She mock-groaned. “That you are indeed the perfect lover? And that I will miss you when you move on to someone else?”
He stared down at her beautiful, passion-filled face. How could he ever move on from her? The question made him go still. “Carenza …”
“What?”
“Will you marry me?”
She blinked at him. “That isn’t funny.”
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
She pushed at his chest, and he rolled off her. She immediately sat up, drew her knees to her chest, and wrapped her arms around them. “That isn’t what I want, or what we agreed, and you know it.”
“Is a man not allowed to change his mind?” Julian asked.
“Not about this.” She was practically glaring at him. “I’ve explained why it is better for us to remain as lovers and friends. If you’ve changed your mind, then surely our agreement is null and void?”
“Is that what you want?”
She looked away from him. “I’m not the one who is trying to change the rules.”
“Then perhaps I should leave.” He left the bed and began to pull on his breeches. “I wouldn’t wish to distress you with my inconvenient change of heart.”
“Julian …”
He pulled his shirt over his head and tucked it into his breeches before buttoning the placket and pulling on his boots. “And if you are going to suggest that the scandal concerning your ill-advised advertisement is reason enough for turning me away, may I remind you that I havesolvedthat problem, and you have no more to fear from Mr. Cox or Calloway.”
“I’m not so sure that—”
“You doubt my competence?” He stared at her.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, of course not. I still think Percival and Lady Brenton have been talking to Calloway. If he’s told them his suspicions about your involvement with the advertisement they might use them as further ammunition against you.”
“So, you do doubt me.” He made some attempt to tie his cravat, stuck the diamond pin through the mess, and put on his coat. “I can apologize only for failing to live up to your many expectations.” He strode to the door. “Pray excuse me, ma’am.”
He shut the door behind him. From the thud that shook the frame, he got the distinct impression that Carenza had thrown something at his head. As he went down the stairs, he was already beginning to think that he might have deserved it.
There was no one in the hall to show him out, so he picked up his hat and cane and left, his body as unsatisfied as his mind. It was the first time he’d proposed to a woman. She’d turned him down flat because of some misguided belief that he needed saving or that his offer in some way contravened their existing agreement. He walked around to the mews where he’d left his horse and mounted up.
But if she truly cared for him, wouldn’t she have just said yes?
Perhaps her attraction for him began and ended with his physical prowess and he’d never be good enough. His mother constantly reminded him of his failures to meet expectations. Perhaps she was right.
Chastising himself for his ridiculous overreaction to the answer to a stupidly impulsive question, he went home. He’d spend the rest of the day going over the accounts with his secretary. He’d try to forget his temporary insanity in the far more satisfactory world of finance. Numbers, at least, never let him down.
CHAPTER21
On the evening of the charity ball, Carenza put on her new cream patterned gown, and had her maid pile her hair high on top of her head with two ringlets hanging down on either side of her face. Tickets to the ball had sold quickly, and the committee were expecting a packed ballroom. The duchess had arranged for both the Cartwrights and Mrs. Mountjoy to speak before the ball started and had high hopes that they would inspire the attendees to donate even more money to their worthy causes.
Carenza’s only hope was that Julian’s reputation would be enhanced from being one of the first to support such causes. Anyone who heard Miss Cartwright speak would never think ill of her or believe that her benefactors had been engaged in nefarious activities to hurt children.
She put a touch of rouge to her cheeks and lips and donned a pair of diamond-and-gold earrings and the matching necklace her parents had given her for her twenty-first birthday. She added a thin gold bracelet Julian had given her one Christmas.
Julian …
She hadn’t spoken to him since his extraordinary proposal in her bed, and she still didn’t know what to say to put things right between them. She’d panicked—there was no other way of describing her reaction—and had pushed him away both physically and emotionally. It wasn’t like Julian to behave impulsively, and the fact that she might have wounded him with her abrupt dismissal of his proposal preyed on her mind. Romantic thoughts of them sharing their lives together kept intruding in her imagination. That they’d be happy together she had no doubt, but her position in society meant she was not considered his equal. The thought of him gradually realizing she’d never be totally acceptable to the ton, and him exhausting himself trying to ensure that she was, unsettled her.
But she wanted him … that she couldn’t deny. Others might find him cool and distant but she knew the real man, his unflinching support of causes dear to his heart and his loyalty as a friend, even to those who hadn’t deserved it in the slightest.
