My hands tighten back on his waist. “Go where?”
He bites that bottom lip again, and I want so badly to take it into my mouth and suck it until he lies back down and lets me hold him. “Home. Or… to my dorm room, I guess. That’s…” His brow furrows in confusion. “That’s how you wanted it, right?”
I let out a sad breath. “No, Luca. Not with us.” I place a hand on his cheek and his face softens as he leans into my palm.“When I have you here, I want you here all night. No leaving my bed. Okay?”
His smile is so fucking brilliant and he melts more of that ice around my heart. “Okay. But…” He wiggles again and I let him go. “I really need to use the bathroom.”
I incline my head to the en suite. “Are you okay to walk?”
His eyebrows scrunch. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Almost as soon as he tries to stand and take a step, he crumples. “Shit,” I say, scrambling off the bed to help him up. “You okay?”
His face is red with embarrassment and he’s never looked so adorable. “Legs don’t work,” he mutters, holding on to my arms.
“It happens,” I assure him and help him to the bathroom. I can see the redness of his cheeks as I hold him up while he relieves himself.
“Done,” he whispers in an almost mortified voice.
After he flushes, I help him to the sink so he can wash up. Once he’s finished, I turn him around and set him on the side. Luca immediately spreads his legs and I step between them. He doesn’t even complain about the cold of the counter on his warm skin.
I check him over, taking in his clear, bright eyes, flushed cheeks, and swollen lips. He looks well and truly fucked, and I have to stop myself from beating my chest like fucking King Kong.
Smirking down at him, I ask, “Still want to go home?”
“That was embarrassing,” he whispers, placing a slender hand on my waist. “Does that happen often?”
I shrug. “It can. Sensory overload. I’ll be more careful in the future.”
His eyes light up. “So there’s more?”
“There’s more. If you want, we can explore your limits, to see what you like so you can try it in the future.” Why does my heartclench at the thought of someone else enjoying the things Luca enjoys with me? I’m already trying to convince myself that there can’t be a future between us. Him being with someone else is the goal… right?
“Yes, please.” He does a shimmy dance that makes me smile despite myself. “But can we skip the whole legs going numb part?”
Chuckling, I take him into my arms and walk him to the room. “We can skip that part.”
My mind is in a fucking tailspin and I can’t grab onto what I want. On one hand, I want all of Luca. I want him in my bed, in my life, in my heart. He’s sweet and smart and innocent and adorable and open and honest. All the things I want in a man I’d want to spend my life with.
On the other, I can’t take opening myself up to someone so fully just for them to hurt me. It’s taken me twenty years to repair myself, to become functional, to walk into Mask and not want to turn around every time I see a sweet twink who wants me to rail him.
He reminds me too much of what I used to have, too much of what happened when I was not much older than him. My past is colliding with my present and it’s doing me in.
For right now, though, I’ll enjoy him in my arms, his wide-eyed wonder at everything I’ve shown him. I’m not ready to give that up.
I told him I was selfish, but I’m not sure if I mean with taking his pleasure or with my heart.
I’m not ready to answer that question yet.
Lying down, I pull Luca on top of me, feeling a strange sensation light up my chest when he sighs in contentment.
I feel this… giddy feeling flowing through me as I hold him, so I decide to poke a little fun at him. “Not bad for an old man, huh?”
The heat that radiates from his cheeks sinks through me and I chuckle. He huffs as if put out. “I’m so sorry I said that. So embarrassing.”
Kissing the top of his head, I thread my fingers through his hair. “It’s alright. I remember thinking forty-year-olds were old at your age.”
He groans. “You’re making it worse.” He leans up, resting his chin on the back of his hand. “I don’t think you’re old. I promise. I was raised by my grandparents. They’d have a fit if I called someone old.”
