. It’s quite a punchy one, with base notes of my mother’s cat Eartha’s litter tray… It’sdisappointing, as Say Cheese normally gets it so right. It isn’t really helping my two-day hangover either. I push the tray aside and putThe Good Placeon, wondering immediately how anyone can be that tall and slim but have such big tits. Jameela Jamil is truly blessed.
My phone pings. It’s Merlyn.
Erica my dear. Any thoughts on what we talked about at the party? M
I know I am getting Chaumes on my phone but I want to respond quickly.
Hi Merlyn. I’ve been thinking about it. Are Yuvana Labs legitimate? I couldn’t find much about them online…
I can see thatMerlyn is typing…Hurry up Merlyn, I need to go and wash this cat litter off my hands. Then the message appears:
Absolutely! I’ve been consulting for them for a while, my dear.
OK. And what about the procedure itself, will I have to stay in overnight?
Heavens no. It’s non-invasive. Well, only mildly invasive. And just one tiny injection to help you relax. But hardly any down time!
Well, that’s better than a month in hiding, I suppose. I’m not Linda Evangelista; I have Sainsbury’s to get to.
How long will the effects last?
It’s a reset. You’ll just start getting older again from your new age. You’ll quite literally turn back time!
I stop typing just to take this in, and for long enough for Merlyn to message again.
I understand you might have reservations Erica, but I’d like to offer this to you rather than the next person on the list.
Oh wow. I’m top of a list? Nice. Wonder who else is on it… Holy crap. Bet it’s bloody Cassia.
Can I ask who else you have in mind?
Cassia Carver is next. You know her from Beautique, don’t you? And then Imani Diamond, and Lily from @LuxeLooksWithLily.
My Chaumy fingers are sliding about typing as fast as I can. I’m not losing out on anything to Cassia Carver again.
Merlyn – you know what? It’s such a great opportunity. I’m in. Thank you.
That’s wonderful news, Erica!
One thing: it’s reversible right?
It is, although as far as Yuvana Labs are concerned, who would want to turn the clock forward again once it’s been turned back?
I’m not sure if I’m meant to answer that, so I don’t. I can see Merlyn is typing again.
I’ll send you some details for the pre-treatment consultation in the next couple of weeks. How tremendous, Erica!
Later still, I lie in bed attempting to sleep, listening to the baby next door crying, and wondering if I need the loo enough to get up. But of course, now that I’ve thought about it, I’llhaveto get up. This is middle age: thirty-three per cent planning the next pee, thirty-three per cent avoiding cameras, thirty-three per cent trying to work out what terminal illness is looming based on some random pain – and the one per cent is reserved for one’s own particular weirdness, because I think everyone gets a bitweird after forty-five. I, for instance, talk to the pigeons on my patio and, firmly believing them to be the same pigeon, call them all Douglas.
Maybe I’m too middle-aged for anything, even a nanobot, to restore my ‘factory settings’. Maybe it won’t work. But maybe it will – and frankly, what have I got to lose? Nothing’s going to change. I’m going to spend my last, what have I got, twenty-five, thirty years (who knows, maybe less) slathering on neck creams that I didn’t pay for that don’t even work, and googling local music teachers who will run a mile when they see my saggy old, not remotely Jameela Jamil, tits. So frankly, dodgy or not, Yuvana Labs – you’re my only bloody hope.
