“It’s not pretty, Luca. For me or…him.”
“That’s okay,” he whispers. “I just want to know you.”
Like I want to know you, little lamb.
Sighing, I push my plate away and rest my forearms on the table. “I told you I grew up in a small town.” He nods. “My family didn’t have much money, and that’s not a good thing in a football town. For most of us, football was the only way we could get a higher education. Believe it or not, I was a theater nerd back then too.”
Luca smiles warmly. “I don’t think you were ever a nerd, Professor.”
I bark a laugh. “Before I hit my growth spurt at the end of my freshman year, I was. I was overlooked and sometimes bullied for being different. Then, when I grew about eight inches taller and my shoulders got wider almost overnight, everyone was clamoring for me to play defense for the football team.
“Football was my second choice. Preceding that, I thought I’d catch my big break by some talent scout coming to the small diner I worked at and seeing my look and wanting me on the big screen. But I came to my senses and realized that football might be my ticket out when I heard a few scouts ask about my stats even before I stepped onto the field.”
“Did you want to be an actor?”
“Yes and no. I wanted to get away from my small town, to have more opportunities than a trailer lot a few doors down from my folks. I wanted more out of life, but without the money and the means, I wanted to get away any way I could.”
Luca hums in understanding and I continue.
“I got accepted to Evergreen in the middle of my senior year and I took the athletic scholarship with both hands. I didn’t care about the school’s record or if they were any good, I just wanted to get out of my town and be who I wanted to be.”
“What do you mean?” Luca asks, leaning forward with rapt attention.
“I told you I was into theater in high school. Before I played football, people already clocked me as gay. When I got to college,I stopped hiding it. My parents cut me off, being small-minded and homophobic. So I had nothing holding me back from having a future. That’s when I methim. Sebian. Seb for short. He was… a lot like you. Smaller, perpetually happy, really good looking. We hit it off immediately and dated from sophomore year until I was a senior. I thought we’d get married.”
A sour look crosses Luca’s face, but he tries his best to cover it. I love that he shows me all of his emotions, totally different from Seb. Seb perfected a blank mask, showing me nothing and making me pry all his feelings and emotions from him. Looking back on it, Seb showed me who he was. I just didn’t want to see it.
Wringing his hands on the table, Luca asks, “Why didn’t you?”
Smiling sadly, I say, “When I got to Evergreen, I fell in love with the theater program. I’ve always wanted to study theater, and when the professor took a liking to me and my passion, she took me under her wing and we worked together. I knew then I wanted to be just like her. I never had the desire to be on the big screen, so I wanted to help people achieve that dream for themselves. I didn’t want football to be my future. I never had aspirations to play in the NFL. I wanted theater.”
Luca grins. “You’re a really good teacher. You had a good mentor.”
“She was the best. I was lucky I figured out my future early.” My smile drops from my face as I remember the rest. “I told Seb a few months into senior year. We were talking about the future and he asked if I’d entered the draft, since the window was closing. I told him I wasn’t going to, that the NFL wasn’t my dream. I should have known from the way his face fell that was the moment I lost him. But instead of telling me, he pretended it was okay, that he was happy with my decision. He started distancing himself and cheating on me shortly after.”
“I’m sorry,” Luca says with a gasp, gripping one of my hands in both of his. “Because you didn’t want to go to the NFL?”
“Yeah. Seb wanted to be a trophy husband. He only came to college to hook a man who would take care of him. When we met and he found out I was on the football team, he sank his hooks into me, thinking I had aspirations to play professionally. There weren’t many out players, especially back then, so he wanted to cling to someone who would show him off in public when fame hit.”
Taking my face in his hands, Luca kisses me gently, and some of the anger of my past bleeds out of me. I kiss him back, wanting to get one last taste, just in case the rest of my story scares him off.
“I’m so sorry,” Luca whispers. “Did you leave him?”
I breathe a laugh. “Worse.Heleftme. And I didn’t take it well.” Exhaling roughly, I say, “Back when I was in high school, I had to fight a lot because of my perceived sexuality. I’m ashamed to say I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder. My temper was off the charts. So when I saw them together one day, I lost it. I approached them, yelling and cursing, calling Seb out for how he treated me. His new man tried to defend Seb’s honor and pushed me. I saw red and beat the shit out of the guy. Not just because he put hands on me, but because I saw him as the reason my relationship ended. He was the reason I wouldn’t have the man I wanted. He was the reason my life was in fucking shambles.” I push a shaky hand through my hair, reliving one of the worst moments of my life.
I pause for a few beats, assessing Luca’s face.
“He wound up in the hospital for a few days, and the only reason I didn’t end up with a record is because he struck me first. But I’d already planned to break his face even before that. It was just dumb luck that he was chivalrous.” I blow out a longbreath. “My entire future almost went up in smoke because of my temper.”
Luca slides his hands from mine and my heart sinks. But I told him I’d tell him my story, so I keep talking, finishing up the tale of my past.
“After that, Seb wanted nothing to do with me. He and his boyfriend transferred to Meridian, and last I heard, they’re still together. Seb got what he wanted and I couldn’t let him go because I thought the first person to show me attention was meant to be mine. But Seb never loved me. If he did, he wouldn’t have left me so easily because I wouldn’t or couldn’t give him the life he wanted. In my young mind, I couldn’t see that.”
We’re quiet for a minute and I count down how long I have left with Luca. There’s no way he doesn’t think I’m a violent piece of shit who’ll put my hands on him. But I would never do that.
I tell him as much.
“I’m not abusive, Luca.” He tilts his head as he looks at me, confused. I can understand why he would be. I just admitted to putting someone in the hospital. Why would he think he’s safe? “I won’t hurt you. I swear it. I just… I lost it on that guy because I thought he was my enemy. But I’m… that’s not me.”
