Those words taste bitter on my tongue as I say them out loud for the first time in a long time.
Isla hisses. “Like that makes it okay,” she mutters, then holds up a hand, backpedaling. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Actually, her protective streak is hot. “No apologies. I felt the same way. The implication that Mia would be fine because I made good money was fuck-all insulting,” I say, rubbing a hand across the back of my neck. “Like that’s the point of parenting.”
“You’re a good father regardless of your career,” Isla says, agreeing.
My heart softens a little. “Thanks. She’s a great kid,” I say, then heave a sigh. “But she had a rough go of it for a while. It’s not as if Regina’s cards and gifts make up for her leaving. For a long time Mia kept asking when Mommy was coming back.” That pain is still raw. I’m not sure that wound will ever stop aching. “Broke my heart over and over again every single day.”
“I’m so sorry,” Isla says gently. “Of course it would.”She pauses and takes a breath, like she’s gearing up to ask something hard. “Has she ever come back? Seen her at all?”
My chest tightens like a vise, but the pain’s not for me. It’s for Mia, whose mother doesn’t choose to see her. “Nope.”
Isla’s eyes shine as she covers my hand with hers. “I understand now why Christmas is hard for you. I’m sorry I pushed you to try to embrace it more.”
Ah, hell. I can’t let her shoulder an ounce of blame. “Isla, I own my grump. It’s not on you. And you did nothing wrong by pushing me. Hell, my own daughter pushes me every damn day for the month of Christmas,” I say, but there’s affection in my tone again. How could there not be when I talk about the person who’s the center of my world?
“She does love it,” Isla says with affection for Mia too.
“She even likes pears,” I say with a scoff. “Don’t know how that happened.”
She holds my hand tighter but doesn’t take the sarcasm bait. “Thank you for telling me all that. For being open. I know that wasn’t easy.”
My stomach churns. It wasn’t easy. It was hard—borderline awful—to share the heartbreak. But it sure feels like it qualifies as vulnerability homework after all. I’m kind of surprised I had it in me. Then again, Isla has a habit of surprising me and motivating me to do things I didn’t think I’d do. I grunt out a “You’re welcome,” since I don’t know what else to say.
We’re quiet for a beat in the chilly night air, the lights twinkling above us, the quiet wrapping around us. In the distance, I hear faint sounds from the town—the rumble of cars. The muted noise from patrons leaving bars. Theclick of shoes far off. But here, it’s like we’re in our own secret date land, and that’s a good thing. It’s also part of the problem. But maybe, just maybe, I have a solution.
First, a little more honesty. A little vulnerability. “I meant it when I said you didn’t fail. I’m honestly not sure you stood a chance of succeeding with me.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means…I’m difficult.”
Her mouth parts in feigned shock. “You? Difficult?”
But I keep going, practicing more honesty since she gives it and she deserves it. “And it means I’ve been a pain in the ass.”
“Noooo.”
“And it means I’ve tried to sabotage all your efforts.”
“I had no idea.”
“And some of that is because I meant it when I said I’ve been fighting this for more than a year.”
She freezes, her cup halfway to her mouth, maybe digesting that bit. “Really? That wasn’t just?—”
“A line?”
“Well, yeah.”
I lean closer, catching a hint of her cherry scent that electrifies me. “Trust me, snow angel, I’ve tried to ignore this…crush. You’re my agent’s sister. He’s my best friend and he knows I’m damaged goods, but he also wants me to find romance again,” I say, shuddering at the thought of all the hope my buddy has for me in the love department. “But I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want me to be…testing that out with his sister. He knows you’ve been hurt too.”
Isla nods, a sad smile coasting across her lips. “You’re right. He wants you to find someone again, but he also knows it might take time. Trying and failing. Meeting someone and then…it not working out. But trying again.”
I don’t want to hurt her either. I’d have to beat myself up if I so much as ever made her shed a tear.
But where there’s a will there’s a way. Or really, when there’s an opening on the ice, you take it. You just fucking take it.
