“I am quite capable of being both.”
“Once, I would’ve agreed with you, but Hector encouraged me to pour my heart out to him, only to use my own feelings against me when he fell out of love with me.”
“Hector was incapable of loving anyone but himself.”
“I realized that eventually, but it took me far too long.” She paused. “I was glad when he died. It felt like a blessed release.”
“No one could blame you for feeling like that.”
“I suspect most people would,” Carenza said. “When I said my vows to him, I meant every word.”
“Yes, but I doubt he ever kept a promise in his life.”
Carenza got up and walked over to the window, and Julian followed her. He tentatively put his hand on her shoulder.
“If you knew how Hector was, then why did Allegra’s revelation upset you so badly?”
“Firstly, because Olivia hasn’t been truthful with me, and secondly …” She hesitated. “Because she inadvertently reminded me of the darkest point in my marriage.”
“Tell me.”
She half turned toward him, her expression grave. “I’m not sure if—”
“Tell me.”
She met his gaze. “Looking back, I don’t think Hector wanted me to go to that particular house party, probably because he’d made some arrangements with Olivia. I was determined to go, and, in my usual stupid fashion, I was following him around the house while he tried to leave, attempting to argue with him. He lost his temper and slapped my face.” She paused. “Unfortunately, we were at the top of the stairs. I lost my balance and fell all the way down to the front hall. The last thing I remember is him stepping over me to get to his carriage.”
“He didn’t even stop to see if you were all right?” Julian asked, even though he was fairly sure of the answer.
“He shouted at me that it was my own damn fault and that I shouldn’t be so clumsy,” Carenza said. “In fact, he aimed a kick at my ribs as he went by.”
“The absolute bastard,” Julian said.
“I think I must have fainted because the next thing I knew I was surrounded by the servants and someone was shouting about fetching the doctor. I tried to sit up, but there was a lot of blood.”
Julian waited, but she seemed to be struggling to go on. “Blood from where you hit your head?” he asked.
“Unfortunately not.” She met his gaze. “I was pregnant, and later that night, I lost my child. Hector couldn’t even be bothered to come back to see if either of us lived or died.”
Julian stared at her so intently that her features began to blur. It took all his concentration to keep the rage he felt on her behalf inside him.
“If I’d known that at the time, I would’ve beaten him to death.”
“Which is exactly why I didn’t tell anyone.” Carenza sounded far calmer than he felt. “Can you imagine what my father would’ve done if he heard how Hector had treated me? I couldn’t heap more scandal on his head. Hector, of course, insisted that it was all my fault, that I was too weak to bear his children, and that his dalliances outside our marriage were justified. It took me several weeks to recover from the loss of blood, and my grief often overwhelmed me, which is why I chose to remain in the country that year.”
Julian stared at her until she offered him a small smile.
“That’s why I know I can’t have children. There was too much damage done. At least you can be assured of that.”
“Do you really think that is what I’m concerned with?” Julian demanded. “That all I care about is how this matter relates tome?”
She raised her chin, tears shining in her eyes. “If you’re going to shout, will you please leave? I really cannot deal with your anger today.”
He cursed as he yanked her into his arms and held her as tightly as he could. After a moment, she relaxed against his chest, her palm flat over his fast-beating heart. He kissed the top of her head and rocked her back and forth like the child she had lost. He could no longer deny that he cared for her. The least he could do was hold her while she grieved for what had been so cruelly taken away from her.
After a while, she raised her head and looked up at him. “Thank you.”
“For what? Allowing you to soak my new waistcoat in tears? Proctor will never forgive me.”
